Angry with who I thought was a close friend

[silverstar2021]

As the title says.

We met through work about 4 years ago and then my friend moved to a different area a few years ago but we still stayed very much in touch and always met up when she came back to the area. Both of us are single and in our mid thirties.

It has been a very balanced friendship, we would both be first to text and ask how each other were and probably spoke about a few times a week. We would send each other cards and gifts for occasions and I genuinely could tell her anything. We have also supported each other through difficult times.

The past few months, there were a couple of instances, where I didn't hear from her for a week or so. I reached out and we were fine, she usually just apologised and said she'd been 'busy'. Fine, all back to normal, messaging as usual.

Now some background - I am going through a difficult situation at the moment which she is completely aware of, nothing too major. But a change in my life.

I last messaged her a few weeks ago and she replied straight away, but not with anything to further conversation - didn't ask how things were going etc, just acknowledging the message really, so I left it - the conversation had come to a natural end.

Its now been nearly 3 weeks since we spoke. And i'm upset and angry about it. I feel like lately its been me messaging first. She knows about the stresses I have going on. And its just been radio silence from her. I'm angry because its making me anxious and ruining my week and i'm pretty sure she knows this would be how i'd feel. I don't have many friends , live alone, so I can feel lonely without contact, again another thing she knows about.

Its not like shes completely gone off the radar as I can see her social media updates - its just like shes forgotten I exist!!

Sometimes I want to message her, but I feel like its her turn? Maybe we're just not as close as I thought we were and I won't hear from her again.

I have actually had this happen before - where a friend who was close has ghosted me for no reason, and she knows about this. So why is she ghosting me now?

I'm just upset and disappointed and need to rant. I guess theres not much i can do. :(

Difficult situation. You don’t want to feel like you’re chasing her friendship but also don’t want to feel like you’ve not made the effort. Unfortunately you can only try so many times with someone. X

Sadly, it sounds like she is just too busy at the moment, it maybe that she is just so busy that supporting you is not uppermost on her mind.

I think you need to let it go a bit, it could be that she feels the friendship is a bit too much.

Just wait and see if she gets in touch.
If not just value the friendship as a great part of your life, and try to move on

There is no point in messaging her further at the point.

Sorry.

At this point

Sorry OP, but it does sound like she is distancing herself, but doesn’t necessarily want to have a confrontation on the matter.

I’ve been the person distancing myself from a long term friend this past couple of years. In my case this is because I came to realise that my friend was incredibly draining, with a lot of emotional drama in her life, every time we spoke I felt like the conversation was dominated by her problems and after years of this it started to wear very thin. However, if you had asked her, she would swear blind what a great friend she was and if I ever were to tell her why I pulled away she would not accept it and would probably get really angry.

I’m not saying this is you, but could it be? Could it be that your life issues have become draining to her?

It also takes a lot of effort to maintain long distance friendships and regular communication when you work full time, have family, partner etc.. It would have to be a really amazing friendship to not suffer. Multiple times a week communication is quite a lot for most people.

My advice would be to step back yourself and possibly get some counselling for your life issues if you need some support to help boost you. Focus on finding some new local connections.
😘

Maybe she's a fairweather friend rather than a true friend. You've mentioned a stressful situation in your life right now. Sadly some people lose interest when things aren't light and fun any more.

Being brutal maybe she is fed up of only hearing your issues. Maybe she needs a break from them if you contact her so many times in a week

Maybe she has stuff going in that she feels she cant share with you because of your issues, maybe she is busy with something

Speaking a few times a week is a lot

There’s no point in being angry, that’s in your hands to stop, as is the anxiety over this. You have to accept that she has other things going on in her life she is not there just to listen to you

is it possible its mismatched communications ? With regards to each other being busy ?

Getting to the point where i'm wondering if to even bother with a Christmas card and gift this year... its sad as this the first year i've even had to think this.

And to those who think i've been draining, i'd say she had equal times of difficulties that I have, and i've ALWAYS been there for her through hers. Always giving her sometimes, the same advise.

I admit that theres been times i've felt HER communication has been a bit much. But i've always been responsive.

Its so weird that its come to this.

@silverstar2021

Getting to the point where i'm wondering if to even bother with a Christmas card and gift this year... its sad as this the first year i've even had to think this.

And to those who think i've been draining, i'd say she had equal times of difficulties that I have, and i've ALWAYS been there for her through hers. Always giving her sometimes, the same advise.

I admit that theres been times i've felt HER communication has been a bit much. But i've always been responsive.

Its so weird that its come to this.

Rather than almost make it certainly to cause a further decline in the friendship, via the card ect, what about making the effort in case your friend is wrapped up.in something that they cannot fully discuss at the moment ?

Sometimes the whole I was there for you when x and now I need you he 're for me for x, in theory is an understandable perspective, however depending on the situation , it can make it different set of events or reasons for lack of x etc ?

You could be honest with her and say you're concerned you've done something to upset her and as you value her friendship you'd hope it's something that could be resolved.

What this highlights op is that you are far too emotionally invested in one person.

You need to concentrate on building other friendships and spend your time on that rather than waste energy getting angry with the only one you have.

It's not very healthy for you.

Could she have met someone? Wondering if she’s struggling with how to share good news with you?

there were a couple of instances, where I didn't hear from her for a week or so. I reached out and we were fine, she usually just apologised and said she'd been 'busy

How often do you text? How did you 'reach out' that she apologised for not texting in a week?

@MichelleScarn Well usually we text about once or twice a week!

The one time I hadn't heard from her for two weeks I simply asked if she was ok as we hadn't spoken for a bit. Then she responded and said she was sorry but had been busy. Then everything was back to normal.

But this is the longest we've gone without speaking since we've been friends.

It sounds like you are very invested in this particular person and she has a life to lead. I am really sorry she is letting you down, but it is in all likelihood the case that she has her own struggles going on.
Try to pull back a bit without being passive aggressive with her. She probably my doesn't deserve it.

I have distanced myself from a friend recently because all she does is moan about work, how little she is paid (£40,000!) and about how little money she has- she is currently in Stockholm on holiday for 5 days.
I am bored silly listening to it. If I go out with her it's all the same stuff, same stuff by text. I just can't stand it - she is not badly off. Has very small mortgage and few outgoings. Is mean with money too. I have just cut back in contact- we still speak and text and see each other but less than half what we did.

I just don't understand how she doesn't notice that we haven't spoken in weeks... or maybe she has. I guess what this does prove, it that we are not as close as I thought we were.

I don't want to be hurtful, but your post is full of the fact that you have things going on in your life, and that she should be making more effort because of this.

What's going on in her life? Have you asked?

Do you need something specific from her? Have you tried being clear about you need?

It can feel draining to be needed. We all want to be there for our friends , but it's much easier if we know specifically what we can do.

I can kind of understand why she is keeping her distance

I'm sorry. I gave been through something similar several years ago and it feels terrible.