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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please help me reason with my partner

25 replies

BlueBritish · 21/11/2021 20:29

Sorry I posted before I had finished my last post.
Hi all,
I’m really struggling at the minute. Me and my partner have a 17 month old DD, I love her to bits but as most people know they are not always easy. My partner started a new job about 3 months ago and since then our life seems to have gone to pot. He is in a very demanding job which requires a lot of responsibility therefore he is there to 50 hours a week and more. He seems to stay later than he should most days and start early on majority of them too. We’ve had so many arguments as I am not seeing him like I used too. We are not getting quality time together or even as a family and it’s becoming infuriating as the balance is not right. I have my daughter 5 days a week full on and work 2 10 hour shifts on the other days so I don’t get a break and I am doing absolutely everything on my own in the house. We was supposed to have a day off together on Tuesday so we can finally paint our front room ready to put our tree up but he’s only just decided to tell me he will be working that day so Is now working 6 days and the day he has off is the day I’ll be working. He’s job pays very well and he pays all the bills and the mortgage so My question is, is it me being unreasonable to be this angry and frustrated with him for working like he does.

OP posts:

Winniemarysarah · 21/11/2021 20:37

This is a bit of a hard one op. It’s not like he’s going out on the piss or going to the gym every night. He’s at work and responsible for all the bills and mortgage. What time does he get home and how many days does he normally get off?

Original poster

BlueBritish · 21/11/2021 20:43

@Winniemarysarah hi thank you so much for the reply. He usually has 2 days off but one them I work so we are only getting 1 off together as a family which in his previous job we had 2 off together. His working hours vary from time to time but he’s mostly an hour late and an hour early.

OP posts:

FatHat · 21/11/2021 20:46

This just sounds like normal life tbh op.

Many people work 50 hours a week.

It sounds like you would be better off if you worked during the same hours as him and put your DD in childcare for those 2 days. Then at least you'd have more of a chance of free time together.

But this doesn't sound particularly unusual for working parents with a young child.

Viddy2021 · 21/11/2021 21:01

No you're not being unreasonable ; it's his child too and if he were a single parent or just single he'd be doing housework and/or helping with kids as well as working hard, so why does he get out of it just because you're there? You work 20 hours a week plus full time care of a toddler, which is full on even if it's unpaid. He pays the bills and mortgage, great - his mortgage or both of yours?

IknowwhatIneed · 21/11/2021 21:44

What’s happening on the day that you both have off together? Is he engaged with you and your daughter, or using it as “time off”? Life with small children is pretty full on and keeping a balance between work, family time, time as a couple and time for each of you for yourselves is pretty challenging but normal at this stage of life.

What do you need from him, given the constraints of work and life at the moment?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 21/11/2021 21:48

If his job pays so well why do you work? The reason I ask because if one parent is run ragged working a conventional job so much so they can’t give the other parent a break, it doesn’t seem fair for that person to work too.

baileys6904 · 21/11/2021 22:20

If he's started a new job, he will be wanting to make a good impression as well. Ultimately this benefits the family unit as well. Perhaps see if you can increase childcare?

PyongyangKipperbang · 22/11/2021 01:01

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

So as well as being disadvantaged in her career of choice by a) being a woman b) being a mother and c) working part time to facilitate family life she should disadvantage herself further by quitting altogether?

I can imagine in 5 years if her and her DH split and she is panicking about supporting herself there will be reams of posts saying "This is why women should always work regardless of affordability of childcare etc..."

He is a father and that means doing more than simply chucking money on the table and then opting out of anything else. I think a "cards on the table" conversation about how he needs to sort out his work life balance and how he will address the areas that are causing issues is the best. For example if it is affordable, is some domestic help feasible so you are not running ragged doing housework all on your own. If he cant do his share then he should be prepared to pay to outsource it so that the days you do get together can be spent on family time.

timeisnotaline · 22/11/2021 04:13

Is money joint between you? Is the house jointly owned, or are you married? If the money isn’t joint and you’re not married then you don’t owe him to support his career, and he should support yours more with more housework and childcare.
That said, why do you work weekends? Would your family have more balance if you found childcare (jointly paid of course) and worked weekdays? He could do either the drop off or pick up so you can fit in a longer day.

Sakurami · 22/11/2021 04:24

Hi op. It does sound rubbish but he may not have much choice. If his job pays well, could you get a cleaned for example? And pay for someone to paint your living room?

timeisnotaline · 22/11/2021 04:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

4amstarts · 22/11/2021 04:56

Well his job is paying all the bills isn't it? Maybe he's feeling the pressure of carrying the family financially? I work 50 hours or more - I put my 3 young kids to bed then have to do more work in the evening. If my DH started complaining I'd politely suggest he go out and find a second job to make up the difference in our salary (I earn 4x what he does)

Antsgomarching · 22/11/2021 05:54

Is it that you think he could do less hours?

My Dh job waxes and wanes on the busyness front but he had a really stressful pandemic and at one point with a baby I felt like he was dodging us (he really wasn’t - i was just uber tired). It also depends if he has to be onsite to do it. To work around it DH basically checked emails as soon as he woke up, send/sort though a few would leave work at a reasonable time to have dinner with us and play with the baby but then have to work late. We are still doing this now but his work has calmed down so it’s an evening here or there not constant.

