He goes cold when

[Buffalooostance]

I'm not 100% and that leads me to feeling unsupported and like he doesn't care. Whether its illness or just having a slightly off day or if I have questions about our relationship occasionally. I've noticed in all these times he's turned abit icy with me and off. I remember once me having a teary day (rare for me but had alot going on) I felt he wasn't doing much to help me. But after I sprang back to myself he said he hated seeing me upset and it was the worst thing for him. He wanted to take it away as he's seen happy strong people like me get depressed and he'd rather take it from Me.

I've been poorly this ladt few days and he's pulled back still talking and still fine. But if I say anything affectionate (he'd normally always say something back) he's literally ignoring that part of the message.

He's depressed and on tablets for pain. So he's just messaged to say he's taken them as he falls asleep. I said I missed him this weekend and that I loved him and I'd speak tomorrow. He replied and said I'm not asleep yet and gone offline! He'd normally say he loved me back.

The other day he said something about we will get there eventually (he's got some work and money struggles) as he beats himself up. I said I thought we were doing OK and we balance eachother out well and everything's going in the right direction. He barely acknowledged that.

This behaviour seems to be around me not being predictable or being off. I am the emotionally strong one and I'm not sure If it frightens him if I'm not OK or if he just doesn't know how to sympathise.

Any other time he's affectionate. Loving. Lovely with words etc.

What is this?

You overthinking?

We're all allowed low days. That doesn't make a person weak.

I'm saying when I'm not at my best he seems to push away like he doesn't care. Doesn't acknowledge things and removes affection he'd normally give. This has happened 4 or 5 times over the last 6 months. Its like he punishes me when I can't concentrate on him or I have to cancel something.

Have you spoken to him about it in person?

Weird that he says the right things about wanting to take it away for you and that he’s worried about you, but doesn’t actually DO anything to make you feel that way.

My DP can also find it hard to know how to react when I’m down or in pain. His go-to is to try and cheer me up, and fix things for me, like if I’m down about my job he’ll talk about what else I could do instead, or if I’m having money troubles will ask if I need him to send me money etc. Bought me a huge body pillow when I was in pain, and makes sure I have tea and tablets etc. Sometimes I’d prefer he just sit with me and hug me, rather than getting busy to fix things, but that’s his way and I appreciate it. However, if he went cold on my I’d find that very difficult. Whats the point of a partner if they’re not there for you when you need them? It seems like it’s all a bit one way and he’s ok with you supporting him but as soon as you show signs that you’re not all about him he’s resentful. I think you might need a sit down chat about expectations with him. Point out the lack of reply when you’ve reached out to him (with what the Gottman Institute calls a ‘bid’). By turning towards you bid he has an opportunity to create a connection. By ignoring it he has caused a rift. They can predict accurately which relationships will survive based on how often you each turn toward or away from each other’s bids.

Worth a read.

If he can’t be supportive to you and he only wants you when you’re happy then he won’t be a good partner for you

He sounds like a lot of hard work. Mentally ill, physically ill, work problems, money problems and now he’s being a dick towards you. I think you’re giving everything and he’s giving very little.

*when I'm not at my best he seems to push away like he doesn't care

he says the right things about wanting to take it away for you and that he’s worried about you, but doesn’t actually DO anything to make you feel that way*

If he can't handle you at your worst, he doesn't deserve you at your best.

It's easy to find someone who is fun when things are going well. It's when thing goes bad that you see what people are made of.

He is showing you what he is made of. Believe him.

This has happened 4 or 5 times over the last 6 months. Its like he punishes me when I can't concentrate on him or I have to cancel something.

Have you posted about this man previously OP? - he sounds familiar.

Listen up - you are not compatible.
He's a one-way street, & you shouldn't have to be the one providing all the strength for both of you.

I felt he wasn't doing much to help me. But after I sprang back to myself he said he hated seeing me upset and it was the worst thing for him. He wanted to take it away as he's seen happy strong people like me get depressed and he'd rather take it from Me.

Words words words words words.
And his actions were ...?
Yup.
He does fuck-all to support you when you are under the weather, but expects you to support him.
Then he pretends that he cared, really, but just ... oh it was too hard for him & what about him, oh, & can we talk about him now please?

Stop falling for the bullshit that comes out of his mouth, & start thinking about whether you want to be with a selfish man who lets you down every month, & then lies about it.