Why has my mother turned cold since I had a baby?

[Sam2002]

My mum was a single parent and we were always quite close. She’s turned really bitter now she’s in her 60’s. She’s had a ton of bad relationships and has decided to stay single after her last partner sadly passed away with cancer a few years ago now. She’s slowly got more and more moany about everything and anything. When I was pregnant she never acted excited for me or even talked about baby much, it’s her first grandchild. Now baby is here, she lives 15 mins drive but has only been to see me and baby twice, for a couple hours. I visited once but she acted like she didn’t want us there. I’m a single parent and just expected this experience to make us close again as she knows how hard it is. She never makes a fuss of the baby or anything, he’s a really chilled, cute baby too. I’m sad it’s like this because I would have loved us to go out and do things, it’s his Nanny but she has just turned cold. Any ideas what to do?

Maybe look.to yourself and other friends for a relationship? Sounds like she is happy to be negative, going forward I expect it will be a battle to keep her engaged and who wants that? Choose to walk on the sunny side of the street, lifes far too short for that stuff.

Could she be depressed? After bad relationships and partner dying that sounds enough to make anyone totally deflate and feel emotionally distant from others in their life.

Do you think you have enough of a relationship to say you're worried about her? That you've noticed she seems distant and like she doesn't feel able to be involved? (Not using words like 'cold'

I was about to say she sounds depressed. But even still, this is really sad for you op.

I wouldn't do anything dramatic and cut her out or anything, but I would try and build a network which doesn't necessarily include her. Hopefully she will come round. It does sound like she's had a difficult time and a bereavement. So maybe this is "situational stress" (which is a lot like depression) talking.

She may be getting almost flashbacks to when you were a baby and this might not have been a good time for her.

My mother could not bear to be near my DD when she was a baby. It’s a long story of PND and more, but it did get better

What PPs said, plus, women's hormones change after the menopause and it's common to feel much more err "pragmatic" selfish and much less nurturing. I include myself in this, so I'm not getting at anyone - this is from observation of my own emotions after menopause as well as those of close friends and relatives.

My takeaway is, if you have to put work in, put it into dealing with her how she is rather than trying to change anyone. Of course you wish things were different!

But, how many people do you know who have successfully changed someone else ? It's really rare, difficult, and trying to do it is 99/100 times a waste of energy, which you need for your lovely baby. It is sad, but can't be helped really. Sorry.