Sometimes it can’t be helped but you are not being unreasonable to feel frustrated by it. I think most people with small kids find the juggle between work, childcare and home stuff stressful. Can you put baby in nursery for a couple of hours a week so you can get ontop of other things that need to be done?

Original poster

BlueBritish · 22/11/2021 06:43

Hi everyone thanks for your replies. I have tried to speak to my partner about this and find a compromise so many times but I feel as though he isn’t listening and im not respected. We are not married and the mortgage is in both of our names. I was paying some of it until I went on to mat leave and that stopped and it’s just never gone back to how it was before baby. I really do think he is tight with his money. I buy my DD all the clothes she needs etc but If I’m struggling with money he is very hesitant to help us out so I don’t think he would pay a painter or for a cleaner. I don’t work the weekends just 2 days a week one of them he has our DD and the other she is with family. To me it seems bizarre that someone would want to do a 6 day week when they didn’t have too.

OP posts:

rookiemere · 22/11/2021 07:20

It sounds like he could be financially abusive, but I also wonder if you're trying to do too much. If I worked 6 days a week, I wouldn't want to spend my day off painting the living room, is it possible to lay off the redecoration for a bit ?
But you should have access to the family finances.

4amstarts · 22/11/2021 07:57

How do you know he doesn't have to though? Have you discussed finances now that you don't pay towards the mortgage?

icedcoffees · 22/11/2021 08:04

To me it seems bizarre that someone would want to do a 6 day week when they didn’t have too.

Does he feel like he has to work six days now he's the main earner? Maybe he's worried about what will happen if he's off sick or can't work for some reason.

On the other hand I've read plenty of threads on here before where men actively choose to work long hours so that they don't have to deal with bedtime, bathtime etc.

Only you know which category your partner falls into.

Original poster

BlueBritish · 22/11/2021 08:16

@rookiemere the painting was his idea as the house was a bit of a project house and there’s a lot that needs to be done to get it to where it needs to be but so far we have done the bare minimum. He doesn’t have to work 6 days he has just chosen too this week.

@4amstarts he told me he didn’t have too but how it works in his job that if He works overtime he will get that back with another day off somewhere.

@icedcoffees hi, he is salaried paid so he gets paid for 50 hours but if he works over that he pay doesn’t change so he wouldn’t feel the need to work 6 days as it wouldn’t make a difference besides the fact he will get that day back further down the line

OP posts:

excitedemmi · 22/11/2021 08:47

I can understand if he doesn't want to pay for a cleaner or a painter, but childcare sounds necessary! Are you able to switch one of your work days so that you have a day off together and then you get a bit of a break as he will be there helping with the toddler also? Childcare would be needed for that day that you are both working. Childcare is something he would need so that he can work that day! (Cleaners/painters are more of an optional expense)

Aprilx · 22/11/2021 09:16

I am trying to figure out whether he is working too much or not. My background is professional, corporate and fifty hours a week seems absolutely normal to me, I have spent the majority of my working life leaving the house before 7am and returning home rarely before 7pm. By the same token, this has not rendered me incapable of doing anything around the house and so no it definitely shouldn’t all be falling to you. Regularly working six days a week is not the norm though, but it sounds like maybe he has just had to do it this once? In which case I would let it go, sometimes this happens.

Some things you have e said in your follow up are a bit concerning however, like not being married, what sounds like separate finances and also there is not much point being on the mortgage if you are not in the deeds! Mortgage and deeds are separate things!

OhamIreally · 22/11/2021 09:31

I think you've fallen into a bit of a trap OP. I've seen this a lot in real life and described on Mumsnet.

Once a baby arrives and with precedents set during maternity leave the man will often change to a more onerous job with longer hours. This frequently has the effect you're experiencing- that the woman is forced to cut back her hours to facilitate this new working pattern and keep all the plates spinning at home.
Essentially he's improving his career and financial prospects at your expense. Now, if a couple is married that's often justified in that it benefits the family unit.

In my opinion these decisions should be made together by both partners and both should accrue the benefit of the extra work you are both doing as a result of the increased hours.

icedcoffees · 22/11/2021 09:33

Ah okay @BlueBritish that definitely changes things imo.

He's either a workaholic or he's using his job to shirk his domestic duties. Neither option is brilliant.

Original poster

BlueBritish · 22/11/2021 09:48

@icedcoffees @OhamIreally he really loves this new job, in fact, when he gets home he seems to have no other conversations other than work, I just find it really relentless.

OP posts:

4amstarts · 22/11/2021 12:09

He may only get time of in lieu but it is hard as the main earner - I'm doing loads of overtime at the moment at least an extra 2-3 hours per day plus weekends - I don't get paid extra for it but my efforts have been recognised and I've got a big pay rise coming and hopefully a promotion in the new year

LittleMissTake · 22/11/2021 12:21

Going against the grain here but you need to protect yourself financially given your partner’s attitude and the fact you’re not married.

Can you get a decorator and cleaner and put your child in a nursery

In this situation you need to protect your own income and pension. Can you increase your hours to full time?

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