Ds and partner aren't getting along .

[Calee03]

Probably not the right category. I met Dp when Dd was a year old so a long time ago. Ds doesn't know any different than Dp being in his life. He is 11 now. He does see his dad but it's a bit hit and miss.

Dp always treated Ds as his own. They always had such a close blond from a young age. I felt very grateful for Dp in our lives. He's always provided for DS and done all the dad stuff his bio dad didn't do. We also have Dd together.

But over the last year or so I've noticed DS's and dp's relationship slipping. They just seem to grate on each other. Know how to wind each other up. Dp has been quick to lose temper and shout recently. Saying he can't go on anymore and he's going to move.

Ds is autistic. He is hard work, very full on 24/7. I get that it's hard for Dp and for me... shouting at Ds isn't helping obviously... they end up shouting at each other all the time and bickering over everything.

they've gone from being very close to not so close. Dp still provides for him, picks him up from school. I have no doubt be loves him but it's strained. The whole household is strained.

I feel stuck in the middle. I had a difficult relationship with my stepdad as a teen, my mum always took my stepdads side. I don't want to take sides but Ds will always come first.

I'm in a very difficult decision cos Dd is so close to her dad and I don't want our family to fall apart!

If it helps try to remember that DS would be behaving like this with his birth DF, if he had never left your family group.

I would imagine it is his age rather than anything personal!

Op, this is a very tricky situation. I agree with other poster that this could possibly be an age issue and boundaries being pushed.

However, yr comment "Dp has been quick to lose temper and shout recently. Saying he can't go on anymore and he's going to move". This is not proportionate and if he did leave, he would also leave his DD so i think there are other issues here at play. How old is yr DD?

Also, a few of yr comments such as: " I felt very grateful for Dp in our lives" and " "He's always provided for DS" are a bit worrying. You should not ever be " grateful" for anyone. Also, provision for yr child was never yr DP's responsibility although, i appreciate he has done that.

I suspect yr DP enjoyed family life while it was good and easy but not so much now , challenges have arisen and reality beckons.

"Saying he can't go on anymore and he's going to move."

In this case he is either:

Genuinely unhappy- let him move.

Or

He is struggling with the reality of parenting 2 children and threatening to leave - let him move.

Either way he is not happy, he is shouting and, your DS and DD both deserve a peaceful home in which to grow up in and be themselves. I assume you face the same challenges daily but don't threaten to leave! He clearly feels he can up sticks when it suits him and the going gets tough, so let him go.

He is somehow slyly suggesting that you reign yr son in, so that he ( DP) has a stress free life or he will leave. You cannot do that and your son deserves to be himself as he is growing,understanding and challenging this world. Your son is becoming a young man and finding his feet in this world. He needs parenting, not shouted out and " Dad" may leave!

Let him leave and go live his best life. He is really no Dad or Dad sub. It takes more to raise a child than a few quid each payday and collecting from sch. You are mum, you are your children's protector and defender. You don't get to leave.

Help him with his bags and make sure he doesn't trip on the door step on the way out. He does not get to blackmail you or your children. Take that power away from him, let him go and allow yr children a shouty free , loving, all encompassing home with you.

"I'm in a very difficult decision cos Dd is so close to her dad and I don't want our family to fall apart"!

If yr DP felt he were that close to his DD he would not be threatening to leave. If he did not want his ( your joint family) family to fall apart, he would not be giving you this ultimatum . This is not yr guilt to carry.

She has you and her bro. Sorry OP and with kindness, let him go. He is not cut out for family life. He has 2 children and a partner and he is talking about moving out. Ok then, fair enough. No one should stay where they are unhappy. He can maintain a relationship with both children , if he is minded to.

Wish him luck as you wave him goodbye!

Maybe the whole family needs some support. It won't be easy coping with a boy with autism entering puberty.

@Tailendofsummer

Maybe the whole family needs some support. It won't be easy coping with a boy with autism entering puberty.

We have little to no support 😞 he hasn't even started puberty at all that I know of (no signs whatsoever). So I'm dreading that stage!

Aw that's so rubbish. Are there any even online communities you could join? My ds has adhd and I know I get some advice if not support on there. Even though I know why he does certain things it doesn't stop them annoying me and I have to work hard on not losing my temper with him (he loses his at the drop of a hat!)

I would suggest family counselling to get some help together as a family and a safe place to air views. And I would get in touch with an autistic child support group and ask for help in finding out what support you can get as a family. Good luck.

@Tailendofsummer thank you. Ds is diagnosed with autism but signed off mainly everything after diagnosis bug things are getting harder. J do believe he found have adhd too. I got the ball rolling with adhd assessment in March 2020 then covid put a total stop to it. I had to do a parenting course but it wasn't completed due to bereavement in family then covid... the area I live in is pants. Hardly any services and those services we do have are so overstretched. 🤯