Struggling with my Husbands Mood

[Teabreakplease]

Hi All, I'm at my wits end and over the years have found great advice on here so I'm posting as I really don't know what else to do. I met my husband 20 years ago, married for 10 and in the last couple of years he has become increasingly, well kind of awful. We have 3 small children and I wont leave until the youngest is 18. We have no local support and it would mean I would loose my job that I love. He has no respect for me. It's like once I took on responsibility for the children and started to do well at work he started hating me and trying to cut me down and its constant. My personality is strong enough in that I would be direct enough about having no time for nastiness or unkindness but also I come from a hard working, working class background so I would be quite open and clear about what's expected. I wear my heart on my sleeve kind of. I straight out say 'you can't speak to me like that' or I gently point out when hes doing something I will later need to fix or clean up. Honestly he is absolutely awful to me when I say those things. We are seeing a counsellor. For the first few sessions the counsellor gently encouraged me to work less and maybe not be so 'nit picking'. When he realised what was going on with my husbands constant cutting down of me and when my husband one day started hitting himself with a plug to make a point (I know :( ) the counsellor apologised to me in an individual session. My husbands Mum and Dad are both seriously unwell so theres likely a touch of sadness and depression around that. I suspect he blames me (and not covid) for his life being boring and child focused at the moment. Honestly from my background though you tell people what is bothering you or you fix it yourself. You don't do what hes doing to me to anyone. Please give me some advice. I'm trying so hard and nothing is working. My Mom recently just said 'stop trying so hard, you'll just run yourself into the ground'. I'm honestly exhausted and my soul is just so sad from it all for everyone concerned. Thanks everyone, I hope you are having a sunshine filled (If a little chilly) Sunday morning x

The way I cope is doing things that don't include him. Including sleeping separately. He doesn't get the perks of marriage without putting the effort in

There was an interesting thread on here recently (yesterday?) about staying in a marriage "for the kids", with plenty of experiences of people who's parents broke up as soon as they were 18. Pretty much unanimously saying it messed them up wondering how much of their happy childhood was real...

Can I ask why you won't leave until the youngest DC is 18? As I don't think it does benefit the kids to stay miserable to be honest.

I’m not sure what you want from posting, apart from venting (which is completely understandable), because you say you won’t leave him. Yet that is the only sensible advice anyone can give.

You can’t change him. He chooses to be abusive towards you no matter what you do and you have decided to put up with that by staying. So … put up with it if that’s what you’ve decided.

Or leave. Your excuses for not leaving are just that - excuses. Of course you can leave.

I really don’t mean to come across as harsh but I do mean to be blunt. There is nothing you can do to make it better - except leave.

You need to leave. You can get a nanny or a babysitter. Leave as he will not change

I'm so sorry this is happening.

I think you're doing everything you can tbh. You're attending counselling, keeping it together for your children, working and dealing with the house.

Tbh you sound awesome and like you're doing your best in a shitty situation.

To confirm: yes his behaviour is abusive, but you knew that.

May I ask whether the counselling is having any affect on your husband? Is he taking stock and making any changes?

For what it's worth my parents very obviously hated each other from age 13-18 (when I left). There was never anything that awful in their marriage. No physical abuse or coercive control, no violence no massive rows. Just a constant hatred and bad feeling between them.

I BEGGED them to get a divorce as a teen. I BEGGED them. They stayed together "for the kids" but I hated it with a passion. I literally had a count down to first day of uni when I could escape!

Just telling you this because staying together isn't always the best thing!

What you have to realise though is that this isn't going on in a void. Irrespective of how strong you are, your children will pick up on this. Is this the sort of relationship you want to model to them?

I don't want to sound brutal - I'm currently going through a separation from my partner of 10 years, mainly because of his inability to manage his depression, which he has taken out on me for the duration of our relationship. I knew that I didn't want my DD to go into a relationship with someone like her Dad. I didn't want her to absorb that negativity and think it was the template for what relationships are supposed to be like.

It won't be easy to be single, but it sounds like you have a supportive Mum at least. You're not alone.

Your kids deserve a happy loving family home. Do they get that with you both together?

Seriously living in an environment like this, with this kkind of thing going on, isn't benefitting your children.

Thanks everyone, I honestly thought no one would reply. I agree with you all to be honest. It's the advice I would give a friend if they were in my situation. We have counselling again this week. The next few weeks will be telling as both me and the counsellor are aligned now and he will have to change or I will eventually have to do something to make things better for the 3 children. You're right in what you said. I'm a total wimp but I will do absolutely anything for them once I'm sure it's the right thing. My Mom is very direct but has really good kind practical values. I am so grateful for her. Enjoy the rest of your weekend and I'll post an update again next weekend. This is a lovely community for support really

Are you getting counselling for yourself? I would think that would be more valuable

