Mother in law issues

[or1990]

Hello, I’ve never posted on here before but feel as if I’m going crazy and need some reassurance or to be told I’m in the wrong haha.

So my mother in law has always being a bit weird with me, she’s always given off the vibes that I’ve stolen her son from her (my partner is and only child). We got together and moved out and had a baby quite early into our relationship. She still says to this day that she doesn’t forgive my partner for moving out, she’s supposedly against abortions but when I fell pregnant told me she wouldn’t judge me if I decided to have one. I had my daughter in December 2019 and we fell into some finical problems and we ended up moving in with her and my partners dad. She doesn’t work so I was home with her all day every day and she made my life hell, I was suffering with PND at the time and she knew that and really did play on it. She’s criticised my looks, the way I dress, how I dress my daughter and how I parent. She’s recently tried to control what career path I take because she doesn’t think I one I have is good enough, she’s told me things that people who I’ve never even spoken to have said about me behind my back to her and they’re quite nasty things, picking on my looks etc. I went back to work part time and just before we moved back out when I daughter was 9 months old I came home and her words were ‘she’s being a f’ing little cow today’ and I was astounded I just picked my daughter up and walked away. She’s tried to come in between me and my partner by saying things he’s supposedly ‘said’ about me behind my back and with my mental health being as bad as it was I believed it and we argued over it. Once we moved out I tried to set some boundaries with her as she expected me to go round to see her every day and I tried to stop doing that and she got my partner round to her house and slated me to him saying how much I hate her and so on, so I gave in and started going round again. I have rang her every morning for the past year to keep her happy and give me a quiet life and it’s all recently come to blows. She started ignoring my calls etc so I stopped calling and again it was all my fault and she got my partner round again and said she wanted to know what she’s done wrong so I just told her every single thing she’s done to me and how it’s made me feel. She got her parter to ring mine and she was screaming down the phone that I’m a liar etc and they told him to go round straight away. She didn’t reply to my message and I didn’t expect her to, I just needed to get off my chest how I felt as it’s being hanging over my head for a really long time. My friend who owns a shop near my house text me last night saying that she’s been into her shop telling her what I said in the messages and calling me a liar etc (my friend has known everything from the start) and tried to get my friend on side with her. She called me a narcissist etc and it’s left me feeling really hurt again. Me and my partner have not argued over this as I refuse to let her some between us again but am I wrong here? I’d just like to know, I feel like I’ve always tried to keep the peace and put my feelings aside and I express them and try to talk to her and this happens.

I'm really wondering why your husband isn't backing you up here. I'm always so sad when I read stories like this where the husband won't support his wife and lets his family treat her bad. When you get married, your spouse comes before everyone even your parents. So really, you have a husband problem first. Then MIL problem second. My husband and I agreed back when we got married that NO ONE will come before each other. Doesn't matter who the person is. We are life partners and we put each other before any other person.

Start with your husband. Make it very clear to him that you will no longer tolerate his mother treating you like this and he can either support you who is his wife/mother of his child or go back to her. He can't be married to you but allow him mother to run all over you and him. If he refuses to pick you, then you have some serious decisions to make regarding your marriage.

Next, set boundaries with her. Don't engage in any more conversations with her. Block her number. That's your husband's mom so he can text/call her to make her happy every day. Not you. If she comes over your house, the first time she disrespects you, kick her out. Don't attend any events over her house. You don't have to keep the peace with someone who won't give you the same. Stay strong and don't let anyone treat you this way.

Agree your husband seems very silent. He should be fully supportive of you. Don’t feel bad about setting strong boundaries with her as lots of your post is examples of very unreasonable behaviour. It’s unfortunate that you had to rely on her during your time of need- make sure you thank her for this & she feels appreciated but then put it behind you; what I mean is not to allow yourself to be in a position where you ‘owe’ her. Good luck xo

Me and my partner have had multiple conversations regarding the way she treats me and stuff, when he goes round there he doesn't ever say anything back to her whilst she's having a go about me and it's really frustrating, as if it was the other way around I wouldn't even think twice about jumping to his defence. He's not a confrontational person and I know he finds it hard to stand up for himself at times but this has honestly nearly split our family up so many times. I'm at a point now where I have to put myself first and my daughter, I don't want her growing up thinking the way she behaves is normal and okay. I've tried standing up for myself in the past with her and she threatened me, I'm dealing with quite a nasty piece of work here. Thank you for getting back to me it's nice to know I'm not going insane haha

Can you move away?

