Anxiety or divine intervention?!

[JSD1987]

Hi everyone, I have only ever posted here once before on a topic I thought some might find ridiculous & got some really useful & reassuring feedback so thought I might try again.

I was raised in a very religious family, I won't say the denomination but it is a sect of Christianity & considered a cult in some places. I stopped attending church when I was in my late teens. I have always claimed to be agnostic but because of my upbringing, I've never been able to shake the idea that God is watching/judging me and either rewarding/punishing me for everything I do.

I'm currently 34 and have been single for a few years since my last longterm relationship broke down. A combination of lockdown, needing time to process and some frankly OLD experiences, I haven't found a partner as quickly as I would have liked and my anxiety about running out of time to have a family has gone into overdrive. It consumes my thoughts and it isn't unusual for me to be in tears before I've left my bed most days. I'm exhausted. Yesterday, my anxiety was particularly bad and I was in floods of tears. I'm not sure what made me do it but in my mind I prayed, "God I can't do this anymore if you're there, please send me the specific words 'it is going to happen' or 'it isn't going to happen' so I can stop worrying."

Later, I went to visit a relative and I'd actually forgotten about the prayer I'd said until whilst taking about something else she used the words, "it's not gonna happen," during a conversation. She's extremely religious and is currently making plans to go live in the country as she believes the end of days are coming (as many of my family do) and she also told me I need to rejoin the church and ask God to prove himself to me to relieve me of my skepticism. She didnt know about the prayer I'd said earlier. Since then, I've not been able to stop crying as I'm convinced this was a sign from God and I'm not going to have the family I want so much.

I can appreciate this must all sound mad, particularly if you weren't raised in a religious household but I'm wondering if anyone who was or is a practising Christian if that is how God works/ answers prayers or is my anxiety making me see things that aren't there?

I'm not religious in anyway shape or form, but I'm fairly sure people who've asked for a sign very rarely get it.

I can't comment on the religious aspect, so feel free to ignore if you think this is irrelevant, but I personally find that when I am anxious, I am more likely to fall prey to superstitious beliefs. I think this is quite a common experience. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/there-is-always-another-part/201712/superstition-quirky-beliefs-or-psychopathology

In my view, it doesn’t really matter either way. It’s still either going to happen or not going to happen - the only difference is how you feel about it as it’s obviously awful to be wracked with anxiety over it. I’m not religious and I have no belief in ‘signs’ or anything of that nature, but I think anything that powers belief in yourself is a good thing. Saying that, you can’t expect anything to land in your lap without effort, so don’t stop putting yourself out there, taking breathers when you need to. I know it’s hard and demoralising.

Scientifically, at 34, are the odds in your favour of finding someone and having a family? Yes they are.

[quote ravenmum]I can't comment on the religious aspect, so feel free to ignore if you think this is irrelevant, but I personally find that when I am anxious, I am more likely to fall prey to superstitious beliefs. I think this is quite a common experience. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/there-is-always-another-part/201712/superstition-quirky-beliefs-or-psychopathology[/quote]
This is very insightful and an insightful article. I’m not religious nor was I brought up in a religious family, but I do have (and have always had) anxiety and OCD. It manifests itself through anxiety about “signs”.

CBT really helped me, this might be an Avenue for you @JSD1987. But whatever you do to cope with these feelings, do know that the universe doesn’t reveal itself like this, it’s all just superstition.

Signs can be anything you make of them she said something wasn't going to happen maybe that means not in the way you hope so pinning your hopes on a good man relationship and babies isn't going to happen maybe single life donated sperm baby would happen maybe foster care or adoption would happen maybe you won't get married etc etc

You have to rid yourself of the mindset that this is all you need for happiness because happiness isn't a fairy-tale

@ravenmum This was really helpful & I think it is relevant to what's happening here, thank you x

@Theunamedcat I'm aware of those options and I'm open to them. I don't believe happiness is a fairytale, I'm understandably concerned about something that is important to me and somewhat out of my control.

@TrampolineForMrKite "CBT really helped me, this might be an Avenue for you @JSD1987. But whatever you do to cope with these feelings, do know that the universe doesn’t reveal itself like this, it’s all just superstition."

