Not belonging anywhere and lonely

[OddoneOut100]

Hi everyone, hope this is the right topic to post. I desperately need advice. I am feeling well and truly lost and its just overwhelming me in a very bad way. Dh, 2 dd's and I have moved back to the UK after being away for 10years. I have gotten into a very bad negative space of extremely low confidence, overthinking and feeling so sad. I have no friends here, have tried initiating meetups with various people but no response. Everyone seems to be in their own bubble and just have no capacity for a new friend. I am a sahm with a 1yo and I have attended a few baby groups with the exact same response. My other dd is in a very nice Prep school, the parents are very fake nice and cliquey. I have seen this now filtering through to my dd. The mum of her only friend has discouraged her dd from being friends with my dd and I feel so heartbroken to know my dd has to deal with this. I used to be a strong person, but it has been a very traumatic few years and I guess everything has broken me down. The thing is, I also wouldnt want to return to my home country as we were not happy there either. This feeling of not belonging anywhere is keeping me up at night. I wouldnt even know where or how to start working on myself. Thanks for listening, apologies English is not my first language.

Doesn't sound like a "very nice" prep school are there other options with a broader mix of kids and less snobby mums?

You don't need to apologise for your English . It is not apparent it isn't your first language.

I don't know anything about private schools, but generally my feeling about 'becoming friends with school Mums' is that I take my dc to school to drop them off and then I collect them again - I presume that folk that already know one another chat with one another as we all naturally do gravitate towards our friends when we are in the same place.
Over the 7 years of Primary school I got to know some parents of people my dc were friends with through sorting out lifts etc., but they aren't people that are my own friends.

Friendships tend to evolve over time. I don't know how long you have attended the groups with your baby ? Quite often people there might also be sitting there not sure quite what the "rules" or etiquette is in regards to approaching people. I know when any of us start attending something, the natural assumption is that everyone else there knows each other but it isn't necessarily the case - others might have only been once or twice too. Can you approach the organiser and explain that you are new to the are and would really like to be introduced to a couple of friendly people ?

Another thing I would do is join a Church (or place of worship from one of the other World religions) - very often folk will be very welcoming and friendly even if you are not sure about your beliefs.

Or what about a hobby, or some volunteering. Something you enjoy, from ramblers club to book club to return to netball to walking football to knit and natter to joining ladies rugby. Or becoming a Scout Leader or Guider or volunteering at your local Hospice or for somewhere like MHA or Age Concern as a befriender, or 1001 other volunteering opportunities.

My son goes to a similar prep school and I avoid those mums like the plague!!

Do you have any hobbies? Could you join a local class/club based around this? Might be a good way of meeting likeminded people.

Sorry you are struggling.

I agree with people saying to explore a hobby if you have the time and there is anything in your area - book clubs, art groups, dance, sports, etc. I feel these are better ways of meeting people than baby groups because they are more about you and not your children.

I also wonder if you have thought about seeing a counsellor. It sounds like you have had a difficult few years and it could really help you to talk this through with someone impartial, who can help you figure things out in your own mind.

You can find counsellors through the GP or privately online, I recommend someone who is registered with CPCAB if you do that.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I can personally relate. In all the time my kids were at primary school (they started in the middle so not ideal), the same things happened with regards to trying to befriend other mums. It helps that all 3 of my kids were at the same school and that maximised my chances of them making friends and therefore potentially mum friends for me lol. I was a sahm as well and was looked down upon by the working mums. When I became a work from home mum, that was also looked down upon (pre covid). I felt I just could not do anything right in their eyes. It does take time and a lot of persistence to find those who are open and friendly. Just don't give up! As someone has said, sometimes you assume others have friends and the reverse is also true, people sometimes assume you have friends and aren't new to the area let alone the country.

It was a case of swallowing my pride and giving loads of invites for playdates and coffee/cake after school drop offs, going to parks and other play places, some libraries are great for play groups as well. I also took my kids to out of school activities and hobbies which was good for them but also brought me into contact with lots of other parents from other schools as well. It breaks my heart that your little girl's friend is being told to stay away from her. I've always taught my kids to have as many friends as possible, not all of them can be your bffs but friends are always important.

OP I can totally relate to this. I've lived in the UK for 26 years and while I consider it home, I still feel like I don't fully 'belong' and I most definitely no longer belong in my country of birth (having been away my whole adult life). I have nothing to add that pps haven't already mentioned but I just want to say that you're not alone in feeling that way.

Been there - seen that. Some parents at private schools have standards they wish to retain and us ordinary folks are not quite the ticket. Their problem.

I would not want a child of mine at a school with this general ethos.

It is often hard to find a way in to a new community - it does require perseverance which is a challenge even when you are feeling on top of things; and it seems that you are feeling quite low at the moment.

Maybe concentrate on enjoying your children at the moment - they will grow up very quickly - please try and enjoy this bit.

My advise is to enrol your daughter in extra curricular activities so that she make friends outside school. Also, summer camps when the time is right. If you are not feeling confident it would be such a pain to make new friends without even getting in the snobbish area. It is so ridiculous but yes people mainly care about mixing with people who would be beneficial to them. However, there will be other mothers at the school being like you. Keep an eye to see who is down to earth and kind.

Which part of the UK are you in? Maybe time to move to a different part of the UK