Need advice about texting

[liska5]

Hi everyone! So I’ve posted about my struggles with dating before, and I need advice from you all again :) I met an interesting guy and we went on two dates so far. On the second day, we good bye kissed. The date seemed great, and as I got home, he texted me, saying he had a great time. Then this morning he texted me good morning. All very sweet. And here’s my question. I have an anxious attachment style, I’m aware of it and try to work on myself not to have expectations too early etc. But still - after I texted him back this morning, he read it and then nothing. It’s now several hours later. I always have this issue, so it’s more of a general advice that I need :) I always see my texts pop up and try to get back to people right away. But I understand that he may be busy, sleeping or whatever. Still, I keep checking my phone and I know I shouldn’t be. So my question is - is that like that with many men in general? Should I just wait till this evening when he replies? When is it ok to message again, like a ‘hey, all ok?’ (Probably never so early into dating haha, I get it!) And when is it ok to tell him that I kinda would appreciate faster response rate? (Again, not after a second date necessarily but in general…) Thank you!!

No no no!! Don’t text him asking if things are OK. That would make me run a mile.
I know it’s hard when you’re waiting for a text from someone you like. But I heard something recently that I think is very true: if someone hasn’t replied to a message, it’s cos they don’t want to. Either he doesn’t want to reply just now as he plans to do so later, or maybe (hopefully less likely) he doesn’t want to reply at all. But either way, there’s not a lot you can do about it. He won’t have forgotten all about you, so all you can do it wait.
I don’t mean to sound harsh, but trying to force a response by asking if he’s OK isn’t the way to go. Better leave it and see when he does reply. He’s only one small part of your life, try and focus on the other stuff for now.

I get what you are saying but the text conversation has to end somewhere? Was there a question in your response? He has messaged you twice in the past day so he’ll respond to you later. I was dating this guy once and he would be constantly texting all day. It was so boring as there was no substance. My current h2b (we’ve been together 7 years) was never a texter for texting sake and I like that. We would message in the evening for an hour or so or have a call etc. The messages were like conversations or arranging what we’d be doing on our next date etc

I know it’s not easy but try and relax and enjoy getting to know one another.

Generally, I would think that when you replied to him, that would be complete in terms of that mini text exchange in itself. He's getting on with his day and you get on with yours. It is so important to keep doing everything in your life and not invest too much (time, effort, worry etc) at this stage of 2 dates, even thought they were great and he has done all the right things so far to communicate with you. Let him text you next whenever that is. You both know you had a good time and like each other but please do give him the opportunity to text you next. Hopefully it will be about another date and then you can go from there. However, I would not be expecting him to text until tomorrow or even the day after. It just depends on what your texting pattern was like before your dates. It would be too soon to tell if that 'means' anything so please don't assume he's not interested anymore. It is so, so difficult to not want to check your phone all the time and to want them to communicate frequently. I would definitely not be telling him you want a faster response rate - what is he a 911 service? Lol. It has to grow naturally and this is when you can tell how it's going, if he's giving you the time and effort to communicate and continue dating you can also do the same.

As per PP, your little “good morning” exchange has finished now, and he is off going about his day.
Don’t send an “all okay “, that will make someone run.
Just let it develop naturally.

So he texted "good morning". In your reply did you do anything to move the conversation forward?

Oh OP it is so hard isn't it!? I'm the same, to the point I have sabotaged two potentially great relationships by being that person. Any slight shift in text tone, response time etc had me calling the whole thing off immediately. Harsh lesson learnt.

You have to force yourself to chill the fuck out. Not easy but never ever send an "all ok?" message when clearly, all is OK. You'll come across weird and needy and it will look like your obsessively checking your phone for a reply. Which you are. But he must not know that!

No easy way forward but what I will say is give it time, if it evolves nicely then IN TIME he will pick up on your need for reassurance. If it's a relationship that's heading anywhere good, he wont mind that and as you get more confident with him, you'll find you wont need the reassurance as much anyway.

@Valeriane

So he texted "good morning". In your reply did you do anything to move the conversation forward?

Yes. He said good morning and that he ordered a book I wrote, which was nice :) Then I said thank you, of course, and wished him a nice day, and complemented him on some public speaking video he did. So I didn’t really ask any questions or anything. I think he will write tonight - but would’ve been nice a bit earlier :) Also - is it ok if I suggest to meet next, like tomorrow? He invited me the first two times.

So he texted you after the date and again this morning (he likes you)

and he has ordered a book you wrote (he likes you), and it’s great that your a published author.

There is no problem with you suggesting the next date, try something easy like, do you want to check out xx bar, or the xx pub has a live band on tomorrow fancy going,

Easy.

Definitely NEVER double text! ‘Hey you OK’ screams desperation. Just wait for him to reply, and try to calm down!

He texted, you replied. If everyone has to text back immediately we'd do nothing but text.

Never ever text things like, 'everything OK?' because there's a whole raft of things that seems; needy, passive aggressive, confusing. I know that it's not... but it seems that way.

Absolutely ask him out though, if he asked the last two times. He's probably wondering if you like him!

Read Why Men Love Bitches (rubbish title, such a good book for those prone to anxious attachment )

Even the quotes helped me massively ! www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/25840.Sherry_Argov

The whole point of a text message is that it’s a) a way to have a quick exchange which doesn’t necessarily require any follow up and b) you can respond to a message at your leisure unless the content is time-bound. You say you respond to your messages right away, so if every time he messages you, you respond immediately, where does the messaging stop, without you getting upset he’s ignoring you?

You’ve met each other twice, he’s told you he enjoyed the last date and has wished you a good morning, to which you’ve responded. What else is there to say? There’s only so many “good morning”s and “how are you today?”s you can exchange with a near-stranger without it becoming tedious and wouldn’t you rather exchange actual substance rather than filler for the sake of it?

And honestly, if a man told me he’d appreciate faster responses to his messages then I’d be telling him I’d appreciate it if he didn’t bother contacting me again. (I’ve ended early dating situations twice for this reason.) Your anxieties and insecurities are yours to work on so that you can reach a point where three hours with no message doesn’t = he doesn’t like me anymore in your head. You can’t demand other people respond to things on your timescale because you’re prone to anxiety and feeling insecure.

I guess he could have replied to your compliment with something nice and self deprecating and then said have a good day or something.

Did he send you the link to his video or did you go looking for it?

So my question is - is that like that with many men in general?

No. Some men are big messagers, as are some women. Other men and women just don't message much. And everything in between. No blanket rules!

Yes. He said good morning and that he ordered a book I wrote, which was nice smile Then I said thank you, of course, and wished him a nice day, and complemented him on some public speaking video he did. So I didn’t really ask any questions or anything.

This sounds like a complete and finished exchange to me. If I haven't asked a question or brought up a new conversational topic I don't expect a reply from anyone, and wouldn't give one myself! But I can't stand texting for texting's sake, personally - if I don't have something to actually say there's no point saying anything IMO.