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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My family is hurting badly 😭 *Content Warning - abuse/grooming* edited by MNHQ

16 replies

Steps77 · 21/11/2021 02:16

I met my now ex partner when he was seperated from his wife. I had a daughter before and we have a 6 year old together. We were living together for 5 yrs until my then my daughter 14 years a the time told me that he touch her breast and fondle her private parts. She's 17 now. She also recorded him grooming her, telling her to spread her legs etc. Long story short I kicked him out report him to the police and now I heard he's back with his wife. She doesn't know nothing about the molestation but she know about my 6 year old. I have her number and I so want to tell her the entire true and how he manipulate my daughter. I had to get private counselling for my daughter, it had affected her so bad that, it was the worst I ever seen her. On one hand I want to talk to her, woman to woman but on the other hand I'm thinking she may say I'm jealous of their relationship. But I'm not, I'm so angry that I took him in when he had £2 in his bank account, help him with a job, sort out his driving license, gave him money to sort out his life and he totally ripped my family apart. My daughter is scarredfor life and she has tested my parenting skills. At first I didn't believe her, as I thought she was creating mischief and she was looking at naughty stuff on Instagram back when there were no restrictions. But when she showed me the recording I almost fainted. I have asked her for forgiveness and our relationship is now back on track. The police has said the CPS may not take it to court. But the recording is creepy! This man has known my daughter since age 4! My 6 year old doesn't know her 2 siblings that his wife has for him. They are 17 and 23 years, they know about her but he has refused to let my daughter knows then. Please don't judge me! I really need advice. Also my daughter has already done her police interview, also myself! He's 52!

OP posts:
Hesma · 21/11/2021 03:15

I’m not sure what to say OP but we’ll done for being brave enough to go to the police with your DD, let’s hope they do take action. Are you having any form of counselling? I think you should talk to your GP and see if you can arrange that for both of you. Sending love Flowers

Monty27 · 21/11/2021 03:40

The wife will find out in due course when the police begin an investigation. They're very good especially when there's evidence.

nocnoc · 21/11/2021 03:46

Well done for getting rid of him. This should be a warning for anyone with a young child to think carefully before introducing a new man into your life. Keep up with the counselling for both of you. She will need lots of support. Push the police to prosecute.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 21/11/2021 04:36

Are either of her children daughters? You'd seriously hope he'd draw the line at biologically related, but being a father figure from 4 years old, he's capable of anything. I'm so sorry this has happened to you and your daughter, and please, please be kind to yourself and remember, this is NOT your fault.

WitchWand · 21/11/2021 05:13

I would find a way of telling the woman he is now living with. Even if she says that you're not well motivated and doesn't believe you on the spur of the moment, she might reflect on it after and see things differently.

It would be about my conscience really. Who knows what his intentions are with other young women or girls...
I would want to do what I could to stop anyone else being harmed in the way your daughter has.

I wish your daughter well. It's great that she's getting the care she needs. Take care @Steps77 .

PinkSyCo · 21/11/2021 05:16

Ugh this is why I would never let another man into my home after my divorce. Your poor daughter going through that in the one place she’s supposed to be safe and then not being believed until she proved beyond doubt that what she told you was true is awful. Do not be surprised if she punishes you for this in later life-probably when she has children of her own- OP. As for you wanting to contact the other woman, if your motives for doing so were good ie to protect his biological daughter’s I would say go ahead, but as it sounds like his DD’s are of an age to be safe now, and you would be acting only in vengeance, and would only serve to hurt his innocent DD’s, I would advise you to keep out of it, let the police do their job and concentrate all your efforts on repairing your broken DD.

letsmakethishappen · 21/11/2021 05:25

Totally agree with @PinkSyCo

Mooloolabababy · 21/11/2021 08:49

Your poor daughter, why would you not believe her in the first place?? no wonder she's scarred for life, the person she trusts most in this world didn't believe that something horrendous had happened to her!

Bagelsandbrie · 21/11/2021 09:06

I think you have a duty to tell the ex wife. If there are any children in the extended family or his children go on to have children then I think they have a right to know.

fournonblondes · 21/11/2021 09:42

Well done for getting rid of him. This should be a warning for anyone with a young child to think carefully before introducing a new man into your life.

Let’s highlight this.

User57327259 · 21/11/2021 10:21

I hope the police will deal with this effectively and properly. Had a similar situation and police were not worth the bother.
Your poor daughter and you will both have this on your minds for a very long time. This was not the fault of your daughter or you. It is wholly on your ex partner.
Please err on the side of caution if you even have the least little hint of anything untoward between an adult male and any child. If you have a suspicion go with it and do not let police or anyone else try to talk you out of it or ignore it because it does not suit their agenda.

NotaCoolMum · 21/11/2021 10:22

@Mooloolabababy

Your poor daughter, why would you not believe her in the first place?? no wonder she's scarred for life, the person she trusts most in this world didn't believe that something horrendous had happened to her!
Yes!! 100% THIS!! ALWAYS believe your child if she comes to you with this kind of accusation!! It’s better to investigate a claim and have it turn out to be false than to not believe your child and have it turn out to be true! I hope you’ve REALLY and I mean REALLY apologised to your poor DD.
Steps77 · 21/11/2021 10:46

Thank you everyone for your advice. At first he told me they were over and he had move out, that's why I formed a relationship with him. But he is a narcissist and a manipulator! He manipulated my mind into thinking that my daughter was a bad child. I haven't heard back from the police since July and I've been trying to contact them because my daughter want this whole thing over and done with before she starts Uni next September. I heard that he's now a health care assistant working in various hospitals so I have to tell the police as a health care professional myself I have a duty of care. Pity I didn't act like this with my daughter, it's something I'll have to live with for the rest of my life! How could I be so blind! Thanks again guys everyday I live with regrets.

OP posts:
Steps77 · 21/11/2021 11:04

It came across my mind to tell her but I don't want her to think I'm carrying a grudge. I have her number though. But the police stated that I shouldn't discuss with anyone.

OP posts:
wizzywig · 21/11/2021 11:07

Op, go via social services (Google the safeguarding team for the local authority that the wife lives in). Do it that way, via the professionals. Soc servs will have contact with the police so can corroborate your daughter making a statement

Yummypumpkin · 21/11/2021 11:11

If the police have told you not to discuss it with anyone then there is your answer right there.

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