am i selfish, mum guilt

[mrsconsuelabananahammock]

mr and dh split after 10 years, have 2 kids 5 and 7. I moved out last week. The kids didnt want to go and stay with him tonight and he said its all my fault for splitting the family up. We are keeping it amicable. But right now im thinking shoulg we get back together for the kids?
Im in no way attracted to him, he would demand sex and shout a lot when he didnt get it. It lead to me feeling really low and depressed. I just felt so empty inside.
I feel like there was no way for everyone to be happy. Me moving out will make him and the kids unhappy. If i stayed i would of had to have had to put up with being unhappy.
Does it get easier co parenting?

Don't go back. You left because it was right for you. If it was amicable you wouldn't even be considering going back.

He's a manipulative bully.

You need to find a way to keep your relationship with your kids.

Why don't your kids want to see him? Is he also a bad father as well as a bad partner?

@Sakurami no he is a good father. But he had told on of them off and thats why. Generally they always have fun with him, he takes them out, treats them to things

@girlmom21 i said to him tonight when he said that "its starting already" (meaning the kids not wanting to see him) if it really doesnt work out we will move back together. I live close to him like he requested to make it easier

OP, don't let him have so much influence on where you live. Don't live near him to make it easier, move when you can afford to. Don't engage in talks with him unless it's about the kids. Make all communication via text or email, not verbally. If he talks about anything that's not related to the kids, don't respond.

Women, please stop allowing this treatment from exes/soon to be exes. These controlling men will continue to control you even after the divorce if you allow it. Get some therapy to build up your self esteem/self worth.

The only way you'll be at peace is if you learn to stand up for yourself and stop allowing him to walk all over you/control you.

He doesn't get to choose where you live. If the kids don't want to see him that's his problem (sorry I misread and thought they didn't want to see you).
They can see through the Disney dad nonsense but have they said why they don't want to see him?

I’d be encouraging the kids to spend time with him unless there were concerns about abuse - it’s in all of your interests for your kids to have a relationship with their dad and being told off isn’t a good reason not to spend time with him.

In saying that, I agree he can’t dictate where you live, to make it easy for him. It’s ok to be “selfish”, by which I mean protect your own interests, well-being and happiness even if that means he’s unhappy.

@VillageOf8 i have already moved. I just couldnt stand him having a go at me if i moved further away. He has tried to tell me, he isnt eating etc. Tonight he waved a bit of paper in my face which was how much he would have to live on a week after i move out. Which i kind of ignored

@IknowwhatIneed yes i very much am encouraging them to go. But i also dont want them to be forced to go, i dont know what to do if they say they dont want to go

Don’t be daft, why would you go back to him?? You sound tired, you’ve had lots of change and everything is heightened is all.

Can you get someone to watch the kids and meet up with him to agree how you manage this. Thousands of people co-parent fine. Do some reading and research around it before you talk to him. The first rule being do not bad mouth each other in front of the kids, and try if possible to agree on discipline.

Also, be firm with the kids. They are 5 and 7 and a bit unsettled right now. They do not get to play favourite parent anymore than they did when you were married. They see their dad on x and x days and that’s it - you need time out from them.

What would you do if they said they didn’t want to return home to you? Do that.

He's manipulative. Ignore him. You've done the hard work.

Now stick to your guns

You’ve taken a very big step.. for a reason . Remember that 💐

Hi I left my partner of 15 years, I have 3 kids, being a single parent is really hard but I am far happier and I think that I’m a better mum because of this. Don’t feel guilty for taking control of your own well being!

Go and see a solicitor. You are too beaten down right now to protect your own interests. Let the solicitor act for you and negotiate child support, visitation, etc.

You concentrate on yourself. What do you want? Do you want to move nearer your family? Start looking for homes. Do you want to get a job? Start applying. Do you want friends? Find a hobby group, volunteer group, church group, etc. Become the person you were meant to be and show your children who their mother really is.

It’s only been a really short time - it’s going to be raw and miserable for a while for everyone. That does not mean it’s the wrong thing.
You know in your heart you’ve left for all the right reasons, you know you will be happier in the long run and so will your kids and honestly so will he (if he pulls his head out of his arse he will).

Stick with it OP, it’s been no time at all, you can’t expect it all to be ok yet. Even when things are amicable there will be times where one or both of you will struggle with the other, there will be differences of opinion over parenting decisions and finances etc. That’s no different to a relationship- co parenting doesn’t make the stress of parenting go away just because you’re not longer in an intimate relationship.

If I were you I would go as low contact as you can, keep it very straightforward regarding the kids, no discussions about anything non essential, don’t engage into emotional discussions or accusations.
Keep encouraging the kids to keep their relationship with him.
Look for support in your friendships or family etc or online. Perhaps think about counselling to help you through.

Theres no way you can go back “for the kids” and give them a healthy happy family life. You’re not happy, your relationship wasn’t healthy. So what’s the point in going back? You’ll make the situation 1000 worse doing that.

@Luredbyapomegranate it has been quite a lot to deal with. We have all ready dicussed a routine. And i know on my behalf i havent bad mouthed him infront of them.
@IknowwhatIneed when they knew i was moving out the oldest said he wanted to stay every night with dad. So i said if thats what he wanted thats fine, obviously now the move has happened he is happy to stay with me. I just want them to be happy. I dont want them to think they have to choose between parents
@gingirl1 glad to hear it. I just feel so exhausted from the relationship. And i feel now i will be a better person
@GeorgiaGirl52 im lucky my family isnt far, i have work, hobbys and friends. I just hope that they wont hate me for this decision
@Ohpulltheotherone we have been talking mainly about the kids when we do talk. He has tried to tell me that he isnt eating or sleeping but i dont really react to that. I wouldnt want to go back, but i just feel that he is blaming me for the pain he is feeling, then the kids see that he is upset because of me. Its just a horrible feeling

It sounds like you are handling what is always a tough situation really well. Move forward practically and positively, don't feed his attention seeking with attention. Don't take any nonsense from the kids - they have to spend time with you both and that's that - they don't get to play favourites.

Just keep moving forward and being practical. Don't look back. Lots of marriages end in separation, everyone manages fine.