My DH is ill and I am struggling

[JimLaheysWhiskeyBottle]

This is my very first thread, so please be gentle. Mid thirties mum of two, full time job etc and we live abroad away from family.
My husband has a diagnosis of bipolar, (I have added to threads a few times about him).

We’ve been together over 20 years and had lots of ups and lots of downs. The last 3 years have been rough, his mental health has not being good. Currently he is receiving treatment (the treatment and care here is absolutely outstanding and I am very aware of how lucky we are for this). He is also due to be voluntary admitted later next week for two weeks as he is not in a good place at the moment.

Now is the point where I feel like an utterly shit person. The last 3 years have been brutal. My DC2 was born whilst DH was on a very long sick leave. I have done 100% night feeds, appointments, care, baths, bedtimes. A lot of this is due to side effects of medication, but it has made me feel taken for granted.

I have 100% of the mental load as well as food prep, cleaning and all the other stuff that goes along with family life.

I feel that over the last 3 years he has slowly become more and more selfish. It feels like his needs and happened are so much more important than mine. Yet, at the moment they are, he has a very real risk of harm.

It’s my birthday on Sunday and i know for absolute certainty that he has forgotten, despite the fact that we have been together for 22 years. I know he has forgotten as i have access to the finances at the moment due to his risk taking behaviour whilst he is manic. I realise that it sounds precious to be bothered about my birthday, especially as he has all of his health issues at the moment, but he is perfectly ok to text me a list of his xmas present wishes.

When he eventually realises he has forgotten, he will be devastated, but part of me doesn’t want to remind him. Not to be game playing, but almost as confirmation to myself as to how little i actually matter.

I don’t really know what i am asking here. Maybe i need some sense talking to me, he is seriously ill, yet here i am acting like a dick.

You are right.

You need to consider why you keep putting him first.

I’ve struggled with mental illness all my life. Can’t even work anymore.

Never forgotten anyone’s birthday.

@Bonheurdupasse

You are right.

You need to consider why you keep putting him first.

Completely agree.

That sounds like such a difficult situation. I am in the process of leaving my "DH" due to him checking out of our marriage and not having any involvement with DD's upbringing. I too carry all the mental load and work and just came to the conclusion that he is adding nothing to my daily life so why keep him around if that makes sense? I am not sure how I would feel if my "DH" was ill and only you know how you feel. Is he likely to get better or is he on medication to help him function?

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

I’ve struggled with mental illness all my life. Can’t even work anymore.

Never forgotten anyone’s birthday.

Not all mental illness is the same. I work in mh and lots of my clients wouldn't remember birthdays in crisis periods.

You're not acting like a dick. Mental health issues are so hard for everyone, just as much you as him.

As soon as he is up to it you need family therapy to be able to voice your frustrations and redress the balance in the relationship. Good luck op - for what it’s worth I am married to a bipolar man and most if the time we are good -just odd blips but this is after significant help and therapy - education and medication.

It’s my birthday on Sunday and i know for absolute certainty that he has forgotten,

Do you not talk about these things? Irrespective of him being unwell, it's normal to discuss upcoming events.

part of me doesn’t want to remind him. Not to be game playing, but almost as confirmation to myself as to how little i actually matter.

This is game playing though? What you mean to him doesn't balance in his memory skills.

Thank you for the responses, Even though some of them are difficult to read.

Communication is difficult at the moment due to his mental health being so fragile. I feel absolutely stuck. If i discuss these things, there is a very real risk of self harm.

I suppose I’m struggling with how to separate the percieved «selfishness» i feel he shows and the fact that he has a serious illness. Plus the fact that I constantly feel like a terrible person to feel this.

I think the last 3 years have been so difficult that maybe I’m just a bit tired of it all.

I am so, so sorry.. I have a darling friend in the same position. I have known him since I was five, and when I met his girlfriend and saw how happy he was, it was such a joy! When they became engaged, he put me on speakerphone with his mum. We all cried tears of joy. He and his girlfriend were together about four years before they were married. He didn’t have much to do with her family prior to the wedding despite living in the same town, and she was on the one to them all the time. After the wedding, his wife’s personality changed very quickly and in a very bad way. She was paranoid and began locking herself into their home, refusing to go to work, etc… She stopped eating, drinking, sleeping, lost a lot of weight that she couldn’t afford to lose. When he finally convinced her to see a doctor, it all came out that she (and her family) had kept her diagnosis (schizophrenia) a secret from him until well after they were married. She is a very well-educated, artistically talented woman who has quickly changed from being adventurous and passionate - engaged in art, life, friendships, music, teaching and politics. In a short period of time she became so shut off from all of that and dependent on him for all kinds of sustenance (physical, mental, nutritional, hygienic, etc) and resenting him at the same time, that he has entirely lost sight of who he was, let alone who she was prior to this. Neither of them like each other anymore, let alone themselves, and he is grateful that they have no kids - which breaks his heart also.

