Partner with kids

[Beckandcall85]

Hi, my partner has two children who live in a whole different continent. He sees them once or twice a year. He desperately, desperately misses them but quite often it manifests as (or feels like) hostility towards me. He becomes very distant, drinks very heavily, is uncommunicative. He lives in my flat so this is really tricky to deal with. We’ve been together a year and a half. I have a suspicion he still harbours feelings for the ex wife too who had an affair. The whole thing has left me feeling really insecure. Is that egoistical? Thoughts please.

Run. It doesn’t get any better.

My partner has a child who lives on a different continent who also misses her desperately. He visits every other month. It's very hard on me and our relationship sometimes, but ultimately their children come first - as they should. I've had to accept this

However I would not put up with bad behaviour because of his situation

Nah I dealt with one like this, it doesn’t ever get better.

Get rid! The drinking alone would be enough for me to end it. A man like that is like a child.

Why is he living in your flat? You’ve only been together a year and a half! Get him out and make him make effort to date you! How long have you been living together?

Why do they live in a different continent ? Whoever agreed to that ?!?! Can he not move to be nearer to them ? Will they ever return ?

Seeing your kids twice a year has got to be the ultimate in misery. Which is why I fail to see how it happened? Surely if it had gone to court - there's no judge that would agree to the arrangement.

Difficult to say if it's worth continuing....can you tell us what you're relationship is like outside of what you've described? I'm thinking you should perhaps move on as mean as that sounds. You haven't known him all that long and tbh it sounds like you could do without the drama.

This has to be awful, and putting up with this, and allowing him to treat you like this in your own home? No no no! Turf him out, you need a darn sight more respect, at the very least, from him sharing your home. You don’t have to bear the brunt of his bad moods in relation to his past, good or bad.

OP, you’ve previously written about your dysfunctional relationship with this alcoholic who has a porn addiction. You sold your flat in August. Have you bought another place?

This guy was bad news before, and you said, “He was just not the man to build a solid, happy, healthy future with.” With this additional information regarding his hostility/detachment, you need to face, once and for all, that you will forever be dragged down and diminished by him.

After years of pouring yourself into your work, you wanted more of a balance, so bought your flat. You lived together there, but the relationship became unstable. Besides his addictions, you were at odds regarding having children, future housing, and general life goals. You felt the relationship had stalled and you wanted a family life and more room, so you impulsively sold your small flat but immediately regretted it, as you and he had no real plans.

You wrote in September that you’d broken up and you were dividing your time living as a lodger and with your alcoholic mother. As of last week you were still broken up. Have you actually resumed this toxic, dead-end relationship that fills you with anxiety?

You deserve happiness and stability. I would advise you to definitively end things and seek the support of individual counseling to strengthen your self-esteem.

@MsDogLady
If this is true OP then I recommend a book for you to read called Women Who Love Too Much.

Just to clarify that book looks at codependency and how Daughters of alcoholics can often end up partners of alcoholics

It’s natural that he misses his kids if he’s only them once or twice a year, but it’s not on that he’s taking it out on you, unless of course you held a gun to his head and forced him to move so far away from them. Have you discussed with drinking and hostility towards you with him? If not, it’s time to do so and to start laying out some ultimatums.

This is entirely unfair on you and you are not egoistical, at all. All these issues are his - they are serious ones - and his alone to deal with. There is nothing you can actually do. He is an adult and must resolve this somehow and not drag you down with him. Talk to him by all means but I do not see him taking any kind of action soon. After the time you've been together I think it's time for you to do what's best for you and your own future.