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Original poster

Honest Relationship advice needed

15 replies

Joenlivsmom · 19/11/2021 03:14

I just typed a novel and then rewrote it more than once. What it boils down to is, when you’re a single parent and you have a decent life, how do you know when you’ve met the one and how much do you put up with because you believe they are before you just give up?

OP posts:
Nyxly · 19/11/2021 03:19

I think they aren't the one if you feel you 'have to put up' with anything.

My dp isn't perfect, but if I felt I was 'having to put' with him, he wouldn't be the one for me.

Can you explain a but more?

Yankeescot · 19/11/2021 03:27

I agree with Nyxly. If you feel as if you're having to put up with something that doesn't align with your ideals, why would you stay?

That said, it's a bloody minefield out there when dating. Do you think maybe you've been jaded by so many wankstains that this is the best of the bunch?

I feel for you. I'm FINALLY in a relationship with one of the best men I've ever known. I'm absolutely in love with him for who he is.

But I get what I think you're trying to convey. After years of dating arses I look back on the days of thinking 'well he's not as bad as Charlie the joiner with exposed ass crack' or the likes. So you may be putting up with someone who's not aligned with your values/goals. But are at the point of he was the best from the pool you had to choose from? Is that it?

Just remember that you're lovely, deserve someone to love and laugh with and be truly you with.

Original poster
Joenlivsmom · 19/11/2021 03:31

I think he puts up with me as well. It’s just that he’s so different to anyone else I’ve ever been with. He’s unaffectionate and can be a bit cold. But he’s like it with everyone. That said i think he’s my soul mate. I adore him and in his way I think he does too. It’s hard to explain without writing an essay. For me sometimes I just wonder if it will be enough. Does that make sense

OP posts:
LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 19/11/2021 03:33

My DP (&all associated baggage) meaningfully enhances and my life as a whole
We also have very similar values which helps, but this is what it boils down to.

I don't "have to put up" with bad behaviour as we both agree to a fairly specific degree on what good and bad behaviour look like. We do indulge each others foibles somewhat (him repeatedly checking locks and turning things off, me being a bit of a rusher/forgeting things) but thats it really.

When we met we weren't trying to "overcome insurmountable obstacles" hollywood movie style. There was no mad drama it was very nice and peaceful.
Thats not to say there were no issues per se, retrospecticely we have dealt with a huge amount of things (in 18 months we had a house move, 2 x big job changes, serious illness x 2, close family bereavement x3) its just we dealt with it as a team and he was willing to prioritise time with me in a balanced way with minimal fuss and vice versa.

Relationships with children are much trickier, there is less free time and if the children are dead set against it - i personally feel you need to rethink it as you are on a hiding to nothing.

Original poster
Joenlivsmom · 19/11/2021 03:36

You know you are so right. Dating is a minefield. We split up in lockdown and I tried it… blimey I’d rather be single. If I can try and explain its like we are both settling but at the same time both totally found our soul mate. It’s odd. I’m 42 and I’ve never been with anyone like him, he’s unaffectionate, cold, selfish, moany, tight and has no empathy at all. He doesn’t like going out or doing anything out of routine but that said we talk all day about everything. When we’re together we have the best time and he’s been a really positive person in my life. I’ve never felt so attached to a man and I can’t imagine being with anyone else so work that one out lol

OP posts:
Yankeescot · 19/11/2021 03:41

It sounds as if maybe you just need to meet each other where each of you are at. If you have genuine emotion for him and he for you, just meet each other there.
If one of you is more social and the other more homebody, compromise and do a bit of both.
Maybe give him a bit of time on the showing of affection. I felt that my partner wasn't very affectionate when we first got together and I'm very tactile.
About 5-6 months ago he's become almost a klingon with me regarding showing me affection. But I always met him where he was at and what he was comfortable with. He was not long out of a 22 year marriage with absolutely no intimacy and had forgotten what it was like to be desired and wanted. I'd been single for years and had just given up on dating for a few years. So I had oodles of affection to give when we got together. So I just gave it time. Especially when someone is trying to work out their new situation with kids.

Original poster
Joenlivsmom · 19/11/2021 04:05

I don’t know how to tag you so you know I’m replying but this isn’t a new relationship. It’s been 4.5 years hahaha omg. We really are dysfunctional

OP posts:
LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 19/11/2021 04:36

Right for avoidance if doubt no one in the history of the world who is in a good healthy relationship has ever said or written the following:

he’s unaffectionate, cold, selfish, moany, tight and has no empathy at all. He doesn’t like going out or doing anything out of routine he is... THE ONE. Confused

I would call time on this relationship asap esp if kids are involved.
And run, dont walk.

TheCourse · 19/11/2021 09:26

I think he puts up with me as well

That's his gubbins to be responsible for. Why does it make any difference to how you feel about him, and the relationship?

Surely it's like anything else? If it's something you don't want in the relationship, and one or both of you is doing it, then it's not the relationship you want, is it.

Peace43 · 19/11/2021 09:49

I am dysfunctional and his dysfunction matches mine. I have no intention of blending families and he is fully on board with that. I think we "put up with" one another a bit. I'm not sure I'd want to live with him full time - way too much putting up with.... but I don't think I'd want to live with anyone full time. The time we spend together is generally great and if it's a day when one of us isn't feeling it we can cry off without the other taking it personally.

He doesn't step on any of my boundaries which would be a deal breaker. He is happy to fit mostly into my child free time. When he does meet up with my child they both like each other and it's easy.

I'm not sure there's any man out there who would work better for me. Is it the Grand Passion? No! Is it a loving and comfortable relationship that meets my needs? Yes. The question for you is whether your relationship meets your needs...

WhatMattersMost · 19/11/2021 10:16

@Joenlivsmom

I think he puts up with me as well. It’s just that he’s so different to anyone else I’ve ever been with. He’s unaffectionate and can be a bit cold. But he’s like it with everyone. That said i think he’s my soul mate. I adore him and in his way I think he does too. It’s hard to explain without writing an essay. For me sometimes I just wonder if it will be enough. Does that make sense
Soul mates are not always for love and relationships: very often they're here so that we can learn something about pain, and how to break free from repeating patterns of dysfunction.

So, yes, he might be a soul mate, but maybe you need to expand your definition of what that is.

Rainbowqueeen · 19/11/2021 10:23

I don’t believe in “the one”. It’s a line spun to keep people in unhealthy relationships that are bad for them.

This guy does not sound like a long term prospect. It sounds like you have to adapt yourself to fit in with him. If that’s true then sooner or later you will start to resent him.

I think you should take some time to think about what you want and need in a relationship and then consider how this relationship fits those ideals

sunnyzweibrucken · 19/11/2021 13:33

he’s unaffectionate, cold, selfish, moany, tight and has no empathy at all. He doesn’t like going out or doing anything out of routine but that said we talk all day about everything.

This sounds like my ex (except he wasn't tight). He and I could talk for hours on end but because he was unaffectionate, lacked empathy, and was cold I couldn't connect with him intimately. He was much better as a friend. So even when we split i wanted to continue with that part of relationship because he honestly was the only person i have ever met that i could talk to like that but he wasn't good for me as a romantic partner. I always felt like something was missing. SO maybe keep him in your life as a friend but I don't know if he's a good romantic partner for you.

IncompleteSenten · 19/11/2021 13:35

If you're having to ask yourself that question then the answer is they're not 'the one' and you've already put up with more than you should.

mewkins · 19/11/2021 13:57

Are you happy?

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