My own mother (68) acts like a child

[mailpal]

Really struggling with this one!

My own mother acts like a child with me, she often cries about how unhappy she is, how lonely she feels, then will complain of illnesses and worries/anxieties. She drove my brother away as he would always try to help her but it brought him down emotionally. She says she isn't depressed and won't see a therapist.

She turns 68 in January. She doesn't have much of a life at all.

It really grated on me when I see her. She isn't always like it but most of the time there is "something wrong"

She had a terrible upbringing and has lots of issues but hasn't dealt with them.

How to support her?

She's very indulgent and often wants things to be about her - she is jealous of my son (3 yrs old). I see it.

I used to try help her, listen to her, chat with her but I'm no longer interested in her bringing me down emotionally it's very hard to constantly see your own mother upset and crying.

Thanks for reading x

Sorry to hear about your situation. My DM is similar. There’s not much you can do sadly. I’ve had a lifetime of dramas, tantrums and behaviour from her that’s has been embarrassing at times. A complete narc. Anyway, I love her but hate her at the same time. Just try not to let it undermine your own happiness.

Has she always been like this? Dad has recently been feeling very sorry for himself. Keeps saying that nobody (Mum especially) cares about what he thinks. He gets upset & has tantrums, it’s all “what about meeee?” I don’t know how Mum puts up with it...
But, he wasn’t always like this. Only since turning 70. I think the lockdowns have hit him hard. He’s been holed up at home too long. I also worry that it could be the beginnings of dementia / lack of stimulation to his usually busy mind.
My sister was the same, she’s given up on him (both of them, really). It’s hard to see a parent acting like a child...

My mum is exactly the same, I could have written your OP. Sorry no advice really apart from enforcing your own boundaries.

My mum is loads better behaved with me because I distanced myself so much that she knows her behaviour drove me away,and doesn't want to do it again. But she hasn't changed as a person, just forces herself to play nice I think, but she's the same with everyone else.

The more you try the worse they get IME, they have more respect if you create tough boundaries and stick to them but it's obviously not easy.

She's still the same as she always was with everyone else* that should say

She only behaves with me but continues to be awful to everyone else.

I feel like I could of wrote this myself OP

My mother is the same, manipulative, the victim, throws years old shit out the try and validate her behaviour and how she's been wronged but won't for a second acknowledge her own behaviour or apologise for it. My mother has put on me a lot over the years and because I've recently started saying no she's lost control and can't handle it, says vile shit but makes out that I'm the one in the wrong. Only when I got pregnant myself did I see her for what she really is and it's all come to blows and I can't see a way back to us being okay but I don't know how I feel about it, like I don't think I'm bothered tbh

Mothers are the best but the worst things in the world aren't they, so draining and makes you realise what not to become

I have said this before and I really do believe that it could be absolutely real.
People who are the children of service men and women were often loved by their parents but were not often shown physical parental love such as a hug, being told that they are loved. They may have had "things" like bikes dolls prams etc. and maybe that was more than some of their friends had. A lot of children who are now that age group had a lot of expectations put on them like you have to pass this exam, get this qualification and disappointment shown to them if they did not achieve what was hoped for.
They lived in the times of rationing which went on until mid 1950s. Things we take as normal now, like juice ice cream and sweets were rare treats not everyday items. There were diseases that children died of which are now more an irritation than a possible fatal disease. Every class in schools would have lost at least one pupil. They had no central heating double glazing.
They are expected to work and provide childcare in a lot of cases but they are not allowed to fall ill or be upset by things
Now this pandemic. There has been so much talk of the damage that this pandemic and all the lockdowns has taken so much of a toll on children, but it has also damaged everyone. Living alone through lockdowns was hard, worrying about being in the vulnerable age group is stressful.
Give the older people a bit of kindness, it costs nothing. Don't put anything you don't like down to dementia. They are human beings and perhaps a hug or an "I love you" would be worth a million dollars to a lot of over 60s.

Sorry no advice but I'm in this situation too. I live abroad and I feel a bit hurt when I see other people's parents come to visit as often as they can and they are doing loads of fun stuff going out for lunches, visiting local attractions, babysitting(!!) Whereas mine hardly ever comes over in the first place and when she does it's all too overwhelming and she can't cope and we have to spend all the time accommodating her.

My parents are divorced but my dad is pretty hands off and aloof as well so I feel like I don't really have parental support which is hard. But feels selfish to say that because they aren't dead, awful or absent!

Also I love my mum to bits and I don't like the way these interactions make me feel. She has become sucked into a kind of cult like thing as well with positive thinking and some kind of new age crystal etc belief system which drives me mad as we can never have a normal conversation without this coming up. I feel it's predatory and I'm a bit cross about it but she loves it so much I can't say anything.

@User57327259

I have said this before and I really do believe that it could be absolutely real. People who are the children of service men and women were often loved by their parents but were not often shown physical parental love such as a hug, being told that they are loved. They may have had "things" like bikes dolls prams etc. and maybe that was more than some of their friends had. A lot of children who are now that age group had a lot of expectations put on them like you have to pass this exam, get this qualification and disappointment shown to them if they did not achieve what was hoped for. They lived in the times of rationing which went on until mid 1950s. Things we take as normal now, like juice ice cream and sweets were rare treats not everyday items. There were diseases that children died of which are now more an irritation than a possible fatal disease. Every class in schools would have lost at least one pupil. They had no central heating double glazing. They are expected to work and provide childcare in a lot of cases but they are not allowed to fall ill or be upset by things Now this pandemic. There has been so much talk of the damage that this pandemic and all the lockdowns has taken so much of a toll on children, but it has also damaged everyone. Living alone through lockdowns was hard, worrying about being in the vulnerable age group is stressful. Give the older people a bit of kindness, it costs nothing. Don't put anything you don't like down to dementia. They are human beings and perhaps a hug or an "I love you" would be worth a million dollars to a lot of over 60s.

