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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mums previous comments making me paranoid?

1 reply

FTEngineerM · 21/11/2021 19:40

Or is this a whole different thing?

I’ve posted a few time about my mum, she moved out when I was 12 to start a new life we have had a difficult relationship since (now 30), now I haven’t spoken to her since Feb. In the process of me not responding to her after a really awful visit the comments became more and more.. well like they originated from a viper.

Ultimately she ended up sending me huge texts about my (almost)MIL/DP we’re talking about me and telling me everything I’m doing is wrong (from a parenting point of view). She said that they all watch and just let me carry on because I won’t be told blah blah. She was saying things to my face like I’m a great parent, she couldn’t have done this/that and how fantastic we are, then when I read messages between her and MIL she’s saying we’re doing it wrong, ‘didn’t have the internet in her day to do all this stuff and get it wrong’ ‘why aren’t we using our parental instincts’ and the likes.

None of it is true, because the people she said this originated from tell me/us every time they think we could do something better or similar but my mum obviously doesn’t know this. MIL is actually present and helps, shows us different ways of doing things and we take it ok board if we see it working.

Anyway, I’ve started to feel really suspicious of everyone when they say things, almost as if I’m paranoid that what someone is saying to me isn’t true (only about parenting). If someone says he must enjoy nursery burning off all that energy, I immediately think what they want to say is he must be knackered at nursery why are you sending him. Or if someone says you’re doing a great job (parenting now two tiny DC) I just think they’re looking on and thinking wtaf that looks like a shit show.

Is it just the things that happened earlier in the year when pregnant that has caused this or is it something else like pnd? Other than this I feel fine, we’ll as fine as you can 😂. I mean I’m not despairing or not binding or anything it’s literally just this but I want to try fixing it.

OP posts:
ChargingBuck · 21/11/2021 22:28

Your mother is a shitstirrer who enjoys undermining you.

Ultimately she ended up sending me huge texts about my (almost)MIL/DP we’re talking about me and telling me everything I’m doing is wrong (from a parenting point of view). She said that they all watch and just let me carry on because I won’t be told blah blah.
She doesn't like that you have a reasonable relationship with MiL & is trying to sabotage it.

Is it just the things that happened earlier in the year when pregnant that has caused this or is it something else like pnd?
Why are you blaming yourself for your mother's behaviour? Your pregnancy, or even possible PND, didn't cause her to play headfuckery with you. She chose to do that off her own bat.

but I want to try fixing it
Why? You didn't break it.
It's not your responsibility. Your mother enjoys making stuff up about other peoples opinion of you, just to make you feel bad. How can you fix that? You can't.
It's not surprising you have a need to 'fix it' though. Your mother abandoned you when you were 12, & was still poisonous when she re-entered your life at 30. It's entirely understandable that you might have some people-pleasing or self-esteem or 'rescuing' tendencies.

Instead of investing any more emotional energy onto your mother's behaviour, why don't you invest in yourself? Find an excellent counsellor who specialises in dysfunctional family dynamics, & work on whatever issues have caused you to to want to "fix" a nasty piece or work, when your instinct should be to withdraw from them before they do any more damage.

I'm sorry she is such a shit to you, & that you didn't get the mothering a child needs. Please stop investing time & headspace on your mother, & focus on YOU & people who genuinely care for you Flowers

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