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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Not sure if I'm being stupid or right to be upset

15 replies

Dani80 · 21/11/2021 22:51

I've been with my boyfriend just over a year and living together for the last couple of months. I was cheated on by my ex husband 10 years ago and struggled to trust anyone else in the past, however when I met my bf I just felt so comfortable from the start and I love him to bits, I completely trusted him until today, doubts are creeping in and I'm overthinking and worrying hes talking to someone else.
Today I noticed a woman had started liking and commenting on all his pictures and posts, I was curious so clicked on her and shes single and hes also liked her pictures that she's posted in the last couple days.
Now I know he likes pictures of friends or women he used to go to school with and it's never bothered me.
I asked him about her and he said she randomly added him as a friend a couple of days ago, he doesnt know her but the pictures came up on his feed so he liked them. He said im being stupid, he loves me and he's with me, she's just a stranger who he's never messaged.
I don't know if I'm just being stupid as he says as I've had alot going on with my teen son and his mental health I've been a bit emotional from not having much sleep or if this is something he really shouldn't be doing while being with me.
I dont get why he'd even accept a random single woman's friend request and I just cant get it out of my head

OP posts:
updownroundandround · 22/11/2021 07:07

Always listen to you gut !!!!

You've never been concerned before about him 'liking' posts by other women, but you've obviously got the 'vibe' that something's not 'right' about this particular woman ?

Then he's obviously giving off subconscious 'signals', which you are picking up on, also unconsciously, but you know something's 'off' about it !

Always, always, always listen to your gut !

GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow · 22/11/2021 07:11

I think you need to ask yourself 'why he felt the need to add a random woman, who he doesn't know, onto fb?

MyOtherProfile · 22/11/2021 07:13

@GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow

I think you need to ask yourself 'why he felt the need to add a random woman, who he doesn't know, onto fb?
This. I'd say well if she's just some random woman would you mind deleting her?
2catsandhappy · 22/11/2021 07:34

How many friends has he got on(fb?)
If he has 10(say) then this woman is a large part of his sm.
If he has 229(say) then really not very significant at all.
Has he ever accepted stranger friend requests before?

TheFoundations · 22/11/2021 07:58

I'd say well if she's just some random woman would you mind deleting her

He can have who he likes as a friend. Asking him to change this is getting controlling.

OP, there's no right or wrong to being upset. The healthy set up is that it doesn't matter what you're upset about; your partner will respect your feelings, and you need to present them respectfully.

So, if you have an issue with your partner eating strawberry yoghurts, you don't say 'Could you stop eating strawberry yoghurts?', you say 'When you eat strawberry yoghurts, I feel uncomfortable/unsettled/upset/anxious/whatever'. In a healthy relationship, your partner won't want you to feel bad, and will prioritise that over the desire to eat strawberry yoghurts in front of you. They'd say something like 'Oh, sorry, I didn't realise that bothered you. Do you feel bad when I eat them at all, or just when you're there?' and then the conversation is open to find a compromise. In an unhealthy relationship, your partner will say something like 'What's wrong with you? Everybody eats strawberry yoghurts! Get a grip!'

If your partner prioritises having this woman, who is a complete stranger, as a friend on social media, over your happiness, he's not prioritising your happiness very highly, is he. No worthy partner would call you stupid for having your feelings, and no partner would get away with it, if you respected your feelings yourself.

You are allowed to feel anything at all, no matter how outlandish it might seem. Your partner should be interested most in respecting your feelings; they are a direct representation of who you are, and what your heart is feeling. Disrespect of that is disrespect of you at the deepest level.

Sonaftersonafterson · 22/11/2021 09:23

Eek. Sorry, no. That doesnt ring true at all.

Dani80 · 22/11/2021 09:53

Thank you everyone. I've asked him to stay at his dads tonight as I'm fed up of him making me feel silly for feeling this way and calling me a dickhead. I'm going to go to the gym with my son and then watch a movie tonight and just concentrate on me and my lad.
I'll have a proper talk with him tomorrow and if I still feel like he's not bothered about the way it's making me feel then he can just go for good. Im not going to live my life wondering if hes talking to other women or anything like I did for 13 years with my kids dad. I know im worth more than that

OP posts:
MyOtherProfile · 23/11/2021 19:51

Did you get your talk with him today?

Dani80 · 23/11/2021 22:13

He's here now feel like I'm just going round in circles, I just can't get through to him how it makes me feel he just says it's silly.

OP posts:
ShowMeTheSugar · 23/11/2021 22:20

Don't try then. You've told him how it makes you feel, he has dismissed these feelings and chosen to prioritise an apparent stranger on Instagram's likes over and above your trust.

If they were friends that's a different matter and I might feel differently, but a random woman popping up in that way screams suspicious. Potentially nothing has happened and he's just enjoying the ego stroking but it would be enough to put me right off.

Eslteacher06 · 23/11/2021 22:20

Well let him toddle on and leave him to it. He'll either realize he's being unreasonable, or not. And there is your answer.

You shouldn't have to explain this to him this much.

Anordinarymum · 23/11/2021 22:24

@Dani80

He's here now feel like I'm just going round in circles, I just can't get through to him how it makes me feel he just says it's silly.
No it is not silly. It's serious because you are disturbed and clearly very upset so 'silly' is not what it is. If he can't see this, or won't then he is either a liar or unfeeling with regard to your doubts and worries.
LemonElephant · 23/11/2021 22:26

Your feelings are not silly. They are valid!! You are worth so so much more, I’d be telling him where to go!

GonePenguin · 23/11/2021 22:31

Jesus Christ, @TheFoundations - I want to print out your post and stick it up somewhere as my free therapy. What a great post :)

MoonbeamsGlittering · 24/11/2021 05:43

Adding a random woman on Facebook sounds odd to me. Calling you stupid and a dickhead sounds worse. This guy needs to show more respect for you if he actually wants to stay with you. Good luck with whatever you decide.

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