Mums dying, do I keep the secret?

[smurffette]

Ok, I need help please. I’m a mess and I don’t know where else to turn for advice. I’ve found out my mum is Terminally Ill with (at best) a couple of years left. I’m devastated. My Mum and I are very close. I’ve two children under 5 who adore their Nan and, as she lives 10 mins away they’ve seen her almost every week (at least), since Birth.

• [x] Ive has a rough childhood, I left home and lived in in temporary accommodation when I was 15/16. For many reasons including the fact I wasn’t keen on my mums new bf who was 30 (10 years younger than my mum) who had moves in with us.
• [ ] I Had some terrible experiences during the time in these temporary places, Some are quite I believable. To say I’m damaged is an understatement. Anyway. To try and cut a long and awful story short. I finally got a more permanent home when I was 16, I avoided my mum and goimg home as much as I could however, I still was in contact with them anyway. FAST FW a few years and I get a buzz on my buzzer while I’m in the bath and it was my mums partner. My heart sank but I remembered what my mum has said “he’s upset that you never answer his calls” and so I said to myself “ok, for her I’ll let him in” he has obv had a few drinks and I wondered what was going on. He processed to tell me he and my mum had split up. He was acting very weird. I felt uncomfortable and so everything went downhill and I was feeling so awkward. I tried to change the subject. Remember Im still in a effing towl. He asked if I wanted a Massage I’m not going to go into anymore detail now just skip to the main point. He asked for a kiss (he was going to go I thought) so I gave him one (they kiss on the lips where he’s from I was always told ) I was never comfortable with that and refused to do it but this time he went in with lips but I obliged as I wanted him the hell out. Its was a split second, quick but never the less bloody horrible, he asks for another. I just want him to leave and so I did and he stuck his tongue in my mouth at this point I jumped up and started screaming “what the hell are you doing” “get the f*k out” “NOW” I kept saying over and over. He left quickly. I called my mum in pieces. Told her why. Basically I was never believed. The turmoil went on for months It was brushed under the carpet and it caused me to “loose it” I stared drinking lots and talking drugs I was broken hearted. No one to help me. At all. God knows what the conversation was but I’m sure it’s something like. She lied but let’s just, for her sake forget it.. I eventually learned to live with it seeimg them both regularly, Pushing iit to the back of my mind and pretend it didn’t happen. That’s was over 25 years ago now. Theres not a week that goes by that I never think about it/ dream about it or cry about. The frustration and disbelief that my mum didn’t believe me haunts me to this day.

Do I bring it up and sort this once and for all… I don’t know if she believed me and brushed it under the carpet or didn’t believe or what. Iva had to live with this pain for so long now. I feel selfish the thought of clearing this now while she’s terminally ill but I don’t think I’ll see him again when she’s gone unless this is sorted (we planned to move away from it all before we found out) Ill have no reason to put myself through it any more. Then there’s the kids he loves and I feel bad but damn it… don’t I deserve to have a happy life? He is set to inherit everything really… They’re also about to marry to make it all easier and avoid taxes etc which makes me want to bring this up more so she can make her will with all the REAL FACTS.

I'm sorry I don't have good advice but didn't want to read and run. Really sorry you have had such a rough time and you now have the burden of this decision.
Try to choose the way forward that creates the happiest outcomes, if possible.
I would say you should be cautious of doing/saying something now just because you wished you had dealt with it years ago. Maybe you missed the moment. But much depends on how unwell your munis, and what your mum can cope with her current state.
I know you're close to her now but clearly there have been issues with her especially in your teens. Look after yourself as first priority. Your life has taught you that no one will do that for you, not even her I'm sorry to say.
Good luck

She knows he did it. She has always known.

Smurfette you have had a very toxic childhood and have toxic relationship with your mother and partner. Because of this your boundaries were completely battered down and you just accepted this.

What happened wasn't normal or OK.

Its not OK that your mother didn't support you when this happened.

Its not OK that this man now has a close relationship with your kids and you feel in some way guilty if they dont have a relationship with him.

You need to speak to a councillor to help you get all this in perspective.

I wouldn't bother bringing it up with your mother now. I would start pulling yourself away from the whole situation. You do not owe anything to either of these people.

What makes you feel any more likely to be believed now? He's still on the scene and will still get to your mum and convince her he doesn't know what you are talking about. I think probably best to let it go for now then cut him out of your lives once your mum passes. Or just tell her you weren't lying about it, you're devastated she didn't believe you and walk away from both of them now.

Honestly I wouldn't be comfortable with my children being around this man, especially if girls and once they reach teen years. He tried to push you into having sexual contact you did not want. He doesn't deserve to be a grandfather to your DC. I would definitely go NC once your mum is gone. With telling your mum, again, I can't see a clear answer. Ultimately you can't make her believe you. Given her behaviour I think you need to consider what is best for you, neither of them deserve your consideration. Would it be worse to never try and be heard again or to go through the same as you did last time and then either try and stuff it back down or have to go NC. The good outcome would be, belief and acceptance, ultimately people rarely change. Is the risk of ending up going through the same emotions as last time worth the maybe slim chance of gaining that belief and acceptance? No one can answer that but you.

You deserve to be happy OP. You don't need to give up your happiness for a woman who refused to believe in you. You deserve better than how your mum has treated you.

