Can he do this?

[newname445]

NC for this.

Seeking advice for my DSis. She and DP have a DD 3, unplanned but much loved. DD has chronic health problems, not life limiting but significant. DSis has not been able to work since DD born due to these conditions, she’s currently applying for DLA and carer's allowance for her.

They live together but relationship with DP broke down ages ago and they’re basically housemates. DSis wants to move out taking DD and move into a place our parents own, which is small but closer to them and to me so more family support for her. She is pretty miserable and feels really isolated as living rurally right now.

DP said to DSis on Thurs you can go but you’re not taking DD. He wants to keep her at his house.

For ref my sis does all the night stuff, most of the day stuff, is the primary carer and does much of the medical caring as well.

Can he do this? Has he got a chance of keeping their DD if DSis leaves him? She’s in a state as she badly wants to leave but absolutely will not without DD.

I don’t think he can because he’s not the carer for her health conditions and my sis is the primary carer, but she’s completely gutted and worried.

I know we need to call a solicitor but I want to reassure her and hoped someone on here might have wise advice.

Thanks if you read this far.

Well, physically she can just leave when he's out and take DD with her. He can't stop that.
Legally, she can take DD and if he wants her back he will need to go to court to get her back.
However, obviously he can also do exactly the same.
If she wants to leave with DD and genuinely believes that's in DD's best interests she needs to do that asap.

Can he do what? It is your sister that wants to “do” something as far as I can tell. Neither of them owns the child, they need to come to an agreement and if they can’t do that the courts will help them find an agreement. The starting point is 50:50 custody (I a assuming he is on he birth certificate and thus has parental responsibility).

I would agree with PP.
Your sister needs to leave and keep her plans to herself.
Nobody can say what the courts decision would be if it got that far but given your DSIS is primary carer it is likely she would remain so with reasonable contact with dad.

He sounds like a bully and she needs to remember he is not going to do anything in the best interests of their child given his recent demand.

She needs to leave anyway but plan it like a military operation so she's out and gone within the few hours he is out.

Chances are he is all talk but let him take her to court. She has nothing to fear by the court process if she is genuinely the primary caregiver and it would settle the issue.

The problem at the moment is she is seeing him as a friend and trying to do it with his consent. Because he's an asshole he is seeing this as her giving him power (which it is to be fair) and he is exercising that power to his own ends only.

It's time for her to stop trying to please everyone, let the chips fall where they will. All she has to do then is respond in the unlikely scenario where he takes her to court for custody. He will never get custody in a situation like this.

Yes, unless they agree something between themselves they need to get a court decision.

Atm both have equal rights. That would only result in trauma for the child if either tried to exert their want over the others.

The best thing for the child is to be local to his or her parents and to form a strong relation with both. They need to make that the outcome they both want to achieve.

It’s not about your sister or her partners needs or wants.

What is he suggesting then? Your sister moves out, leaves DD there and he gives up work to care for her? Fat chance. He's bluffing.

If they can't agree a contact schedule amicably they'll have to go to court. As she is the primary carer the court is likely to agree that she should be the residential parent, plus some level of contact with her dad.

Yes she can leave and take DD.

Given he could have stopped work to care for DD but didn’t, his comments sound like empty threats to me.

I would definitely move ASAP in her shoes

I don't know if their marital status makes a difference to anything?

The best thing for the child is to be local to his or her parents and to form a strong relation with both

I disagree that this is always the case.
The DSIS is living rurally and is isolated which is difficult for anyone but a parent caring for a child with medical needs/disabilities it can be even more difficult.
As tbe DSIS is the primary carer it could be said that her having more easily accessible support from family and being able to access specialised support (this is more available in larger towns/cities) would be more beneficial for the child than remaining locally just to be close to dad if it's just a matter of reasonable travel time.

Sounds like he's putting his interests first, which effectively traps your dsis.

I think she should make the move anyway and let him try to take her to court afterwards. She's got good reasons to move and is primary carer.

I presume it's not moving so far away that he'll be unable to visit/have contact with his dd regularly?

Hi thanks so much for the quick responses.

Firslty I agree that the DD's welfare is paramount. DSis has been talking to me for about a year about this and the only thing she talks about is what’s fair to my niece, she’s often saying, "I’m unhappy but what about DD, how can I take her from a big house ti a small flat, she'll miss her dad" and she worries about her exDP too and doesn’t want to hurt him. So we have been over and through that so many times and trying so hard to get the balance right.

And yes to a PP, he is a bully. He also doesn’t really consider his DD's best interests at all times, he’s often all "I know what’s best" when it actually isn’t always the case. But you can’t fault him for love, he adores his DD, he didn’t want kids and was totally uninterested during pregnancy but he’s really come round to being a dad. Just not the most hands on one.

He can’t see that DD will be happiest with two happy parents, if you get me. Right now my sis is miserable and she’s doing her best but it’s really hard for her. She just wants to give her daughter a happier life.

