Narcissist faking illnesses

[HenryPotter]

A long while ago I came to realise that my MIL is a horrible narcisisst. Believe me when I say this is not something I use lightly. I have read extensively upon it and even had counselling to deal with her. My DH agrees that she is, but that doesn't stop him and his siblings from being in the FOG loop.

One thing that I have noticed about her over the years is that she is a massive hypochondriac. Any small thing is blown massively out of proportion.

Anyway, to the case in hand. My MIL has been telling us all for nearly 2 years that she is "seriously ill". She has had every test at the hospital, at her assistance, and they have found absolutely nothing wrong with her. Her "illness" is now dominating everything in the extended family and she has my DH and his siblings running around after her like R2D2 and C3PO.

According to my MIL, she is unable to go out, drive, go shopping, clean or do household chores and so she has DH and his siblings driving 2 hours to do things for her. However, my MIL is perfectly able to go on 3 holidays a year including long haul flights and is perfectly able to get around when she is there. Apparently it is good for her and she feels so much better once she has had a holiday. The only bit she can't do is get herself to the airport as she is too ill. She is also very able to go to her clubs with her friends and on day trips with them as well. FIL does nothing to help her and looks like he is just about to have a mental breakdown dealing with it all.

Coinciding with this is hysteria and drama and she has now established herself with martyr status. My DH and his siblings won't have a word said against her and all feel so sorry for her. They have conveniently forgotten the absolute carnage she has inflicted on their self-esteem and MH and anyone elses who is connected to them.

My DH is very upset with me because I have done nothing to help her and I am not showing much sympathy. She is also very upset with me apparently because well, I don't care. I have thought about it and my stance is that I don't feel anything, neither sympathy for her being sick nor joy at what could be karma. I feel nothing. I do feel like I am the bad guy though. I think they expected me to "do my bit" when I have my own issues and my own elderly relatives to deal with.

My feelings aside though. I actually think she is faking it and the more I think about it, the more I am convinced. She is like that guy off Little Britain who jumps up and does something when his carer leaves the room.

Has anyone else come across this behaviour? FYI she does not have long covid.

Yes I've come across this. Could you do one small thing for her every week such as a quick phone call to see how she is. That way, if people say you don't care say "of course I care I ring her every week to see how she is"

The rest you just need to disengage with really

Don't start down that route - nothing you do will be enough!

IMO your problem isn't your MIL, its your DH. Narcs don't let their children go and they pretty much have to want to escape to break free, and your DH doesn't want to.
They like to present themselves as the victim and very often manage to persuade others that their victim is the 'real' abuser. They affect an illness when they feel they have been challenged and may be outed as controlling or abusive.

Your relationship with your DH is being affected by his attitude. He is enmeshed with his mother and cant take a step back and see the situation clearly. He's allowed his mother to come between him and his wife.

Oh yes, sounds very familiar. MIL's own daughter commented to her siblings about seeing her mum trotting down the stairs of her house and then suddenly stopping when she realised her daughter had come in to the house. Whenever I see MIL she's always bent over, walking really slowly, groaning slightly, being the martyr. It's all very Little Britain.

Narcs need attention and one way they can get attention is to make their illnesses seem a lot worse than they really are. I tended to play along with sympathy because if you don't you'll be seen as the bad guy.

Yes I recognise this! Some of my extended family are like this, the sad thing is it's gone to the 3rd generation believe it or not. A family consisting of completely Narcissistic behaviour individuals. Every one of them has a terrible debilitating illness. Even a DIL who married one of them is now the same. Out of six people none now work, including the two in early Twenties.

Thing is, I can’t fake being nice. The woman is toxic and I’m not playing this game. I’m not enabling her, I refuse to.

I think I’m just going to let my DH crack on with it and take the flack.

The options for me are:

DH/ his siblings being a bit upset with me, which is not my doing. She’s not my mother.

Me doing loads of things for her and being dammed if I do and damned if I don’t and bring drawn back into the web with Shelob waiting for me.

How old are your DH and Siblings?

My narcissist mother is like this. Doctor appointments all the time, broke her ankle in 2000 and we've never heard the end of it, has all sorts of self-diagnosed "intolerances", expects everyone to run around for her. She even had my SIL putting her shoes on for her!

DH is appalled and won't engage with any of it (he seems to have understood from the start how to handle her). I just walk away if she starts up. DB and DF play along with it all the time saying that's just how she is. I really would recommend keeping your distance. Good luck!

DH and siblings all mid 40s

Why is everyone doing her shopping and chores when her husband lives there?

Does your husband help with your elderly relatives or is all his caring reserved for his mother? If it is then point out what a hypocrite he is.

You have a dh problem.

Speaking as someone who's gran was a narcissist, I would move away from anyone, anyone, who expected me to have prolonged contact with one. It's a sad thing that your husband cannot be free of her and he is not and may never be at a stage where be is prepared to be. But your husband is failing you by putting you in this toxic situation and having no desire to protect you from it. He has chosen her.

Choose you.

