Is he a psychopath?

[perspectival]

I am really struggling to understand how my ex-husband could have made appointments to have sex with prostitutes and yet carried on our life as normal so nobody knew.
I know people are going to say forget it youre better off out of it but I cannot understand how a person could act so normal. He must be some sort of psychopath mustnt he?

No.
Just another run-of-the-mill lying, cheating, abusive, entitled shitbag.

So sorry he has done this & you are living with the aftermath OP.

What do you want to happen now?

No. Having sex with prostitutes when married doesn’t make him a psychopath. It makes him immoral and dissolute for sure- and well out if your hair, but that alone doesn’t make him a psychopath.

I agree with what you expect to hear.
It's done, put it behind you.
Not all liars suffer from psychopathy.

Thank you. I want to never have to speak to him or see him ever again but unfortunately that is impossible.
It worries me that I did not notice any signs for a long time though so what I want to happen is that I do not become untrusting, suspicious of others, develop a cynical outlook on romance.

Paying for sex alone doesn't make him anywhere near the criteria to be a psychopath, no.
Just a shit human being.

I have a 'friend' who's husband does this ( we know , she doesn't ) . He is a misogynistic arse , I don't think he is a psychopath , some men can just separate the two .. it's gross though !

He certainly may have some kind of personality disorder.

It's not my subject but there seems to be a lot within the spectrum of all personality disorders.

Characteristics of being dishonest, disingenuous, selfish, low integrity, compulsive, compartmentalised etc crop up among air of personality disorders.

I believe there's also a values system around women that contributes too.

You don't notice signs because of the boiling frog thing.

You know something is a bit not quite right but you ignore it because 'he wouldn't do that'/'you trust him'/'he's so set against that' etc
until one day you realise that he is a class A c**t.

He's probably just a lying cheating amoral arsehole.

It's not youy, it's him

So, if not a psychopath, how can he have been completely normal? The days he had made appointments, how could he have left the house completely normally? The phone calls he made while he was away, how could he have sounded completely normal? Not just to me but to adult DD? (This is one of the things she's mentioned and she says she feels disgusted that he might have been speaking to her either before or after his appointment). When he returned to the house after a visit, how could he have been entirely normal? I just don't understand it.

@gunnersgold

I have a 'friend' who's husband does this ( we know , she doesn't ) . He is a misogynistic arse , I don't think he is a psychopath , some men can just separate the two .. it's gross though !

I implore you to tell her. Please.

It doesn't mean he is a psycopath some men are able to completely separate parts of their lives, women not so much.
I wouldn't stand for it though.

@perspectival, we don't tell because it is the messenger who gets shot.
You'd get a firm ';he'd never do that' and be dumped as a friend.

Your H may be a psychopath but he might just be a complete c**t.
He porobably couldn't give a shit because he was thinking wih his dick.

Sorry.

It makes no difference if he was a psychopath or a narcissist or any other label. There is no excuse.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

He's a low life piece of shit, that's all you need to know.

If dragged to a therapists office he may well be diagnosed with something, but a medical label will not help the pain and humiliattion he has put his family through.

Trying to make sense of someone who has no concience is pointless.

I'm very sorry he was in your life.
You deserve much better but I'm sure you know that.
x

I would but she wouldn't believe me .. she also is very insecure and we fell out because she thought I was trying to steal her husband ( he is disgusting and I wouldn't go near him if he were the last man on earth !) so it's pointless sadly !
He has been doing it for years mostly abroad ! 🤮

I know how you feel perspect went through similar with exH, we split 3 years ago and I still can't get my head round the fact he had no issue at all lying to me and he was very good at it.
Ultimately all you do by trying to label it is totally stress yourself out. You were in love. You trusted him. He betrayed you. Facts.

I'm with someone else now and totally trust him - but if I was suspicious I'd trust my instinct more than I have in the past. Also, if DP broke my trust it would be over. I've learn there's no coming back from it.

Sheer bloody self-entitlement. The 'I'm so wonderful that I deserve the perfect family, the perfect wife, the perfect DD, the perfect house, the perfect family-man image ... but I also deserve my treats now and again, why shouldn't I, I work so hard, I'm so clever that nobody will ever find out ...'

Bye bye see u next Tuesday have a great next appointment with karma!

What was your sex life like? Did he have a high sex drive / sex addict maybe. It does not shock me - prostitutes - affairs its all a horrible betrayal to the partner

@gunnersgold

I have a 'friend' who's husband does this ( we know , she doesn't ) . He is a misogynistic arse , I don't think he is a psychopath , some men can just separate the two .. it's gross though !

I feel bad for her, would someone not tell her? The fact that everyone else knows is pretty horrible, I'd feel like such an idiot if I were her and found out that not only was my husband cheating but i was the only one who didn't know about it

I've read that betrayal with prostitutes is much more about control than it is about sex whereas affairs are much less about control and more about sex (and love sometimes).

I presume then, when a man feels he has no control over aspects of his life - perhaps his job is not fulfilling, he feels he has under-achieved, his wife manages much of the household and the DC, and so on, the need for control is satisfied by having control over a woman he has paid for. The sex element is probably only a nice side effect of what he is really seeking - validation as a man who can control his life and be seen to be able to control his life.

I am not an apologist for men who use prostitutes. They are essentially scummy losers who should grow up and learn the power of rational thoughts. But not usually psychopaths than stupid emasculated fools who compartmentalise really easily.

Yeah, well shot of it.

Some people are just incredibly selfish and their moral compass is shit.

Having thought about it a bit more, the question I think I'm struggling with is how could he have done this to me. How could he have done this to his wife of so many years, I was his best friend as well, when we went through so much together, we barely ever fell out, and I thought there were no parts of his life kept secret from me. That's why I assume he must be a psychopath because he fooled me so well.

@AryaStarkWolf she wouldn't believe me 🙄..

I guess it is different from an affair as there are no emotional feelings or love attached just the mechanics of a sexual act but it is such a betrayal and also a financial lie and strain as I am sure he spent a lot of money doing this