Abusive ex.. living in outbuilding of my house

[Callo1234]

I left my ex partner 3 months ago, I couldn't cope with him any more, he has insane anger outbursts daily over anything and everything, eg. If I don't look happy enough, if I'm not walking the right way, if our kids make noise and wake him in the morning..
He refuses to get a job for the past 2 years, refuses to get out of bed before 2pm, is a heavy drinker and spends most of the day sat in the pub or his friends.
We have 2 very young children together, neither of which he bothers with, he'll acknowledge them as he walks to the front door to leave and that's all. He's said many times that if I ask him for help with something he purposefully won't do it, whether that's in regards to helping with the children or housework ect.

I finally had the courage to leave him after he became violent one morning I lost my mind when I went downstairs with my children and the kitchen was filthy, there were wine bottles and rubbish all across the living room and I was tired from being up with the baby at night and dealing with him every day.. so I went to his room (we slept separately) and yelled at him, he then proceeded to strangle me, he said he did it out of self defence.. I'm 5'2 petite female and he's 6'2 adult male and ex window fitter..

So I asked him not to come back and I've kept the doors locked since then, it's been 3 months now and he's been living in an out building at the back of the property, it's his friends property and private rented off him, so I'm backed into a corner there. Tonight my ex was punching and kicking the back door screaming at me to get out of his house.. I'm at a loss of how to handle this situation, I'm scared of him, of his temper, of losing my home, putting my children through unnecessary fear..

I have no savings, only family is my mother who lives miles away and we aren't close enough for me to ask her for help. What should I do..

If he kicks and punches the door again you phone 999 and tell them your violent ex is trying to break into your house.

Tonight, or first thing tomorrow, you call Woman's Aid for proper advice.

Are you married/what's your housing situation and what country do you live in? (Obviously I'm not looking for anything specific, but property laws vary between England and Scotland, for example).

Tonight my ex was punching and kicking the back door screaming at me to get out of his house.. I'm at a loss of how to handle this situation, I'm scared of him, of his temper, of losing my home, putting my children through unnecessary fear..

Did you call the police? If not, why not?

That isn't a trite question - I'm genuinely trying to understand why with kids in the house and someone acting so aggressively, someone you know can be violent and has strangled you, you didn't call the police?

You're absolutely right that you and your kids cannot continue like this. You all must be terrified. Call women's aid, speak to your health visitor (are kids still young enough?), speak to anyone who might be able to help organise a quick way out for now.

I know that a room in a refuge isn't ideal, but honestly a safe room away from him is FAR better for the 3 of you than a whole house with him screaming and kicking outside. A small room never harmed anyone. An angry ex very well could.

Where you are isn't sustainable, and so better to do something now than wait until it gets even worse before you move. There will be SOMETHING better, even if it's not obvious where that is right now. There's help out there.

Not married, only ties are the kids.

Wales and private rent, on benefits at the minute, job interview coming up this week.

Thank you for the womens aid advice.

Great news re job interview, well done.

Please do call womens aid tomorrow - they can advise on your options and offer support / signpost you to local services to help.

And posters on here can give you moral support too, of course.

But WA are fantastic when it comes to practical, actionable advice.

Thank you, it's the first time he's done that at the door, I'm scared of what will happen if I go further with this..

Okay, I'll call them, thank you, feel better just speaking about it already, thank you for answering x

You really need to call the police!!

You call Women's Aid and then you find a solicitor and get a non molestation order to prevent him coming near you/ living in the outbuilding. I'm pretty sure there's still legal aid available for domestic abuse cases.

Definitely the police.

Don't be scared about calling them it's better than him getting in the house.

Also call WA tomorrow

You really need to start getting other authorities involved. You need a trace and a 3rd party to record his anger and violence. I know he shows no interest in the children now but it's notorious for abusive ex to threaten to have the kids. Also I'm guessing you don't want a man like this alone with the kids?? . Well unless you have evidence you won't have a leg to stand on if it goes to court.
You need to call the police every time there's an insident. Also I would go to the police about him strangling you, that's very serious.

Did you photograph your injuries from his last attack?

Either way, you can still report him for assault, and you can call the cops if he starts making a scene outside your home.

Strangling is so dangerous, he could have killed you, left your children motherless. Even if his intention wasn't to kill, it just takes a little pressure to leave you dead or brain damaged.

Speak to Women's Aid and start calling the police.

And 100% get a video doorbell ASAP, one with 24/7 access from your phone.

OP is he definitely living in an outhouse? Is it like a little house or is it what I'm thinking of as a run down building, literally only providing shelter?

How is he washing, toileting etc?

The reason I'm asking - and I'm really not trying to be alarmist, but he's shown his colours already - is that I'm wondering if he's coming in the house when you're not there? Quite possible that he's not. But also not impossible that as an ex window fitter he'd know a window to get in. Again I may be totally wrong, and I'm not trying to spook you. It might be something to keep an eye out for.

I'd also report everything to the police. The worst thing that happens is they'll do nothing - but then you're in the same situation. Nothing lost. At least there would be a record though and perhaps they can at least flag your number in case you call in an emergency

So do you have a formal tenancy? Joint names, or just his? Will his mate evict you if he asks?

You could seek an occupation order excluding him, but I would need to know about that before advising about the wisdom.

OP ring national domestic violence Centre TODAY they can complete the forms and take your statement for an emergency non molestation order application. Report the incident re the door to the police and the strangulation incident. That alone qualifies you as a high risk victim of domestic abuse
That also qualifies you for emergency accommodation from the council. The police would need to contact the senior housing officer and confirm your risk level.

Did you have injuries? Photograph them? See the gp? Tell anyone re the strangling? If so tell the police.if not you can still make a valid complaint. If you are high risk the police can authorise the installation of a panic alarm at your address linked to a central station. Install the hollyguard app on your phone.

If its his friends property it may be better to move but your local womens aid can support you with an independent domestic violence advisor.

Definitely ring the National Domestic violence centre this morning. I think there is a cut off of 48 hours after the last incident.they are fantastic.

Strangling is the most common historical behaviour in men who go on to kill their partners. Please do not go near him ever again.

OP this is terrifying. You need to get him out ASAP. Call the police.

Phone the police. The fact that you haven’t gone for help already says you are not assessing the risk to your children- think about what would happen if he went to their school and tried this- an adult would immediately phone the police.
Phone the police.

Police first, report everything.

The rental - do you mean that you rent the property from his friend and he’s in the outbuilding of that? Not just renting the outbuilding from his friend? If former, then the obvious answer is that you HAVE to leave. Women’s Aid can help - even if it means a refuge ( not a terrible idea as that too provides a trail of evidence of his abuse). I’d leave the area if you can. Get a non mol so he cannot even approach you.

You've had some good advice, I just want to add that its helpful if you keep an incident diary and document everything - dates, times, what happened, and photos. Bring it up to date with everything thats happened so far, as best you can remember.

Good luck with the interview! I would call the police today and report both the assault and the attack on your door.
I assume you’re paying the rent? Women’s aid will help you on options to find a new place. Don’t tell him where, when you do move.

I really hope you called the police.

Tell them about his strangulation of you.

This is very very serious.

You poor woman.

Keep posting.

So you have family you could stay with?