Should I forgive and forget

[TheThirtySomethingMum]

Hi All,

First time posting, go easy on me

My husband and I have been together for almost 10 years and have 2 beautiful children. Over the past 18 months my husband has developed alcohol problems, not extreme, but severe enough that he will drink something alcoholic every night, and by that not just one glass or can but multiple. Other than this he is a great husband and father.

The past few months has pushed our relationship to the limit and during one heated moment where I told him to choose the alcohol or his family I went to bed and left him downstairs to think about his options. Fast forward to 2am and I wake up and DH is not in bed, I call down and he tells me he has fallen asleep. DH comes to bed and something inside me told me to check his phone (never done this before!) When I did I found explicit messages between him and a woman he had previously been in school with.

I woke him up and he went mad and deleted everything, silly really as I'd already seen. DH then confessed that not only had he been drinking but also buying and taking valium. On the night in question he had taken 3 valiums and drank 12 cans, he swears he can't even remember talking to the other woman or how that even came about.

DH has never done anything like this in the past and from what I could see it was just that one evening, what do I do?? I don't want to split our family up and he has now had help for his alcohol and depression (again I knew nothing of his struggles).

Do I stick by him and try and work on this or do I call it a day?

How old are your children? Can he move out to shock him?

I understand that you don't want to split your family up. Nobody takes that decision lightly. But the other person in the relationship's actions sometimes show that family is not at the top of their list of properties. 💐

I would honestly want him to move out until he sorted his drinking out. He needs to get some help with that.

I highly doubt this is the first time he has messaged that woman drunk. What was her response? Shock? Probably not.

@Piggyk2 our DS is 8 and DD is 6.

He has been very apologetic this week and has stopped drinking etc. but I think it may be to little to late.

I'm sorry I couldn't forgive that and would want him to move out.

So he messaged her explicit messages completely out of the blue to this woman and she responded positively? Really? 1st time?

No. I don’t think so.

He says this is the only time it's happened and it was because I had told him to leave, which I did as I told him he needed to sort himself out. Rather than communicating with his wife he then chose to do this.

I can't say 100% he's never done it before but I've never had any suspicions to be honest, but maybe I'm just oblivious!?

He is lying about the messaging

And please don't take the responsibility of any relationship breakdown, when it's totally unreasonable behaviour on your DH's part that has caused the shit to hit the fan. His choices have caused you this dilemma in the first place.

Thank you @Justmuddlingalong

12 cans a night plus valium?? He needs to go. Trial separation and see what happens. It's a miserable life.

Put him on an extended trial separation and see what happens.

Even if he 'only' messaged another woman once, that tells you where his head is at. But the chances are it's happened before, of course. The chances of him messaging someone for the first time that night, and her responding positively is very small.

The alcohol dependancy. The valium. The lying. The messaging another woman.

I think you should prioritise you and your children as he isn't.

Do I stick by him and try and work on this or do I call it a day?

You don't work on this. He needs professional help. He needs to instigate that.

He needs to fix this.

But I do think, if he's willing to do so, you can get past it.

Sorry you find yourself in this position OP. I can see your dilemma, but absolutely do not let him make you think his behaviour is your fault. You did not cause this, he has chosen to act this way.

Personally, no I would not forgive this deceit and would ask him to leave. IF he is truly sorry then his behaviour from this point onwards should be perfect and he should be taking 100% ownership of his problems, as well as seeking help for his dependency on alcohol. But I still couldn't forgive the text messages to another woman.

Bullshit. Absolutely no way this is the first time. Using drugs and alcohol as a convenient excuse for "not remembering" is pathetic.

He got caught. He is clearly a weak man, in many areas.

I'd leave. For a while at least. Allow this to blow over without consequences for him is setting yourself up for misery. Sorry OP, I dont know why they do this

Oh goodness this struck a chord!

I have forgiven this exact behaviour multiple times! I’ve seen countless explicit messages.

Drink is always the ‘excuse’. Or feeling low.

Please lay the law down NOW! If you forgive too easily it just signals them to do it repeatedly! Don’t be me.

I’m coming out of the relationship now. It’s hard, and I hope you don’t face what I did.

So do I understand this correctly: you gave him an ultimatum about his drinking, and his response was to mix drinks and pills, and send explicit messages to someone while under the influence, and your question is should you forgive and forget?