No support

[Barney90]

Me and DP have 2 DC. DC1 is 6 and DC2 is 7 months. I’m having a bit of a hard time at the moment, DC1 just doesn’t listen, answers back, doesn’t get ready for school, he’s awkward. He’s just hard work. DC2 has just started crawling and I feel as if I have to have eyes in the back of my head. I’m not afraid to admit that I am struggling. He’s also teething so he won’t settle and when he does nap it’s only once a day for 10 minutes. I am exhausted. Anyway, last night I was getting DC2 ready for bed but he had a really bad poo and it went all over the bed and he was screaming. I also had a hard evening with DC2. I ended up crying in frustration. DP asked me why I was crying and I told him how I was feeling. I was expecting maybe an arm around me, reassurance that I’m doing a good job (I think I am anyway, I try my best) but instead I got “This is what being a mum is all about, what do you think other mums do” “you wanted a second child” “you shouldn’t have become a mum then” Just because I’m not afraid to admit that I’m struggling at the moment doesn’t mean I shouldn’t have become a mum surely? My kids are well looked after and have everything they need. Is it wrong just to want a little support off him? He has made me feel like the worst mum in the world

What was your DP doing while you were dealing with the pooey baby?

@ThisIsStartingToBoreMe He had just gotten out of the shower

This is the sort of thing my ex used to say to me. It's very reflective of how he sees the family hierarchy, isn't it.

What is being a father about for him, then?

Did he not want your second child?

I'm sorry you didn't receive the support you were looking for OP. Your DP should have reassured you and his response was not kind or helpful. Obviously we don't have the back story here but is it possible he was feeling equally stressed in the moment? I am in no way defending him, it is unacceptable but was it out of character or is this how he always is?

I would recommend speaking to him about this incident at a moment when you are both calm and can talk openly. So often couples have these little spats, they get brushed under the carpet and resentment builds. You need to communicate with him and let him know that in that moment you needed support and that what he gave you made you feel worse. Call out this behaviour before it continues.

Jesus what a nasty bastard... you could do better OP.

Is this a one off?

@quaglenga He could have been stressed too I suppose. But I just don’t feel like he has my back like I have his and he’s always given me the “get on with it” attitude. I’ll take your advice and have a talk with him

@KatherineJaneway He’s said similar things in the past but I’ve always let them go over my head and have ignored him. But I felt as if last night was the final straw. I think he has the “well I work attitude”

He’s said similar things in the past but I’ve always let them go over my head and have ignored him. But I felt as if last night was the final straw. I think he has the “well I work attitude”

That definitely has to be stopped. A firm conversion does seem a step forwards.

Have a good chat with him when you're both calm. My exh had the 'Well work attitude'. If I asked for help I used to get ' When you earn as much as me then I'll help out'. If you don't get this sorted out you will begin to resent him more & more. It's harder work being a Mum than going to work he needs to realise this, at least you get a lunch break at work!
Don't ever feel that you're not a great Mum, you are. He now needs to step up & be a great Dad ( husband) too. Hope you manage to sort things out x

I'm reading between the lines here

"you wanted a second child"=I didn't want a second child,I only went along with it because you wanted another child".

"You shouldn't have become a mother then" = "I've seen the kids as your responsibility before we've even conceived them"

"That's what mums do;other mothers do it"=
"I see the kids as YOUR JOB;why are you bothering me with this;I don't care;you should get on with"

I agree with @thenewduchessofhastings.

He sees his job as the ? 40 hours a week he works and your job as the 168 hours a week you work caring for the children and running the house.

Selfish lazy bastard.