NC. How does it work, really?

[GaiusHelenMohiam]

I am going to go no contact or at least very low contact with my SiL. She brings nothing good into my life and I’ve had 15 years of biting my tongue and never saying anything about her behaviour to her because DH has never wanted to upset his family.

I lost my shit with it (and him) yesterday. And now I’m at the point of just cutting her out.

The history would take forever to explain but she is an incredibly histrionic person (I suspect personality disorder) and has always had the worst life out of anybody. She incredibly loud and talks (monologues) very fast, interrupting and talking over about all her myriad issues and problems of the day.

She has ruined (sabotaged) several things of mine over the years but always in ways that are so petty and subtle that I’m left feeling like I’m going mad.

This is completely outing but I don’t care at this point. My wedding day. I’d asked if her toddler son would be part of the wedding party, wear the same suit as his dad (best man) and DH. She went on and on about how that works t work, he’d never wear a suit, it’s all so stressful, she’s not even sure he’ll be at the wedding anyway. On the day she brought him IN A SUIT (different colour). She sat at the front row of the register office (it was a tiny service, just immediate family) and proceeded to get out a Cornetto ice cream that she gave to him to slurp while we did our vows, while talking at him all the way through.

Then at the reception. She got very drunk. Her DH made his speech, she stood up and shouted across the room ‘you forgot a bit, you didn’t thank the bridesmaids’. He had.

Later she collared me outside and cried for nearly an hour about how awful her life was, I didn’t feel able to get away despite it being my wedding day, people had to come and look for me.

I wanted to say something to her about all this 12 years ago but DH was adamant I wasn’t to, he didn’t want to upset his brother or cause trouble.

Other random things that I can honestly laugh about now because they’re so mad. She came to my 30th, which was a black tie James Bond theme, in a tracksuit. I’ve never seen her wear a tracksuit before or since. And she had a beanie hat on and told everyone it’s because she hadn’t had time to wash her hair.

She has always always ended up crying at every single event or outing. Our housewarming for our first house she came and then sat in the kitchen crying all afternoon, saying she had a migraine.

So Sunday night she came into my pub with a friend who she hadn’t seen for a few years. She invited me to join them after work. I weighed it up and thought well I haven’t actually seen her since August so I probably should make the effort. I said I’d have a couple of glasses of wine and then go home as the next day was a very long day for me. Her friend said she’d drive me home as she was driving.

I had my two glasses of wine and switched to coffee, by this point she had also switched to soda. She kept on and on and on at me to have another drink, go on have a drink, just one more won’t hurt. And then she just started buying them.

At this point I take full responsibility for drinking them but you have to understand how forceful she was being. Then she did her crying thing all over her poor sober friend. I went to the loo, came back and they’d left. So I was left in town, drunker than I wanted to be and had to call dh to come and get me.

Had to work 9am to midnight the next day feeling wrecked and tired and angry.

I sent her a message saying that I’m not going out with her again, it was weird and rude to press drinks on me like that, especially as she was no longer drinking. I mentioned that my DH has noticed she does this at family things, continually tops my wine glass up while barely touching hers.

Dh said oh god I can’t believe you’ve dragged me into this, you shouldn’t have sent that, and I really lost my temper. 15 fucking years of this and I’ve never been ‘allowed’ to call her out.

I’ve had enough. I’ve had this weird obligation to foster a relationship with this woman who I’m not related to and don’t like, she’s drained the life out of me for years and I’m done.

So, do I just block her? Stop answering messages? Do I need to explain to her further than I already have?

Sorry for the epic rant, it’s all pouring out of me today.

Yep just block her then if anyone brings her up simply say "I don't want to talk about SIL. I don't want anything to do with her." And repeat.

You have made the classic mistake of the 'final straw' being something pretty unrelated to the shitshow that is really bothering you. You could have let the drinks stack up and stuck to water and that is your fault. Now it will always be your problem when at best, she has a personality disorder.

A dynamic of this type has played out between my DH and his DIL. We have gone fully NC as she is a dementor and we can't have people like her in our lives.

She sounds a bit deranged but it doesn't sound like you've always behaved well either.

