Abuse of power/ Power imbalance

[Holeemolee]

I recently called women's aid for some advice after feeling trapped for some time in my relationship. I was very clear to them that I'm not in an abusive relationship but a very unhappy one. I gave some details and they provided a further number, which turned out to be a charity for providing emotional support for women in abusive relationships.

I explained that I'd been given their number but wasnt sure why. I gave them the details of my situation and they said that yes, I was calling the right place.

I'm a bit stumped. I'd never thought of my relationship as abusive, just unhappy. The said there is a clear power imbalance going on which equates to abuse.

The details are that we have never married, despite it being the plan right from the beginning when we fell pregnant by surprise. He has moved those goal posts now for 8 years, I gave DC his surname based on our plans to marry. It never happened.

He didn't pull his weight at home and I became mentally ill after returning to work FT, juggling all the plates. I went PT . My pension has suffered, but because we're not married, I can never claim any of his on separation.

He has neglected out relationship for years but refuses to leave (he has somewhere to go and I don't). I have told him in the last month that after Christmas I am leaving him for definite. He has now said that he's going to fight for 50/50 custody despite him never doing any school drop offs or pick ups (I do them all), despite him just not being interested in family life.

The charity have said that as he's making things difficult for me to leave him, move on with my life this is abusive and he's trying to take power over me.

I feel a bit of a fraud having help from this charity. He's a dick, but I'm not sure this constitutes abuse. Or does it?

Personally I dont think it sounds like hes abusive given that information.
He sounds like a selfish, uncaring and unengaged partner you should definitely be leaving though.
He wont fight for 50/50 custody I guarantee you. That's just something dickheads say to make you doubt.
Why do you need to wait until after Christmas?
Do you rent or own the house?

Re the 50/50, it's a typical tool in an abusers arsenal to keep you from leaving. Tell him, you've thought about 50/50 and think it's a great idea as it will give you the opportunity to go back to work FT, you can restart some hobbies, catch up with friends etc. so yes you agree it's a great idea, so let's talk about how we split it. He can start now if he likes and take over half of the school runs so he's used to it when you no longer live together.

He doesn't want that and it will never happen, he's using your fear of it to control you

Is his name on the birth certificate ?
Abuse can take many forms. Mental and psychological abuse can be subtle and is very damaging, not only for you but your child as well.

Do you have any family you can move in with, even on a temporary basis ?

Like a PP said he sounds more of a dickhead than an abuser.

Having said that if the charity are offering to help you it's kind of up to you to decide whether to take that help or not.

@WickedWitchOfTheTrent

Re the 50/50, it's a typical tool in an abusers arsenal to keep you from leaving. Tell him, you've thought about 50/50 and think it's a great idea as it will give you the opportunity to go back to work FT, you can restart some hobbies, catch up with friends etc. so yes you agree it's a great idea, so let's talk about how we split it. He can start now if he likes and take over half of the school runs so he's used to it when you no longer live together.

He doesn't want that and it will never happen, he's using your fear of it to control you

THIS! Don't feel a fraud, you're unhappy & feeling trapped with a selfish, uncaring partner, accept the offer of help from the charity, they wouldn't have accepted you if they didn't think you needed help or were a fraud. Today is the first day of the rest of your life, grab it with both hands, accept all the help you can get & move on, drop that loser, good luck op ❤️

As PPs have said, agree on the 50/50 and tell him that also means he has to pay child maintenance which is great as it will take the pressure off you financially.

The key to dealing with abusers is they find your weak spot and focus on that. Here, it is your fear of him having access to your child.
You need to take that power back by pushing responsibility on him.
Agree with him and you take some of that power away from him because it’s all a mind game to him.

Unfortunately, if one tactic doesn’t work he may step up to the next level so you do need to be careful and keep you’re self and dc safe.

Don’t wait until after Christmas.
Leave then ask him how he’s going to contribute to care of dc.

Don't tell him your plans, just act.

Let the charity make the decision if they want to help you. You've been honest about your circumstances and have told them (I think) that you don't agree that you're in an abusive relationship. They clearly still want to help you regardless, so let them them.

The custody threat he made is one that many, many people do when they're desperate or things are close to separation. Most parents who love their children would fight for 50/50 and I don't think that's abusive. In his case though, it's most likely a load of nonsense. I wonder what he would say if you actually shrugged your shoulders, agreed, and started to calmly discuss how it would work between you. You could start discussing which days of the week you both could have them. You never know, he might step-up in his involvement......but it's more likely that he won't. Even if he starts 50/50 it might end up in your favour in the end anyway as he grows weary of shouldering 50% of the childcare. It's not right that people use children as a weapon in disputes like this.

Based on what you have posted he has pulled some dick moves. By reneging on promises to marry and not being supportive.

But he is not abusing power. He’s entitled to not want to marry you. Breach of promise is no longer a thing. He’s entitled to want 50/50. He’s entitled to stay in the house until you decide to sell or a court makes an order. He is asserting his rights and that’s what people are allowed to do.

He might not succeed in gaining 50/50. You might be able to secure a court order allowing you to remain in the house based on your child’s needs.

Abuse does strip people of agency and it is hard for those people to find it again.

But you have been used not abused. You still have agency and need to use that to asset what you want and can achieve. It just won’t be delivered by him.

Absolutely abusive.

Stop talking and get organised to get out.