He can’t bring himself to leave her, and yet feels like he’s been sold a lie by her parents and her.

Heartbreaking all around.

Meanwhile… Devil’s advocate.

My brother has Borderline Personality Disorder. Since my parents are now deceased, he assumed that it would be my job to take over from them and make myself available at all hours of the day to sort him out, be on the phone while he processes every thought as it burbles up from the stream of drugged up consciousness and out through his mouth, and accept any abuse he hurls my way because it may not suit me to have phone calls that wake my kids at 4am and talk about car choices and dreams, etc. Of course now that I am nc with him, he is affecting other people, and he has become “Poor D” because they don’t want to put up with that shit either and they want to push it back at me.

If you look at MH funding, after WW1 & WW11 there were lots of “convalescent homes” and smaller hospitals and asylums for people to convalesce following admissions for acute MH illness. There is nothing like that now. Not only that, but there are fewer MH beds available in fewer MH hospitals. Waiting lists for any kind of MH help are ridiculously long and when you think that if statistically speaking MH needs haven’t really changed over time, but the population has actually increased exponentially since then, you can actually see how bloody underfunded that section is.
There is virtually no help available. What help there is is virtually shit.
You are
Not a dick. You exhausted and rightfully so. You didn’t sign up for this. While you DH may not have wished this on himself, you may have to accept that looking after his needs is eclipsing your needs and those of your child’s. It is not being a dick yourself.

It really is so hard to be in a relationship who has any severe health issue. IMHO mental health issues are probably the worst situation, as so many people don't understand what the patient is going through or what happens to the family.
I think you need to speak to a professional about this rather than people on Mumsnet. If his meds are making him forgetful, can those be adjusted? Can you find/get some support from an organization, perhaps contact MIND for signposting? There is also Bipolar UK who might be able to offer support.

Has he always tended towards selfishness anyway - does it feel more like a personality trait?

If you remind him and he then gets you something, you'll still be annoyed, right? I'd suggest not reminding him unless it comes up naturally, but then trying to restrict yourself to a deep sigh of resignation rather than adding it to a mental list of annoyances that you have to keep tending, as that's stressful in itself.

What is DD /DH ?

Look, I don't want to say you are being unreasonable, just because I know how tough this is, so you know, you feel like you feel and it is ok.

But, one of the people I love the most in the world and to whom I am very, very close has a diagnosis of schizophrenia. It has been very difficult for them, and everybody around them, too.

They also forget things, a lot. Birthdays, special events, or little things, like saying they have bought a present for me and they will bring it over soon, and then they never do. It hurts, of course, and it makes you doubt if they care or not.

But the thing is, I know this person loves me very much, and in fact, that I am one of the most important people in their life. It is their cognitive function that is affected, not their love for me.

Now, of course, I don't know if this is true in your case or not, but it is worth considering? of course, it is still very difficult, practically and emotionally to support your DH, regardless of whether you feel sure of his love or not. But maybe separating the two issues will help you think more clearly about what you want to do.

Oh OP this sounds difficult for all involved
If i was you I'd be inclined to ask him if he is up for a Meal, Walk or something similar for your Birthday Sunday, just a gentle reminder

Hope your DH and You get the help you need

Happy Birthday

@lisophil www.mumsnet.com/i/acronyms

@JimLaheysWhiskeyBottle

This sounds a really shit situation to be in and I feel for you.

I think it is perfectly ok to say you are struggling and that you need some time for yourself. Just because your DH is ill doesn't mean you don't matter.

Maybe you should consider if your mental health can cope with staying in this relationship.

From what you say you have two small children to consider here. What sort of effect is living with your DH having on them? And what happens to them if you go under and have a nervous breakdown? Clearly their dad won't be in any position to look after them. You need to stay sane and healthy for them.

You have put your DH's needs first for a long time and understandably you are now drained. There is only so much a person can put up with. It is OK to now put your own needs and those of your children first.