Thank you for all your messages. I'm really struggling with this. I feel bad for him and my Boys if I don't see him again... I see my mum often but stay away from the house as much as poss. Still, every birthday, Xmas and special occasion I have to see him. But this has tortured me for two decades and I want her to go knowing I'd never have lied to her.
I'm ending up the bad one for letting it go for her happiness.

One of you said "she knows" my partner thinks the same - she knows deep down, but she's deluded. She's a wonderful woman this is all so sad.

Seems like I may just have to take it on the chin and spend my last days with her in his company too. Makes me so sad

Oh Babe… first you need to know that I believe you. I am absolutely sure that everyone here does too. There are so many women here who have been betrayed by mothers who choose to believe the lies told by the men in their lives instead of the children they’re supposed to love and protect. Please don’t think that this is a you problem this is them. He is a grub, and she is desperate enough to choose to think she can’t do any better. Let them live with their lives and their consciences. You know the truth.

OP - I am sorry you are feeling this way and have been affected for so long.
However - looking at this as an outsider and without emotional involvement that you have - I don’t think there is anything at all to be gained by raising it with your mom in the condition she is in. Nothing. Only spreading
more pain around.
You will not achieve anything. You will not feel any better. Your mother is dealing with the end of life phase, possibly upcoming pain and suffering - and you want to pile up on top of that and admission that she was a selfish mother and put her happiness with her partner over your happiness?
Because this is what you are essentially hoping to get out of her.
Despite this being that actual fact - it is still cruel to do it to her now. And, frankly - selfish of you.

You have over the past 25 years chosen to keep in touch and forget the kissing incident. Now isn’t the time to bring it up. Statue of limitation on that has past a long time ago.
And for your sake - you need to find some sort of counselling to deal with it - because this has done enough damage in your life and you do need to get past it. It is possible.

Obviously - after she dies you don’t have any reason to keep in touch with him. If he actually has been a good GF figure to your boys - and you do move away - you can then chose what you do. See what the kids want - maybe an occasional card/present from him will be OK. But none of that needs to be decided now.
For now - I’d focus on the important thjngs - and it’s helping your mom go through these difficult months. It is about her now.

I can't believe you would feel bad for that man if you don't see him again? Despite him trying it on with you behind your mother's back? You're had a number done on you, haven't you!
You are worth so much more than this!
Your mother failed you miserably. There isn't much point telling her she didn't care in the past and she won't now.

As for your children seeing their step-grandfather, I wouldn't see him again after your mother dies. And when they are older if they ask why, tell them. They will understand.

I don’t think it would be selfish. Your dm and her partner have made terrible decisions that blighted your life. You would be giving her another chance.

What I think you need to consider is whether you can handle the outcome of speaking about this (or not speaking about this). You have no control over her response, and it could go either way.

Do you have access to a good counsellor? No matter what course you choose now you are going to need support. Don’t try and handle this alone.

Sorry OP but your mother is not a ‘wonderful woman’. Not by any stretch of the imagination

I don't have an answer for you really. Your conflicted feelings on this are entirely understandable. Your Mum made a poor decision not to support you all those years back. The real villain here is her creepy partner, no decent person does what he did.
We can't always get closure on difficult issues from the people who have let us down and maybe the current closeness you have with her is a form of contrition on her part. It sounds like she has tried to be a good Mum and GP in recent years.
If you speak with your Mum now, you may get the resolution you want or you might just hurt yourself and your Mum all over again. If you decide not to speak with her, then I would seriously consider speaking with someone as this will impact on how you later deal with your feelings.
Terminal illnesses have a way of bringing feelings into very sharp focus. I am NC with one relative and LC with my Dad following their crappy behaviour when my own mum was dying. (My parents had been divorced for many years at this point). I hope you find peace whatever you decide to do.
I would say, from experience, that forgiving someone does lessen the power that hurt has had for you. Doesn't mean that you pretend it didn't happen but you free yourself.

Honestly it isn't worth it, in my opinion.
However, you have a couple of years where you could work on boundaries and resolution with a counsellor which would prepare you for managing emotions over the next few years.

As an observer it is clear to me that she is not a wonderful woman. She chose to put a boyfriend ahead of her daughter, allowed her daughter to go through hell over a sustained time, didn't believe her daughter, allowed her daughter to be abused.

If she is nice and helpful now, it is only a behaviour designed to keep you with her, not for your benefit at all. She still lives with your abuser.

Seek counselling. Perhaps the freedom programme would help.

This is a very unhealthy situation.

I'm actually upset on your behalf.

This isn't a secret to keep or tell, it's a whole 'wrong' situation.

Have you had therapy? Are you in weekly counselling? You need support. You deserve help. You will need help to get through this

She isn't wonderful; she is going out of her way to make it easier for him to inherit everything when she could give you and your children a helping hand for once.

I would tell her. Put it like this:

"I have never lied to you. Everything I have told you was the truth."

You don't need to explain what you mean, she will know.

@nocnoc

Have you had therapy? Are you in weekly counselling? You need support. You deserve help. You will need help to get through this

I hadn't ever thought about it. I learnt to livewith it all at the detriment of my mental health unfortunately but after reading all the comments suggesting it I shall look into it at once. If there's any time I imagine I'll really need it itd be now.

@picklemewalnuts

I'm actually upset on your behalf.

This isn't a secret to keep or tell, it's a whole 'wrong' situation.

Thank you. I'm so very confused. I'm seeking a counsellor at the moment thanks to all the advice here