So DH recognises she’s a narcissist, but doesn’t see how that can be related to the mystery illness that comes and goes whenever she wants people to run around for her?

Seems like everyone needs to take a page out of FIL’s book…

You have a DH problem.

You need to tell him to back off as you will NOT tolerate ANY attitude from him.

It is HIS mother and nothing to do with you.

You are involved with YOUR parents and if he wants to add serious marital problems to his life, continue behaving as he is.

Be crystal clear him that you will not tolerate any bullshit from him.

One of my closest friend's husband has a father in law like this.

His late mother was a gentle woman.

My friend cannot stand her selfish FIL and made it very clear when her MIL died 10 years ago that her involvement was effectively over.

Her husband briefly tried to engage her but when she suggested he move in with his father he shut up.

Ten years on her husband does the absolute minimum for him as he can't stomach him either.

Selfish, mean man who loved one grandchild and ignored the other.

My friend protected her children as much as possible by being open about him not being a very nice man and minimising the contact.

Neither grandchildren go near him and haven't done for years.

Well done for standing your ground.👏

DH and siblings might get an awakening; my own mother is a very difficult person, I didn't manage to see it for what it was and distance myself until I was nearly 50.

My MIL once pretended she lost the ability to walk in a shop (that she didn’t want to go into) caused a huge fuss as we had to get the car near to the shop to help her into it.
We then drove to a different shop and told her she could wait in the car. However this was a shop she did want to go into so she had a miraculous recovery and walked about for hours.

Mostly it was funny, however she was awful when other people were unwell. She was furious when baby DD had a cold for instance (and then she decided she had the worst cold ever with no physical symptoms). Even when people were dying she would go on about some recent made up illness as the attention wasn’t on her.

The one thing I will warn you is MIL pretended she couldn’t do lots of things, walk any distance, when actually she could. It became a massive shock to her when she really couldn’t do these things and she was more difficult to deal with.

I had a friend who was a bit like this
She would have illnesses that caused her to change or cancel plans at her convenience and she was uninsurable - her words - for private health because she had claimed for so many odd things.

I won't bore you with the details of how I realised I was being conned.

But do you think your DH really believes her or is just happy to indulge her?

I think that factors in how you tell him none of it is your problem, but definitely stick with it not being your problem.

I feel bad for you.

My DH is very upset with me because I have done nothing to help her and I am not showing much sympathy. She is also very upset with me apparently because well, I don't care. I have thought about it and my stance is that I don't feel anything, neither sympathy for her being sick nor joy at what could be karma. I feel nothing. I do feel like I am the bad guy though. I think they expected me to "do my bit" when I have my own issues and my own elderly relatives to deal with

Before I read this from you, I was thinking 'Hmm....how much of this is being driven by gender expectations? That the woman should be willing and available to care and sacrifice herself for everyone, her own relatives as well as her husband's relatives? And this woman's husband is annoyed that she is not doing that (because he doesn't really want to do it himself, despite his apparent sympathy for his poor mum)'.

If you truly believe she's toxic, manipulative and faking a lot of it, don't budge. Never be at the beck & call of someone like this. You have to keep them at an enormous distance, because once they have you, they'll ask for more & more as they start getting a taste for having someone wait on them.

I think you need to be careful that you are not being emotionally manoeuvred to do the dirty work no one else wants to do, which could be a danger here. There might be other reasons why a husband might feel entitled to this this care from you, maybe justifiable reasons, but quite frankly OP, if a partner of mine did something as manipulative and self-serving as trying to make me help such a toxic person I would consider it a serious breach of trust. Your husband needs to have your back, not be trying to work out how he can use you to serve his own agenda. It's understandable to expect support from a spouse through life's difficulties, but given what she's like, I can see you picking up most of the work over time whilst your husband gradually does a silent, graceful side-exit (whilst guilt tripping you so remain in place).

@ThisIsStartingToBoreMe

Yes I've come across this. Could you do one small thing for her every week such as a quick phone call to see how she is. That way, if people say you don't care say "of course I care I ring her every week to see how she is"

The rest you just need to disengage with really

@ThisIsStartingToBoreMe There is wisdom in this approach to a lot of situations, but if his mother is particularly unpleasant, the OP will probably be drawn further and further in. Once some people think they have their foot in through they door, they ramp up the pressure. They think there's a chance to crack the other person, and when they can't, the consequence is sometimes worse than if you had simply said a blanket 'NO' in the first place.

I'm with @EarthSight, stay well out of it.

It is amazing how many men think part of the wife load is the care of their parents as well.

It's one thing if you love them dearly and want to, but toxic people like her, not a chance would I be in any way involved.

Well, I can completely sympathise with you. My MIL is same and faking that she can't walk. I had seen her walking, climbing stairs without any Sopporting stick when no bosies around but it's a different story in front of others. Even docter say that there's no problem. As I refuse to fake, My husband whole family doesn't speak to me but I don't care. My husband is a different story, He's aware about everything and has finally stopped asking me to take care of his mother. I refuse to encourage her fake illness