Money

[Dancingqueen90]

Not sure how to handle this.

Earlier this year my husband lost his job. The minimal savings we did have didn't last long and became financially dependent on me including my credit card. He was out of work for about 4 months including the school holidays. I supported him in this time and he eventually found work and returned last month.

I am still really pissed at the situation. It wasn't his fault he lost his job but he is so financially crap he didn't have any savings or a way to support himself. The savings we spent on bills was money I had put away. Eventually we had to borrow some money of my parents but I had to ask not him. I only agreed to ask this time if he pays it back. I am not taking the financial hit.

He wouldn't take any casual work going just to subside himself. He was crap at dealing with the mortgage company.

I got left with paying out all extra stuff like school aftercare as he didn't have it. He wouldn't even ask his mum to lend him a fiver to get some flowers for me from the supermarket for my birthday. The response was "I am skint so couldn't get you anything this year"

But if it were the other way round, he couldn't have supported me. I would have had to taken short term work till I found a perm role. I have kinda been there in the past as this isn't the first time our financial situation has become my responsibility. Both mat leaves I financially supported myself as I couldn't rely on him. We did a large project and I ended up sorting the finances (but at the time PT low wage compared to his FT middle salary).

The whole thing is so unappealing. This isn't how I want to live. Just don't know how to handle it all.

@Dancingqueen90

I feel for you what an awful situation and I'd be the same with feeling very sad annoyed

My parents always taught me I should have 3 months worth or rent/mortgage and bills stashed for a rainy day but the more you hear - especially during COVID - I think the concept of saving for a
Rainy day is a Thing of the past as even after a month people you'd hear on the news people were on the breadline even with furlough and grants - which is worrying

I personally couldn't live like this to be honest, it wouldn't appeal to me at all - I'd leave him and his crappy finances too it and check that he hasn't got any hidden debt you are named on

Wishing you all the best for moving on from this "taker"

This is making me want to quit my marriage but part of me doesn't even know where to start.
What I have described above is his worst quality. He is a good father, loyal husband, excellent cook, good family man. Just absolutely shit with money.

I was the same, taught to save and have rainy days pots. But I feel like this has all gone to ruins since being with him as I am forever bailing us out. In the past I think I took the hit as he had a career change so was starting out. But now I just see a repeating pattern and I feel stuck.

It's all a bit overwhelming.

I'd feel the same as you. Have you both sat down and talked about this in a calm and neutral way? Obviously he needs to be a lot more responsible about money since it's not fair on you to be entirely responsible for finances. How he reacts will be crucial, if he is willing and shows he can change, then that's something. You can be very proactive and insist on implementing a savings plan however small, you got to start again somewhere. If he gets all defensive and makes excuses then you know you're on your own and it's up to you to decide to accept his worst quality together with everything good or not.

Thanks..I agree we need to talk about it.
What my worry is is that he will be on board with it all but then somehow "of this came up and that came up etc" and it doesn't happen....
I don't think he will be defensive. He will agree. Then something will happen to let me down or I will micro manage it. This is the part I find so unappealing.

What would he do if you didn’t bail him out?
Do you think he’s doing it because you are good with money and he doesn’t have to step up?

I couldn’t be in this relationship.

We share our money. We’d always support the other if needed, especially if a job loss wasn’t the persons fault. My DH isn’t great with money but he earns enough to support us both if needed (I work full time too but he earns a lot more). We don’t have much in savings to be honest. We save a pension and also for if anything breaks. Other than that we’d rely on redundancy payments (rightly or wrongly).

Is the case that he can't save or won't?
What did he say when you spoke to him about the way you feel?
He wouldn't have needed to have subsidised you as you had the savings. Isn't that what savings are for in the first instance?

I think either way this needs resolving if you're resentful and contemplating ending your marriage.

@TheTrinity

I'd feel the same as you. Have you both sat down and talked about this in a calm and neutral way? Obviously he needs to be a lot more responsible about money since it's not fair on you to be entirely responsible for finances. How he reacts will be crucial, if he is willing and shows he can change, then that's something. You can be very proactive and insist on implementing a savings plan however small, you got to start again somewhere. If he gets all defensive and makes excuses then you know you're on your own and it's up to you to decide to accept his worst quality together with everything good or not.

This. However, be warned: people rarely change, and this includes attitudes to money, saving and - especially - spending. Unless he agrees to hand over his salary, and you are willing and able to take over all financial management, these issues will continue to cause problems forever and ever.

This would be a big deal to me. A similar view to finances are crucial in a relationship.

Could you sit down together and work out a budget..and then agree that you will handle the money as he is useless at it?

@Helpstopthepain

What would he do if you didn’t bail him out? Do you think he’s doing it because you are good with money and he doesn’t have to step up?

I couldn’t be in this relationship.

This time round I didn't give him money for him but did pay joint bills. I also transferred money across over the summer holidays so he could do stuff with the kids (nothing expensive). After the year we had I didn't want the kids having a miserable summer.

He does it (I think) as I don't dig my head in the sand and will tackle stuff. He would dig his head in the sand..we have been there with hidden letters etc.

So can he afford to save now? Maybe use this as an opportunity to agree you both need to set aside a regular amount for rainy days to avoid it again. Can well see why his casual attitude is unattractive though.

I am actually considering putting myself back into counseling to talk this out with someone. I just feel so let down. And is it that much of a deal breaker to walk away..but I am tired of being the financial responsible one.

I’m having similar issues with my DH. He’s been unemployed for 4 years. He lost his job due to his mental health and I’ve supported him through all that. I had to ask family for help with bills which was awful.

I finally managed to get us to a good position with some savings and his mental health has improved a great deal. Things have been good - except he hasn’t been able to find a job and he just keeps overspending on things we ‘need’. This was mostly for the kids or household items, but he’s also bought a car on pcp which I have to pay for! He bought the car when he got the start date for a job so I did agree to it even though I wasn’t 100% happy. Tbh i don’t think he should have been accepted for the finance at all.

He just gets angry whenever I bring up money but I have to otherwise he just carries in spending. We’re currently not speaking after another argument about this last night. It started when he started showing me pictures of front doors and it ‘only’ costs £1500 and we (that would be me) could take out 0% interest free finance. I said no way and apparently I’m unreasonable 🙄

It's probably an unpopular position but financial security (not wealth) and similar approach to money is probably in the top 5 things I look for in a partner. I remember as a child having to wait until payday for the electric to go back on, I could never go back to that.

It's likely if you raise this issue with him he will get defensive because that's his style avoid, deny, ignore etc.

Would he be able to commit to saving an amount every month to a joint account, so both contribute 100 or so a month? The recommendation is to have three months salary saved for emergencies and it sounds like you need to build that buffer back up. He also needs to take some responsibility for his share of the finances as it is such a burden having to think and worry for two. You don't want to seem controling but someone has to set the boundaries.

@Colourmeclear I think it’s great advice

I was in a very similar sounding situation. He worked full time when we met but as soon as we moved in together, he stopped working due to his mental health. The responsibility for paying all the Bill's, running our cars, buying food and clothes all fell to me. Nothing was very good enough, he always wanted the best of everything but didn't think he should have to work for anything. After I walked out, I felt like I was rich, not having to support someone else but my mental health was at rock bottom. I hope things get better for you verysadlady. X