Yes to the PP who said that she will be better supported if she moves to our DP's flat. She will be in the same town as our DPs and I will be only a 20 min drive or bus away - like, I can actually get there on the bus! I’ve hardly seen her since she moved in with exDP as I can’t drive and because of her DDs health she can’t get out easily.

Ok, so there’s been some really helpful advice on here, thank you so much. She’s a bit of a wreck atm as they had another row this morning, but when she’s a bit calmer I’m going to show her the thread and we will see what we can do.

Oh, and to the PP who asked whether he was going to give up his job, that was my first qu too but he has loads of money and can basically get his parents to babysit for him. I said I doubt that would go down well in any court, but obviously she’s really worried. I think he’s just totally ground her down. It isn’t abuse exactly but I think a bit of financial control and just like an emotional grinding down.

Oh and yes, she’d still be close to her dad, in the same county though I’m not sure how long it would take to drive, maybe 20 mins? Possibly 30. But DSis and exDP both drive so can surely make it work. I don't imagine DSis is going to move out of the area, we’ve both been here all our lives and we have a lot of family nearby, aunts and uncles etc, plus good friend networks.

Yes she can leave with the child. If his name is on the birth certificate the father is at liberty to do the same.

The way to go is for her to leave which will force him into mediation. (The first stage of a child arrangements order) . Hopefully this will get them to agree a fair contact schedule. If not - then a judge will listen to both sides and make a decision in the child's best interests based on the current circumstances. One parent will be awarded residency and the other - contact. Their parental responsibility for major decisions are shared. This costs £215 . Mediation varies at about £100 per session. You do not need a lawyer. It is common to self represent.

Taking a child from easy contact with the other parent (ie. from one end of the country to another) is frowned upon and will not be looked upon favourably by a court. The judge can require the child to be returned.

However as this is nearby, go now and make him jump through the hoops.

The child has the right to a good relationship with both parents so it's important that DSIs enables good contact arrangements. It sounds as if she is planning to move close enough that she can share custody with her ex. As others have said the assumption is 50:50 as the first principle.

He can't stop her but he has a reasonable legal expectation that he will have access to his child. It's important that they get in place an agreement soon for sharing childcare so that he feels his rights have been fairly addressed,

I think the question you should be asking is can SHE do this. Think about it like this, if he were to remove the child from your sister regardless of the fact she did not consent to him doing so, would she be perfectly ok with that? Of course he can say no to that. It's his child too, not a piece of property owned more by one parent then the other just because one does more of the changes etc. Both parents have equal rights of parental responsibility.

Your sister needs to understand that her relationship with him and his relationship with his child are two very different things. The fact she doesn't like him and thinks he's a bully to her is between her and him, not about his relationship with his daughter. Does he bully his daughter? Does his daughter not like him?

I'm sorry but this sounds more about your sister and how she feels about him. This could turn nasty if she cannot separate her own feelings about him from his relationship with his child. He will be perfectly within his rights to get a solicitor and take her to court for 50/50 access, but I suspect your sister probably won't want him to have equal access either, if that happens then it will soon be clear if it was about her feelings toward him rather than his right to a relationship with his daughter.

Harsh but people need to keep their own personal feelings about the other parent out of their dealings with the kids. It's not fair to treat children like property owned more by one than the other. Far better they both reach an agreement they are both happy with.

Agree with all that she should just Go and let him then ask for contact.

But a few caveats, if she takes the "unwarned flit" technique:

On the day she leaves, she contacts the police (or at very least social services) to let them know what she's doing, and why. Esp if she's not planning to give him her forwarding address. Spurned exes frequently go the "crazy lady stole my kid" route, and this protects her from this tactic.

Just as she can Just Take DC and Go, so can he, until a Court decides things. So, until there's a Court Order, she should not allow him unsupervised access.

Hopefully it'll all settle down swiftly and life will be serene, but it's better to be safe than sorry.

I think your sister needs to see a solicitor and quietly make plans to leave. They will have to agree custody, through the courts if necessary, but as DS is primary carer it is obvious that if she leaves DN will go with her for now.

Obviously she will allow him immediate access (solicitor will advise). If he wants to apply for 50/50 he can of course. Given you nieces age and needs I’d imagine the court will decide on residency with the mother, but even if it didn’t, or that changed in future, it sounds like separation is the best thing.

As ever she should pull all the financial info, get legal advice, and then act.

Mona

No where in the OP does it say the sister wants to deprive her DD or dad of a relationship.
She is unhappy and he is a bully are you saying she must stay with him for the sake of their child who's care mum does the lions share of?

To me it doesn't matter if he doesn't bully the child, the fact he bullies his childs mother makes a rubbish man and parent.

The sister had tried to discuss separation and his answer was "you go but the child stays" that is a threat to make her stay put! He isn't thinking about the child as his solution is to remove her from her primary carer and what leave her with GP or a nanny while he works?