Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Marriage in trouble

5 replies

relatehelp · 18/11/2021 22:13

A few weeks ago DH and I had a huge fight which has resulted in stonewalling and silence. I've thought long and hard about leaving and so has he and we have decided that is not what we want yet. Our issues are lack of communication, resentment on both sides over various issues - 2 kids both tired with demanding jobs. No cheating I'm aware of. He won't consider counselling - and to be honest I don't want to force it.

Has anyone found any tools out there that have helped them? We do need help and I think we are open to trying anything. I'm v v regular but have name changed for this.

OP posts:

Defiantly41 · 18/11/2021 22:21

Have a look atThe Secure Relationship on Instagram. Or How to do the work by Nicole LePera

But, honestly. 2 things matter - your (both of you) willingness to engage and frankly, you need help which may mean outside help such as counselling

Original poster

relatehelp · 18/11/2021 22:42

Thanks @Defiantly41 and yes I know I think we do need proper help but money is also an issue

OP posts:

LemonTT · 19/11/2021 00:04

Generally good advice is to spend more time listening to the other than trying to get them to hear you. If you both do that you will both be heard. It’s very hard to listen and digest someone else’s pov. And you don’t always have to counter what the other person has said right away or at all.

Drop the blame language. Which is any sentence that starts with “you”. Start with “I” so that you own you part and limit blame and accusations.

If you are tired and fed up, then it’s non negotiable that you find time for fresh air and exercise.

Anordinarymum · 19/11/2021 00:08

Why don't you write each other a letter?

State on it how you feel. Say what you feel is good and worth saving and say what you feel is making you feel this way. All the negatives - make a list and then talk.
Get it down on paper/email

Original poster

relatehelp · 19/11/2021 07:43

Letter is a good idea. We've agreed to sit down together later on and look at some stuff and also the I thing resonates - everything feels such a battle at the moment but I know I'm not ready to throw the towel in. It just feels like it's always me fighting for the family and I need him to start trying and to really implement some change.

OP posts:

Flip