Dating him just to be polite

[Zeenas]

Met a guy at uni, not really into him and want rid. First person I've dated, so no experience and feeling trapped with him.
Hes kind and caring but im not attracted to him.
He's been letting himself go recently, keeps turning up at uni in filthy clothes, stinking of bo and dirty teeth.
Says he doesn't get time to wash. Always asks me to lend him money, I never get it back.
Lives in grotty bedsit overflowing with rubbish.
He's an embarrassment.
Think he's self neglecting due to childhood trauma but I'm only 18 and don't wanna give up my time seeing someone who finds it too much trouble to clean his teeth or wash his clothes. Want rid but in a gentle way because I think his mental health is fragile.

Just tell him you don't want to be in a relationship right now

Hi, I've been in a similar position when I was younger - it's tough.

Do you know any of his friends? Could you speak to them about how he is doing, ask them to step in and offer support? Your uni should have a mental health support team, you could reach out to them and get some information on group sessions/individual counselling he could attend - and then speak to him about it.

Sometimes I think we have to be cruel to be kind. In the long run staying with him because you don't want to hurt him is just going to hurt him more once he realises/has spent more time with you. You also need to look after yourself and if you feel like this is affecting you, you should take care of you. It's a horrible position to be in, but I'd reach out to his friends, your unis support system and be honest with him about your feelings. It really will do more damage staying for the sake of it in the long run.

Good luck xxx

Put yourself first. You don't want to date him (and neither would anyone else from the sound of it.) You're not obliged to date him or to have him in your home. Say you're not looking for a boyfriend. If he persists, you have to be firmer and say you want him to leave you alone.

If you struggle with this, have a word with someone at university and ask for their help.

Dating is not charity. ‘I’m sorry I’m not available for further dates’.

You're going to have to just rip the plaster off I'm afraid. There isn't any getting around the fact that being broken up with will hurt, but you know it's better for you both.

To me, being as gentle as possible would mean: breaking up with him in person, not via text; telling a white lie about why ("it's not you it's me", that kind of thing, not "you stink and I find you gross"); and then leaving him alone afterwards. Even if he tries to stay in touch, you have to cut the cord. After you break up you can't be his support and it's not fair to either of you if that happens.

I would also say avoid bad mouthing him to other people. That would be unkind. You're not responsible for him, just break up with him and wish him well and get on with your life.

Just say "sorry I'm not happy in this relationship any more".

You don't owe him a relationship, and his MH is not your responsibility. You're not a therapist and relationships do not cure MH issues.

If you think he might do something to himself, get in touch with the pastoral care services at uni and tell them you're breaking up with him but you're concerned about his wellbeing. He needs professional help more than he needs you.