Thank you for this. I have had CBT in the past for an unrelated issue but it may be a good idea to restart. Deep down I think I know this is anxiety fuelled but I've had no sleep and I'm struggling to think rationally.

Like Didimum, not being religious I just see "signs" when anxious - the wrong number of magpies is a favourite! I had some treatment for depression a few years back now, and that behaviour went away, which helped me recognise it for what it really was. Now if I see a "sign" I can give myself a mental clip on the ear and tell myself to stop it. That is, not even begin to entertain the idea.
With the full force of a religion behind this belief I can imagine it would be harder to shake. Perhaps it would help to think of this as an unhealthy superstition that is not what religion is about at all? Religion is surely about love, support, being kind to one another? Not a divine entity deliberately making you cry by using another human being as a living telephone call and telling you that you should give up hope? If there is a god I'd hope they had better things to do with their time.

I'm Catholic and I have had things happen which I would consider to be signs and not always at the most anxious times of my life.
However, this was slightly difference in your case as you asked God to say whether it was going to happen or not and then heard the words "It's not gonna happen" from your relative and then connected the two. "It's not gonna happen" is something that people say very often in conversation and I really don't think that was a direct message from God.

Please do not rejoin this sect/cult. It sounds like it's on the extreme end of the religious spectrum with talk of the end of days and going to live in the country etc.
You would be much better advised to seek medical help for your anxiety - CBT for example. Go to your GP to ask advice if necessary.

If you do feel the need for religious support in your life - if the belief in God is still there, if you feel that prayer would help - perhaps (in addition to any therapy) go along to a different Christian church where there's a warm, inviting community.

@ravenmum "Not a divine entity deliberately making you cry by using another human being as a living telephone call and telling you that you should give up hope? If there is a god I'd hope they had better things to do with their time."

Hehe, this has actually cheered me up. Seeing it, written like that, it sounds ridiculous! I'm definitely going to look into ways to address my anxiety as it's obviously gotten out of hand. I haven't laughed all week so thank you for that!

@fumfspos Thank you for replying, it's good to get a religious perspective. I'm definitely going to seek some kind of therapy/ counselling. Absolutely no chance of rejoining my family's religion, its caused me many more issues in addition.

If its a particularly culty church, rejoining won't help your anxiety. I'd recommend staying away from people who think the world is ending.

'Ive never been able to shake the idea that God is watching/judging me and either rewarding/punishing me for everything I do.' This feels like a hefty weight to live under. I have really questioned my faith over the last few years and had to confront my own thoughts on exactly what you describe here. I suppose the bottom line is that we must make up our own minds about these things, I am truly wary of attaching too much weight on situations like the one you describe though, I agree with the idea that if God did exist why would he prioritise you and your situation with everything else that is currently occurring in the world (murder, rape, child abuse, Boris Johnson etc) I appreciate we all want to feel special but there is something incredibly egotistic about the idea that God is leaving us signs. That's just my thoughts though. Sorry if it sounds offensive.

@coffeeisthebest No it doesn't sound offensive, it's a fair enough thing to say. I think I was in such a heightened state of anxiety that all logic went out of the window. I'm still not sure whether God exists but if he does I agree that he's probably got bigger fish to fry than helping me sort out my life! Also, lol at the Boris Johnson reference!

Sorry I couldn't resist a BJ mention...for me it's about a balance around my life is important and so is everyone else's. So no one person's life can or is being directed by a higher being, we just live in a way that we must accept that we make endless choices and we have to accept the consequences of those choices and then also random things happen that can pop out of nowhere. So in my opinion there is no big plan. There is the daily choice to live in compassion, equality, love and to accept the darker side of human nature which we all have but to choose where we align in out daily choices. Expecting anyone or anything outside us to make these choices for us is, in my humble opinion, to live in a childlike passive state. But we are constantly bombarded with the idea that someone else knows more than us, and in some circumstances this is true but when it comes to our beliefs and values then this has to be a personal choice.

I was brought up in a faith expected to attend church every Sunday
Ironically it was opposite the road where I lived as a child and a few times when I was going out with my late parents the pastor would come over to see where I was
My late F was a chaplain at one point,later became an atheist. My DM always believed,I stopped believing at 15. It's a belief not a fact
Never had any proof,her dying in agony. Also can see "signs" when I need to.