Hi All, I hope you are having a nice break and holiday. Hard enough going here this week. We have had a nice time in that the kids are having a lovely time and my parents came and I know they had a great time too. Our last counselling session was cancelled as the counsellor had a bereavement. My husband wont go now he says, did a bit of shouting about not wanting presents, then got some, as he said, to 'put on a show' for my parents. Walking on eggshells would be a delight at this stage. I feel like I'm walking on knives. I literally have no one. My friends were a bit baffled when I said we were having marriage troubles. My close friend advised me not to separate as it can be hard. Recently I could tell they were finding it hard to believe my husband would behave the way I described. I know they will think it's my fault as honestly he seems like hes not capable of that level of meanness. One acquaintance heard him saying something mean to me at dinner a few months back and immediately said 'you cannot speak to her like that'. I used to say that but hes been telling me I deserve it for years now. I am so weary. Sorry for venting. I'm not perfect, and I of course make mistakes. This is so enthusiastic and mean and continuous though, it's as if he thinks I am someone I'm not. My character is hardworking and jolly and I am a bit of a doormat trying to accommodate people. I grumble a little but to a normal degree I think. It's also strange he has no care for the example he is setting the children on how to treat people. I feel like my whole life I thought people were fundamentally good and really this is what goes on behind closed doors and the rest of my life will be difficult.
Why are people like this? I am so confused and worried about my poor little children listening to this. I am hoping that there are very few of you out there in the same boat as me. I'm as tough as old boots and the thought of anyone else going through this horrifies me.

If you've tried absolutely everything and nothing has really changed, finding a way out seems like the only option. It might not be a 'good' or 'desired' option but all you have are undesirable choices. Everything being magical and happy again isn't one of them.

I understand wanting to stay for the kids but the biggest lesson my mother could have taught me is that you don't have to stay with someone who upsets you, adults have the agency to say no, no more. I wonder if that's something you struggle with.

@Teabreakplease

Leave him.

Do not continue to bring up your children in this toxic environment;he doesn't sound like a kind involved father and treats you like shit in front of them.

He doesn't give you any support anyway so why are you so concerned about having family around?;your practically a single mum as it is.

He sounds absolutely vile.He hates your job?;I bet he has no issues with the money from it though?

Please make an appointment with a solicitor;at least see where you stand legally and although he doesn't want to go for couples counselling anymore you should definitely have solo counselling as I think it would help you to find the courage to end your god awful relationship.

Also you know that most abusives partners put on a front to the outside world right?;they portray the fake image of a loving father/partner.

There's a saying "you never know what goes on behind closed doors"

"If you've tried absolutely everything and nothing has really changed, finding a way out seems like the only option. It might not be a 'good' or 'desired' option but all you have are undesirable choices. Everything being magical and happy again isn't one of them.

I understand wanting to stay for the kids but the biggest lesson my mother could have taught me is that you don't have to stay with someone who upsets you, adults have the agency to say no, no more. I wonder if that's something you struggle with."

As PP have said, please do not rule out leaving before the youngest is 18. It is so damaging to children to be raised in an abusive relationship because that becomes their relationship model and, in addition, it makes day to day life rather unpleasant and stressful.

Some of the most functional people I know were raised by separated parents who were able to co-parent sensibly and reasonably. And, quite seriously, some of the most dysfunctional people I know were raised by parents in very unhappy marriages who either separated when their children reached adulthood or never got round to separating and died miserable.

There can be good practical reasons for staying which are child-related but I don't think it should be framed as staying for the kids. It should be framed as "I'm staying because - while I am raising a family - it is easier for me to stay in this marriage than to leave it". Because that's really the choice you're making. And it might well be a legitimate choice - but own it as something you are doing for yourself rather than for your kids.

Hi OP.
Why would leaving him mean you would lose your job?
I am asking as I too once was too afraid to leave an (not visible from the outside) abusive marriage and thought I would not be able to cope on my own with the kids financially/ with work.

Four years on and I am so grateful to not have stayed 'for the kids'. They were primary school age at point of separation and after a tough few months became so much happier in themselves. At the time of staying 'for their sake' I didn't realise the effect of the strained marriage on them, but seems I wasn't the only one walking on eggshells/ knives (I can so relate).

Work and finances all worked out fine despite me assuming the worst and feeling like I would never be able to cope.

Put your mind to it, whatever you think you can, you will do in the end.
Be honest with your manager when you separate and ask for their support, whether that is to allow additional time off or reducing hours. Many companies have support networks in place for these type of scenarios. Good luck and lots of strength

Sorry, OP - missed your updates. You should definitely be looking to get out. Being raised in this atmosphere will be so damaging to your children. As to what your husband is capable of - abusive people often put on a very respectable public face and save their worst behaviour for their family. It helps keep their unfortunate spouses trapped in abusive relationships.

I think you have reached the end OP, I could read the pain in your words. As others have said, for the sake of yourself and children, the best thing you can do is to leave your husband.
He is deliberately abusing you, it doesn’t sound like there is any love in the marriage and you’re in danger of having a breakdown.
Deciding to end a marriage is never easy, but neither is living the rest of your life in misery.
Please do seek legal advice, the sooner you take charge of this awful situation, the better and brighter your life will be.

Your marriage is over OP.

Your children are in a highly abusive home.

They are being damaged everyday by what they hear.

Don't worry about your friends.

No one leaves a marriage with three children lightly.

Reach out to your parents.

Tell them just how bad it is.

You need to start planning on getting out.

Choosing to stay in this environment with your poor children until they are 18 is not an option.

Ring Women's aid for advice and support.

Can your job offer support?

My friend has been in a similar relationship to you OP but luckily was a 2nd relationship so no Kids and not married. I encouraged her to get out of the relationship she's a wonderful woman and deserves to be treated as such.

You are to I am sure, love yourself as you love your children and get out, get cold hard angry, use that cold hard rage to make sure you get what you should financially when you split.