I left him.... So why am I so devastated...?

[Bluewater1]

Been together 3 years. When it was good it was great but if we slightly disagreed it turned into lengthy text arguments and days of him refusing to see me, refusing to meet up to discuss things. He never sees things from my point of view and he rarely takes any responsibility, nearly everything is seen to be my fault and he tends not to accept my apologies. Then he told me that he never wants to live with me, not ever, because he doesn't trust I won't break up with him in the future and he's terrified he will end up homeless and in financial crisis. This is because we split up once 18 months ago for a few weeks. So I have walked away, a couple of months ago and I know that it is the right decision but I feel heartbroken, devastated and lost. All I want to do is reach out to him and try to reconnect with him but I know that is not right. I just can't understand why when my decision is sensible and right for my children and I why I would be so very upset about this. I literally feel broken when I think I should feel relieved. I wish I could turn my thoughts and feelings off and just get through this painful time. I feel so low and so very anxious

Because even when you're the one to end it, you still have to let go of the hope of what could have been. It's normal.

Be lovely to yourself for a good long while.

Is it him you're missing or being in a relationship ? Surely being on your own is better than being miserable

He sounds abusive. I think what you experienced were 'cycles of abuse' and, as a result are now trauma bonded to him, which can make it harder to get over a breakup. Do Google those terms, you may find it helpful to understand what's going on in your head. In a similar situation, I found hypnotherapy useful in changing my thought patterns and lessening the pain. Counselling of some sort would be really helpful for you I think, and definitely consider doing the Freedom programme so you can spot red flags in future relationships.

I've been there, and it's bloody hard. The pain will subside. You chose YOU and walked away. Hold your head up high and be proud of yourself.

@Takenoprisoner thank you so much. I have now read up on trauma Bonding and I definitely think that this is what is going on. It makes sense to me. It's so hard but I will keep going thank you

@Bluewater1 you're welcome. How are things with you?

@Takenoprisoner struggling tbh. Just trying to get through each day. Been in a pretty dark place but hopeful I can pull, myself out of it soon. Thanks for asking.

How are you @Bluewater1?

Hope you don't mind me checking up on you. Your post really resonated with me.

HI@Takenoprisoner thanks for thinking of me, that's really thoughtful I think I have turned a corner to be honest, last couple of days I have started to feel a bit more like myself. I have a way to go but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel now. Also, I can see how trauma bonded I was and I am starting to see him for who he was. Someone who always wanted their own way, would not compromise and called this being boundaried and would never accept responsibility or apologise. I am better off single! Thanks for asking, I appreciate it

It's hard to be broken up with but in some ways even harder when you're the one making the decision as you'll likely second guess yourself for a while as well as feeling guilt for the hurt he'll be feeling too. (that's just normal if you're a decent person) but you've made a brave decision to end something that wasn't going well for you and in time that will be your comfort.

@Bluewater1 so pleased to hear you're feeling a little better. No better feeling than feeling like oneself. Do consider doing the Freedom programme, you can do it online I think.

All the best xx