Go NC if it makes your life easier.

@PanicBuyingSprouts

She sounds a bit deranged but it doesn't sound like you've always behaved well either.

Go NC if it makes your life easier.

Sorry, which bit of my OP is me not behaving well

Classic cluster b personality disorder. Yes. Block her on your phone and in social media. Let your DH meet his brother on his own. You can stop attending any family functions you think she might show up to. Google "grey rock" technique.

Practise some phrases in case she does show up. "you're making me uncomfortable and I'm leaving/you're leaving"

Not gonna lie, "fuck off bitch tits" also works for me along with a dead eyed stare. But the former might be more... politically appropriate if you care about appearances.

@Rissole

You have made the classic mistake of the 'final straw' being something pretty unrelated to the shitshow that is really bothering you. You could have let the drinks stack up and stuck to water and that is your fault. Now it will always be your problem when at best, she has a personality disorder.

A dynamic of this type has played out between my DH and his DIL. We have gone fully NC as she is a dementor and we can't have people like her in our lives.

Yeah I take full ownership for drinking them but it was just awkward and embarrassing.

She didn’t do it to her driving friend (because she wanted the lift home) but she did go on and on about the nice bottle of Prosecco she’d bought her and ‘you’ll drunk that later won’t you and think of me, I know you don’t drunk usually but you’ll drunk that for me as I bought it for you’.

Gifts is another issue which always makes me sound bonkers rather than her but she buys me stuff ALL the time. And the kids. Like stuff. Knick knacks and bottles of gin liqueur and clothes. It’s really stifling. I need that to stop.

Oh god my phone loves to autocorrect. For drunk read drink.

You've repeatedly failed to set and enforce boundaries, which you have to accept is something to work on.

Although I suspect the PP in question was referring to smoking and drinking 😂

So basically she makes everything about her? Your Dh has been taught to pander to her, not upset her. Sadly he will have been doing it for so long he can't see it for what it is.

My friend has this with her Mother. The Mother sucks the joy out of every occasion and if it isn't about her, she will make it about her. It took my friend a long time to see that her Mother was a narcissist. Have a look into FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) and see where your Dh has come from.

As for NC just do not engage with her. Block her and no you do not have to explain yourself to anyone, especially not her. Grey rock, return any gifts she bought for you. Just leave them at your in-law's house or gift them all to charity.

Seems sensible to cut her out.

Be civil at family occasions and just don't engage if she tries to get into it. (You may be on a losing wicket though, as her crying episodes will play against you.) Best not to let her corner you.

Although I suspect the PP in question was referring to smoking and drinking

No it was definitely the boundaries

It does irk me somewhat when posters rant on about the behaviour of a relative or friend when they've failed to set a single boundary with them. Children have no or very little agency. As adults we can protect ourselves much better, or at least we should be able to.

The thing is I’ve never been ‘allowed’ to set boundaries.

Years ago MIL had a word with BIL about her, asking if there’s was any help we could get her basically. And they didn’t speak for months.

Now she visits MIL and monologues for hours complaining about her life and her husband (MIL’s son) and they don’t feel able to stop her or say anything. They’re a very ‘keep the peace’ family. I’ve had enough.

Wow - she likes to control through alcohol doesn't she?

You don't have to accept a gift. You can say "no thank you, I don't want this."

As women we are often raised to think we need to accept/take anything, to "not be rude", to "not make a fuss", to "not embarrass everyone".

Fuck. That. This isn't a manky box of chocs on Xmas day from an impoverished aunty. It's an attempt to manipulate. Stop it in its track by stating boundaries and keeping them.

If you feel you're not "entitled" to set boundaries for your own life (to the extent you consume harmful substances you don't want to) - the Stately Homes thread will probably help, because that shit usually starts with childhood.

This book might also help
amzn.to/3oAizMr

I think in this situation low contact as linked to dh and family. I would block her from directly communicating with me and be civil but not get drawn into conversations at family gatherings. Dh has to accept either you don't go or support you and help you avoid her.

