OLD Would you tell a fib?

[DatingFail]

I've given online dating a try recently. I'm far from impressed. Pervy messages from dodgy looking men who look way older than their profile states.
My preferences are set to people around my own age (mid 40's). I had hoped that men in my age bracket would be more mature and not just looking for a quick bang. I was wrong!

I dont want to change my age bracket, but i'm wondering if my age might be offputting to some men if they're slightly younger than me, I look younger than I am, could probably get away with mid 30's. If they're all just as immature anyway, i'd prefer to chat to someone who doesn't look like a nasty man i'd avoid at bus stops.

I realise this may sound shallow, i'm absolutely not, i'm not asking for model looks, just a nice friendly face and a normal personality somewhere between 35-55. Would it be terrible to knock a few years off my age with the aim of attracting someone who isn't a dirty old man? I know lying isn't the way to go, it's not a good start and I can't bear liars myself so really it would go against everything I believe in but i'm fed up with message after message from sleazy guys. It's all I seem to attract, my pictures aren't sexy or revealing, so that's not the problem.

Or am I in denial and that's all there is left?

If the situation was reversed would you be happy to find out they'd lied about their age from the start?

I’m not sure how saying you’re mid-30s will stop the issue of pervs? I don’t see how that will get you what you want. When I was OLD in my 20s I’d get pervs from all ages contacting me.

No I wouldn't at all seb342. They'd be in the bin! Bad idea really. Might just delete my profile, my heart sinks with every new message

I didn't think it would stop them mimidaisy, maybe give me more chance of attracting some decent ones in amongst. But yes, terrible idea..think i'm going to have to admit defeat on this one!

Changing your age won’t change that. Maybe find a different app, some can be grim and others not so.

Agree, don't lie. I'm surprised you've had this experience tbh. I'm 39 & all I get are messages from men either 10 years younger or 20 years older! the ones my age just are not interested AT ALL.

Just wait it out or try a different one?

I've been going up to age 49 at a push (so 10 years older) but they've been absolutely awful recently. I've had 3 separate ones telling me that I 'Should only be looking for FWB really, as you don't have time for a relationship with young children & otherwise are wasting men's time. I'm happy to offer you FWB but won't be messed around'.

Well that's awfully good of them isn't it!!! Ugh. Who the hell do they think they are?! So they are going after the younger ones hoping they have young kids/limited time so they can use them for a shag!

Or the 30-35ish ones who have on their profiles 'I'm looking for age up to 60 as they are so much more experienced'. Ugh.

I would ditch OLD altogether and focus on meeting people socially / getting involved in new stuff. At least then you’re getting something enriching and morale-boosting out of it, whether (or whenever) you meet someone or not.

Come and join us on the dating thread for support and laughs (and some tears) regarding dating.

men who look way older than their profile states

They're doing what you're considering doing...

Meh. I'm mid 40s now, and quite happy to write a fairly blunt online dating bio stating what I do want and what I definitely do not want. Idiot filtering, if you like.

Saves a lot of time/effort and the blokes who get in touch seem to respect that - I think age/maturity/experience gave me confidence to be more direct. Narrow down your age range too - if you don't want over 50 then why have up to 55?

Am I reading this right?

You're moaning about men looking older than their stated age but you're considering lying about your age

Don’t, you look your age. Even if you are well preserved and fit and attractive and take care of yourself, you look your age - a fit and healthy version of your age perhaps, but when I did OLD I could spot which men had shaved a few years of their age in a heartbeat. You don’t need to do that - you are worth more than having to lie to get a man.

I think you either come off OLD altogether, or reframe how you deal with it/approach it.

Approach it as a filtering exercise, knowing that it's more of a numbers game/needle in a haystack type of activity. Take a few chances on profiles that might not look like your typical but where the bio is more appealing.

Have a set of standards. Lots of us don't swipe on profiles with no bios for instance, and no profiles with topless/gym selfies/toilet selfies or obvious ones who've lied about their age.

@SarahBellam

Don’t, you look your age. Even if you are well preserved and fit and attractive and take care of yourself, you look your age - a fit and healthy version of your age perhaps, but when I did OLD I could spot which men had shaved a few years of their age in a heartbeat. You don’t need to do that - you are worth more than having to lie to get a man.

Not necessarily. I look at least five or six years younger than I really am, possibly even more. I know people online always think people are deluded when they say that, but I honestly do. People are shocked when they realise how old I actually am. A colleague of mine told me they were born in 1990 and how that must sound ancient to me. You should have seen their face when I said I'd been at primary school for a few years by 1990!

@dabbydeedoo, don't we all

It's entirely possible that any person online claiming that they look 5 to 10 years younger than they do is right about it. Some people do.

But there are so many people claiming it, and I'll bet my next Botox treatment that the men OP mentions who have clearly shaved a few years off would claim it too. They can't all be right.

Me, I have actually been IDed several times in the last year or two while buying alcohol. I love face masks.

Younger than they ARE.

My senior moments are starting early. I look 21, though.

And you meet Mr Right, everything goes well and then he finds out you lied, some might laugh it off but Mr Right might not snd you're back to squat one.

If you want a serious relationship don't start it with a lie.

Don't lie about your age, that's shitty behaviour. I hate it when men do this. It's manipulative and gross.

[quote ILoveShula]@dabbydeedoo, don't we all[/quote]
No. Most people look about their age. When I started my last job, I was sent into a room with a bunch of recent graduates as the receptionist assumed I must be starting on the grad scheme. I was 33! There are plenty of downsides to looking young, like not being taken seriously, but that's for another thread.

I found tinder the best for filtering. It was busy and I didn’t get the weird messages I got on plenty of fish, where men did lecture me on why I should date them even though they were ancient 🤣

If you are smallish and slight and with a roundish face, people will think you are younger.

Managers are usually tall men, or at least they are where I've worked.
Great in stand-up meetings, I felt they were talking to each other over my head in the literal sense

Don't lie. I hate it when men do this, especially when they say, faux wide eyed, in the bio 'there has been some error, I'm actually 73, not 38, can't seem to fix it'. Try another app (paid one?) if all you're getting are tossers.

I was really disheartened by men my age who didn’t want to go out with women their on age because they felt they were much more youthful - in attitude and outlook - than their real age. But WE (nearly) ALL FEEL THAT WAY.

Try Bumble? Sure it means you have to do the leg work of messaging first, but at least you don't have to wade through the crappy unsolicited messages