Boyfriends ex being pushy about a meet up

[Menora]

I didn’t know where best to post this. Long term user but not posted for ages.

Boyfriend of 18 months, both of us have kids and do not live together (no current plans to but very happy together). I’ve met his ex to say ‘hi’ a few times at kid pick up time, boyfriend has met her partner a couple of times to say hi. All is ok.

As an aside - I coparent with my ex and his partner who is a great stepmum. My relationship with her evolved naturally and we are now friends (even buy each other gifts on birthdays)

Boyfriends Ex W has started to push for all 4 of us (her new partner, me and ex) to meet up formally. We have all been invited to an event so BF replied we will see each other there anyway. Apparently this is not suitable. The meeting suggested is dinner/day out with kids present.

Boyfriend and I talked about this and neither of us are very bothered, this all feels a bit forced and cringy? He asked if there was any specific reason for this, apparently it’s to get to know me ‘for the kids’ (who I don’t think really are bothered about this 😂)

Whilst this all seems nice that she wants to get to know me, boyfriend says that this kind of triggers him a bit. He feels like he did in their marriage where he can’t say no to something without looking like a dick. She’s already made her mind up that she wants this to happen. He feels uncomfortable about it but it’s not a totally unreasonable request, so he feels like he’s being a dick for not wanting to do it?

Has anyone had this before?
Obviously now we are going to go because to say no makes us look unreasonable

Just say no thanks!

I wouldn't like it either. I know my kids step mum for a quick chat if I see her out and about. More than happy with that.

Obviously now we are going to go because to say no makes us look unreasonable

Nothing obvious about it. How old are the children? You can politely say, no thank-you. You don't need to justify your answer.

How long has he been separated? Are you the first gf since separation?

I get on with scs mum but would never go for a day out like this. Just keep saying no, she'll get the message eventually.

They are both under the age of 7. Having had my own kids, I don’t think kids of this age are as deep as to be bothered by this kind of thing. They want to have fun and be happy/loved, which everyone is providing!
He did ask if there was an issue, I think we dread getting there and being cornered with some issues. BF is regularly presented with a load of parenting issues at drop off.

I am the first girlfriend but we met over a year after their divorce.

She moved her boyfriend in less than 6 months of meeting him and didn’t introduce him to her ex for vetting first 😂

Well we don’t have anything to hide and no reason not to go apart from we just don’t want to 😂
Which feels a bit like us being dicks

No reason you should do it if you don't want to. At events, I am civil (through gritted teeth) to XH, and pleasant to his current wife, as I don't have an issue with her. All for the sake of adult DD, and the thought we might all be Grandparents at some point. But socialise and make nice with arsehole XH? Not on your nellie. Stick to your guns.

Just say no.
You're dating, not step parenting.

NO

the end of conversation

What about suggesting meeting up for a cup of tea in a cafe or lunch instead of committing yourself to going out for the whole day?

Absolutely not.

You tell your boyfriend that you are dating him, not his Ex.

No need for this at all.

She sounds like a bully, who wants a good nose at you.

Stop her in her tracks.

"No thanks, not necessary, not happening".

Why?

"Because I said so".

"Because I don't want to".

On a loop.

I would NOT move on this.

Just say no thanks, but look forward to catching up at the aforementioned event

I think she has every right to meet someone that's spending a lot of time with her kids.

But I'd suggest a quick coffee not a day out.

I think the suggestion to say no, you're dating not step-parenting is a really good one.

We suggested an informal situation, like park or coffee she wanted to go out for dinner! So trapped at a table with them for at least an hour 😐

I don’t spend that much time with them I am not a stepmum. I ask them to call me by my name if they ask

He’s said no to the dinner

Just say "No"

Don't give a reason.

My mum and first step-mother got on but they didn't deliberately spend time in each others company when it was nothing to do with their children.

It is fucking weird as a child, regardless of age, for your parents and step-parents to do that.

@Menora

We suggested an informal situation, like park or coffee she wanted to go out for dinner! So trapped at a table with them for at least an hour 😐

I don’t spend that much time with them I am not a stepmum. I ask them to call me by my name if they ask

He’s said no to the dinner

Why not just call her yourself and say it straight 'hey, listen a meal out is a little bit much, it's just not really my scene, but if you fancy coffee some time, feel free to give me a shout'. Just say it like it is and she can like it or lump it.

@Pinkbonbon

I think she has every right to meet someone that's spending a lot of time with her kids.

But I'd suggest a quick coffee not a day out.

She has absolutely no rights.

The father of her children is not a convicted felon and as he has parental responsibility he the capacity to decide which people should meet his children when they are with him.

Does it really make sense to say "I'm dating, not step-parenting"? You're not a step-parent yet but you're dating a man with children, it's going very well and you have some involvement with each other's children. I just think a remark like that could come across a bit dismissive, as if you don't regard the children as at all important or aren't planning to stick around.

Agree dinner seems a bit much and you shouldn't be pushed into this if you don't want to be.

This would be a firm no for me. How uncomfortable! You are adults and you don’t have to have reasons. Just reply and say “we feel it’s too soon so thanks but it’s not going to happen this time” don’t let her jerk your chain

I'd say no thanks. Why should you dance to her tune?

She has absolutely no rights whatsoever.

Her pushiness would make me wary.

A polite, respectful relationship whenever you do briefly meet is definitely preferable, however she does NOT get to insist on spending time with you.

She may want to but that does not mean you have to agree to it.

Honestly I would be giving him a wide berth too if he felt it appropriate to push it.

You don't need to be with someone who is afraid of saying No to his Ex.