With all due respect, what on earth are you on about?

Who said anything about children of people in the services?

OP's DM is 68. She was about a year old when rationing ended completely. I somehow doubt that's why she's being a pain in the arse. Nor the lack of double glazing or central heating.

You talk about over 60s as though they're dodderers from the dark ages. I'm not too far off that myself! My parents are considerably older. None of us are in need of charitable hugs or I love you's on the basis of being "the older people" since none of us are whiny arseholes who our family can't bear to be around.

@ScottChegg You missed the point. Times were a whole lot different for people DM age

@User57327259
I'm in my 60s and @ScottChegg 's post summed up exactly what I was thinking when I read your post.

@User57327259

I have said this before and I really do believe that it could be absolutely real. People who are the children of service men and women were often loved by their parents but were not often shown physical parental love such as a hug, being told that they are loved. They may have had "things" like bikes dolls prams etc. and maybe that was more than some of their friends had. A lot of children who are now that age group had a lot of expectations put on them like you have to pass this exam, get this qualification and disappointment shown to them if they did not achieve what was hoped for. They lived in the times of rationing which went on until mid 1950s. Things we take as normal now, like juice ice cream and sweets were rare treats not everyday items. There were diseases that children died of which are now more an irritation than a possible fatal disease. Every class in schools would have lost at least one pupil. They had no central heating double glazing. They are expected to work and provide childcare in a lot of cases but they are not allowed to fall ill or be upset by things Now this pandemic. There has been so much talk of the damage that this pandemic and all the lockdowns has taken so much of a toll on children, but it has also damaged everyone. Living alone through lockdowns was hard, worrying about being in the vulnerable age group is stressful. Give the older people a bit of kindness, it costs nothing. Don't put anything you don't like down to dementia. They are human beings and perhaps a hug or an "I love you" would be worth a million dollars to a lot of over 60s.

Eh??

“She had a terrible upbringing and has lots of issues but hasn't dealt with them.

How to support her?“

Honestly? Sounds like you have no interest in/intention of supporting her. She just seems to irritate you.

my mum is 73 and she and most of her friends are pretty 'modern' really. They were coming of age/in their 20s in the 60s, my mum still has a couple of her old kaftans as keepsakes, they can't even be said to cover the bum. There's a pic of her in a tie dyed miniskirt, and she wasn't even particularly wild at all as she had a Catholic upbringing (though she wasn't into that) and became a social worker.

OP- your mum has mental health issues and all you can do is keep telling her to get help, and take care of your own wellbeing. Keep repeating to her that you aren't qualified and can't give her the help she needs, she needs to see a doctor. Keep repeating variations on that whenever she goes on. Hugs. Xx

MrsSkyler -it is irritating if people have issues but don't do anything to help themselves. I have a severe mental health disability (bipolar amongst other issues) but I do a lot to try and help myself, and do well most of the time as a result of my efforts -working with services, getting therapy etc. So I don't have much patience for people that don't do all they can to help themselves.

@mailpal
Sorry OP forgot to give my answer to your question.
So when she complains of having no friends no life etc present her with sensible suggestions. If she won't try them tell her you're not discussing it again because she obviously doesn't want to change. Tell her she's dragging you down and it's not fair on you.
She sounds like she needs professional help but doesn't want to step out of her familiar role of victim. Instead she wallows in self pity and expects her adult DCs to act as her unpaid therapists. It's not fair on you.

Put some boundaries in place and stick to them. Don't reward crying etc with endless sympathy as that just teaches her to do it again. Speak kindly and gently but be firm in your message ie she either seeks help, helps herself, shuts up about it, or the visit /phone call is over.
Having said that I would encourage her to speak to her GP regarding depression.

Good luck OP

@ScottChegg. 👏👏👏 Hear, hear...... That post nearly made me swear and I don't usually! I'm in my 60s, would not consider I'm a poor 'older person' despite not having central heating as a kid which definitely has not made me a negative moaning person. I work with 'older people' I had a 101 year old last week with a better attitude than Op's mum!

Op, age isn't the issue, my mother is exactly the same at nearly 90 but has been all my life. Negative, moaning, self centred and jealous of any attention I gave to anybody else including my sons. I think it's a personality disorder probably and there isn't any amount of therapy can help with that, just protect yourself as much as you can. Look up 'grey rock' techniques or check out the 'stately homes' threads. Unfortunately there seems to be a lot of mothers like this!!

Is she the same at a bigger family event? Or if you meet her out in public?

One of the great difficulties in life is you can't really help someone who refuses to be helped, at least when it comes to emotional and mental wellbeing problems.

You're not a mental health professional, and even if you were you're not HERS. You can't be what she needs, it's above your pay grade.

You can't be what she wants, either. You're not an emotional support animal, or antidepressant. You have a life, a child, and she's unhappy with not having all of your attention the moment she demands it. You cannot set yourself (and your child) on fire to keep her warm. Frankly, I'm concerned about her jealousy of your child, and what that would mean in the future, as far as treatment/remarks from her. That's not a healthy or emotionally safe situation for you child.

Thanks so much good to know I'm not alone - thanks for the advice it's really Difficult to navigate and she does need help but has never bothered - we have tried to make suggestions but falls on deaf ears.. she doesn't have self
Care, boundaries, a life, a healthy positive outlook.. it's very draining

She is jealous of anyone who takes my attention and doesn't wish to see me do well either I feel jealousy towards me at times too.. when I'm getting on with life.. xx