She will make you the drama at first "sil hates me/ignores me" but just ride that out being calm and civil and nothing more. Others know what she is like and why you are distancing don't explain anything. Civil, calm calm they will see her unreasonablness even more.

Boundaries are what you set for yourself, not for other people.

So you can say "no thank you" to more drinks, and even if someone buys you a ton of them after that, you don't drink them. (Not saying that's easy, mind you, takes a lot - especially when someone is pushing against your boundary in a fake nice way.)

DH is on board now with me going NC. We rarely raise our voices to each other but I really shouted about the whole thing when he told me yet again not to cause trouble. It all poured out and I said I felt completely unsupported by him that he would never bring it up with his brother or let me call out the behaviours. The whole family culture up until now has been to roll your eyes and get in with it and I’m sick of forcing a relationship with this mad woman.

Even my colleagues who met her briefly said to me the next day fucking hell, who’s that mad woman you were with?

I’d never met her friend before and I was trying to make conversation ‘what do you do for a living, how old are your children’ that kind of thing, and SIL kept talking over her, mainly about the fact there’s a sparrow hawk in her garden and how awful it is and the council should do something about it, she’s at her wits end with how dreadful it is for her to have a bird of prey hanging around. Just abject nonsense.

If he's on board just do it. If she's on FB you can unfollow her so that you don't see her posts and then set your posts up so that she doesn't see them. Think that Instagram might work in a similar way. That way she won't realise, well for a while anyway, and there's less chance of a drama.

You're not obliged to see her either and yours less obliged to do things that you don't want to just to please someone else.

The one thing that's shining out for me in this thread is that you need to work on setting boundaries. Some posters have taken the time to post some useful resources. I hope that you manage to make them work for you

She’s not on any SM so that’s easy. Just WhatsApp.

Yeah I do need to work on my boundaries. I had a fairly complicated upbringing and so there’s a lot of learned people pleasing. I’ve got better as I’ve got older but I have struggled to tell her to just stop.

Sorry I’ve been musing on this all morning.

I think I’ve always felt sorry for her because she does get so upset and taken on face value she always has loads of issues. So I’ve tried to be kind, and to let some things slide, and as so say a lot her behaviours have been so petty and low level that I’ve wondered if it’s me with the issue.

But I’m so sick of hearing about her problems (she never wants solutions). She’s been apparently going through the menopause since just after she had her son and that’s been her excuse for a lot of it, but she’s always refused to get help from her GP and at this point I think it’s bollocks anyway. She constantly complains about how busy her life is (see other thread) but fills her day with nonsense.

Me dropping contact is going to really affect her because I am her sounding board for most of this. But I realised the other day listening to her slag off her DH, our Inlaws, other BiL and SiL that it’s very likely she talks about me like this as well so really, fuck her.

DH and her DH are very close, they work together and also do the same hobby. I’m a little bit nervous about any repercussions. But her DH must see that she’s quite mad, surely?

Honestly the fucking Sparrow Hawk conversation nearly ended me. I was quite blunt about it to her. She was talking as though this bird was tormenting her on purpose. It’s not actually doing anything, it’s just been perched on her trampoline over the last week or so.

There doesn't really need to be any drama though does there? Could you just get some stock answers together and keep using those? Things like "I'm really busy right now, can we talk about this when I next see you?".

This time of year is perfect for dodging people anyway as you can always claim to be too busy to see certain people, even if busy is sitting at home reading a book and eating chocolate

Is she trying to buy your affections with the gifts?

I think so, she does it with everybody. But it’s often really controlling; she’ll buy things she likes not me, and she is really pushy about it, not just gifts but cast offs. She has a LOT of stuff; she is a shopaholic.

If I ever say yes to something she offers that i actually do like, it will come in a bag with twelve other things.

It’s weird. But actually something I have tried to address over the years, not a lack of boundaries. It goes straight to the charity shop now.

Little update to this, after I messaged her and said I wouldn’t be meeting up for drinks anymore she has completely stopped messaging me.

It’s very peaceful. No more lengthy moans about how busy she is with housework and fighting off rampaging sparrowhawks in the garden.

It’s been nearly a week. I do hope it sticks.

Great update. Hope the peace continues.