Can you take your daughter to where you will be safe.

Your partner doesn't care and his mother is awful.

Life is too short.

Time to leave.

I have looked into this but financially it's just not an option unfortunately:(

What’s the worst thing that happens if you go reduced contact with her? Tell your partner it’s what you’re going to do as a compromise and also tell him you want his 100% agreement on this course of action.

If the reduced contact is even too much then go no contact but of course your partner can take your daughter over for a supervised visit.

I think the MIL will never be happy with any of her sons girlfriends / wives and will always see if that they have taken him off her. She’s never going to change that view so just say ok then, you think that. That’s your issue not mine.

I personally have a mil situation myself but I would never leave the marriage because of it. When we were waiting for our new house to be built we moved in with her for 3 months and it was hell. I now see her once a week for a small amount of time and that works fine. We actually get along better than we ever have.

She's basically said now I've told her how I feel there's no chance of a relationship between the two of us but she wants one with my partner and our daughter. I'm okay with her not speaking to me, I'll be happy with a quiet life but I'm not sure if I should let her have one with my daughter. Things were quiet until we went to see my friend and tried to get her on side, in my eyes it was done with

I've tried to reduce the amount of contact I've had with her in the past and she's kicked off to my partner and she's always got her own way

I'm sorry, but you have a DP problem.

Until he has your back this won't go away whilst you're so near.

What's your housing/financial situation?

Your partner needs to stand there and take her kicking off and then say. Ok, let’s move on from this. I’m not discussing @or1990 anymore with you. If she tries to bring it back he needs to just say again that this is not a subject he’s going to discuss and shut it down. If he’s not capable of doing this then it’s his issue to sort out? This is not your problem op. Don’t give this any more of your thoughts, move past it.

I know what you mean with the mil having a relationship with your daughter but from my own personal experience, your daughter puts you above anyone else. Children are smart and they know a nice person from someone who’s not so nice.

I suppose what I’m trying to instil in you is that none of this situation with the mil is your responsibility. She’s not your mum, you don’t need to fix this.

Ps it founds like your partner is making his problem (and his mothers problem) to be your problem and you’re going to need to address this and make your partner take ownership for his own family stuff.

OP,

You have to get away.
It is that simple.

Ring Women's aid.

Your partner isn't supporting you.

Your daughter needs you to be strong and to plan.

Start with your husband. Make it very clear to him that you will no longer tolerate his mother treating you like this and he can either support you who is his wife/mother of his child or go back to her. He can't be married to you but allow him mother to run all over you and him. If he refuses to pick you, then you have some serious decisions to make regarding your marriage

Yes, do this OP.
Then go NC with MiL. No discussion, no negotiation, no "trying to". You just do it. You don't need anyone else's permission.

When she reacts by sending her Flying Monkeys at you, don't respond. Block all of them too. MiL & her hit squad are not your responsibility. Remind DH that it's up to him to handle his mother, because you have spent year doing exactly what she asks, but she's still going out of her way to play headgames & make you unhappy.

Ultimately, DH need to step the fuck up, & you need to work on your boundaries.
Once we moved out I tried to set some boundaries with her as she expected me to go round to see her every day and I tried to stop doing that and she got my partner round to her house and slated me to him saying how much I hate her and so on, so I gave in and started going round again.

Then you didn't maintain a boundary. You gave MiL permission to trample it - you did not hold it. All you have done is teach her that the nastier she is, & the more she uses your own DH against you, the easier you will cave in to her.

I've tried to reduce the amount of contact I've had with her in the past and she's kicked off to my partner and she's always got her own way
Tell your partner, in simple, firm words, that you are now NC with his mother, won't be coerced into having a relationship with her, & no matter what she tells him or how she manipulates him, you will not be changing your mind, & he is to stop banging on about what his mother wants from you & start concentrating on supporting his own wife.

You are going to have to get a lot more hardheaded about this OP.
Let her kick off to DH - not your problem.
Stop giving her her own way, just because she involves your DH.
Nobody can force you to interact with this woman. But you are the only person who can ensure you no longer have any contact with her. If that upsets DH, tough tits. He should have considered your feelings & needs years ago.