I am feeling hopeless and lost.
I feel like everything feels muddled and I can't figure it out.
I am wondering if I am in a mentally/emotionally abusive marriage, or if I'm the problem.
I hope this isn't too long! If I am in the wrong I am wanting to throw my hands up and be a better wife.
1,
Sometimes when my wife and I have something planned, whether it is watching a film together at home, going to the cinema or bowling etc. Two things often happen, whilst we watch a film at home she may get a call from a family member and will answer the phone and be on the phone for 3 hours or so. Or if we plan to do something together and a friend might suggest the same thing she will go with them. Sometimes we still do what we planned, sometimes we don't as it doesn't make sense to go if she has already done it.
she says I'm controlling as I get annoyed when it comes to answering the call, she feels we can watch a film anytime. Her family don't live in the same country, she feels she has to schedule to speak to her family because of how I am and feels anxious answering the phone because of how annoyed she says I get. It's not that she has to schedule, but it's never "Is it urgent? Are you ok? Can I call you back?" she will say to me "I won't be long" then she's off for 3 hours.
2,
There are these two women who she works with, my wife used to be friends with them but in the beginning of the year they were really nasty to her, she didn't speak to them about it, she kept her distance. She got close to them again and is just watching their behaviour as she doesn't trust them. One of them bought her tickets as a Christmas present to a concert for the both of us because my wife mentioned we wanted to go. I said I don't feel comfortable going, as I feel like I am being two faced. I said she can go but it doesn't feel right so I won't go, she said I was controlling and I don't put her first it's all about what I want to do and I am so strong in my feelings. I encouraged her to go and made suggestions about going with a friend or taking our daughter. She is hurt by all this as she said why can't I just put my feelings aside for her.
3,
We got married last year, because her family are in a different country we were supposed to visit next year and I would meet them for the first time. Recently I decided that I didn't want to go because her Mum has been absolutely awful to her and to me. She is racist and has made several racist comments (I'm black). My wife said that I am not thinking about her and I'm only thinking about myself and stated how important this is. She said we are not going for her mum, we are going to her home and to meet her sisters. Although, I understand. I feel it would be good for her to go on her own and spend time with her family and talk through issues.
We have had a huge issue with her oversharing, she has over shared my personal stuff to family and some friends time and time again, there has been situations where she has done it and lied to me about it. I've been so hurt and exposed by this it has caused huge fights. She said she feels she is scared to talk to her family and friends just incase she says the wrong thing.
We had a massive fight yesterday where she stated how unhappy she is and I only think about myself and I don't put her first when she is constantly thinking of me.
It feels very jumbled and I don't know how to fix this, things were good with us last year. This year has been difficult, I started a new job, it's been very challenging because my commute has been nearly two hours each way, and I am always just so exhausted. She's been lucky in the sense that she has been on and off because of the covid lockdown and was working part time for ages. She said she feels like she does everything and she I'm not affectionate or haven't been there for her (she has had a tough year) I have been trying, and have pushed through the exhaustion so she doesn't feel this way.
I need some insight because I feel like I am going crazy, I feel like there is so much going on here.