Not much to add aside from a few ideas and acknolwedging that sounds as if you have indeed had a very rough ride.

That is aside from the extra thing of Covid, lock downs, fear in background etc. It's had an effect on everybody. And that's without trying to cope with kids and someone who sounds near suicidal.

It's such an easy thing to say 'do something for yourself
but I find much harder to do.

Better to break it down into a kind of 'habit stacking' thing. (google it)

Find the things that help in your situation and then expand on that.

Try Rethink mental illness or mind (or phone them to find out places that might support partners/carers

Sounds like you are a carer effectively so that might be one avenue Carers Uk? Have you thought about having a carers assessment done? There are few resources it is true around but in previous relationship they gave me a cleaner for a few hours a week. And I attended a carers support group which helped.

If you need to talk on the phone find organisations you can sound off to.

Thank you very much for all of the incredible replies, that people have taken the time to respond means the world to me.

I live in Norway, so unfortunately am not able to access UK support. We are very lucky that the psychiatric support here is outstanding. Currently DH sees his psychiatrist twice a week whilst we await inpatient treatment. He has so far agreed to this, but whether he goes through with it remains to be seen.

I’m becoming increasingly conflicted as to where the boundaries of his personality and his illness are. He can be forgetful with his medication, so i do it. Yet I can be blamed if i forget, fair enough. He has so far in the last month remembered his mum’s birthday, fathers day (its in november here) and his friends birthday, both of which are 7 days before mine. We have been together since we were 15 and we are now 37, 38. I don’t like how I can hear the resentment when i read what I have written. And then feel like a terrible person because he has a debilitating illness.

I think i feel invisible. A bit like some sort of fascilitator, like a vacuum cleaner.

Apologies for writing a lot, i don’t really talk about this with anyone.

It sounds very tough OP. You need to mind your own mental health as well. You are carrying everything for three other people right now.
Can you join a dedicated and regular support group either in person or online?

I think the suggestion from one of the other posters of gently mentioning your birthday is a good idea. It's important for you and also that your children see these occasions marked and celebrated.

And then I think the family therapy is a good idea. Your DH sounds like he just expects now that you will do things so he doesn't have to - that can't be sustainable and hopefully when he's an inpatient he will get well enough to come out and function more independently of you and also that you get a break.

Wishing you well.

I have bipolar and am lucky to be stable due to medication, I don't have (or at least haven't had for a few years) flare up episodes thank goodness.

Even as someone with the same diagnosis as him I plead with you to remember this - one person's mental health doesnt trump that of another person's.

Him being bipolar doesn't mean that you should be able to magically cope with being last on the list all the time, taking 100% of the mental load and feeling increasingly unwell yourself.

It is not up to you to make yourself smaller at the times his symptoms get bigger, to accommodate him into your shared life.

While it's sad and difficult for him, that doesn't lessen the impact on you at all. It must be utterly exhausting and those disappointments (like forgetting a birthday etc) add up to death by a thousand papercuts.

You aren't an awful person if you have simply reached your limits when it comes to what you can cope with. If someone's diagnosed mental health issues are impacting your own mental health, it doesn't mean that impact is something you should dismiss.

It's your life too

It is unfortunate that your dh is suffering so much. however you shouldn't have to loose yourself because of it.

Sometimes we need to know when to step back. Of course be supportive but if that support becomes you carrying everything even if that means you suffer as a consequence then IT IS OKAY TO PUT YOURSELF FIRST.

Your dh does not deserve his mental health.

Just as much as you dont deserve a half life with forgotten birthdays, no family feeling unit. His mental health should NOT consume everything.

It is a fine line but its understanding that difference and actually implementing it that will make the world of a difference to you op.

You matter too.

Up until where you said he has remembered other people's birthdays this month, I was going to say just mention it's your birthday this weekend, otherwise it's cutting your nose off to spite your face.

And maybe that's still the case, but it does sound like he's stopped "seeing" you.

I'm not sure what to advise. Go away with the kids for a weekend, get a break from all this? Can't his family give you some respite?

Just even reading your posts makes me feel exhausted

Your marriage sounds a one way street. Having MH problems doesn't absolve you from every level of responsibility when you have a family.

Tell him it's your birthday. And start making yourself an exit plan, even if you don't take it right now. Having an escape route can often make the hardest journeys more tolerable

Sorry OP, I hadn't realized that you were in Norway.