Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Birthday Query

32 replies

Casualbrowser21 · 16/11/2021 15:12

Realise there are countless threads made about birthday’s and disappointment, but wondering what the general expectation is from an OH surrounding birthday’s?

Would you be disappointed if your partner bought you a card and dinner but not a gift?

Appreciate this is entirely subjective!

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 16/11/2021 15:19

Depends on the dinner
My dh is taking me to a spa hotel for a weekend as my present so I’m certainly not expecting a gift as well

skippy67 · 16/11/2021 15:21

I wouldn't be upset, no. But we've been together 30 years, and I don't need any more "things". This year we went out for cocktails and pizza for my birthday and had a fantastic night. For his birthday, I took him for cocktails, (bit of a theme there), dinner and the theatre. How long have you been together?

premium77 · 16/11/2021 15:22

I’d rather a nice meal (or a non-tangible experience) than a gift , but that’s just me. I’m not particularly fussed about birthdays

WakeUpLockie · 16/11/2021 15:22

Yes I would!

ravenmum · 16/11/2021 15:39

No cards where I live, but if he just took me out for dinner I'd be surprised, as so far he's always got a gift. If he'd said from the start that he didn't like gifts and asked if we could always just go out for birthdays I'd have been happy with that. I love a nice meal.

ComtesseDeSpair · 16/11/2021 15:43

No, I wouldn’t. I know I’m difficult to buy for (we both are, we’re well-off enough that we just buy whatever we want whenever we want it so never have a list of special treats we’d really like as gifts) and I’d much rather a nice meal out than some tat he’d bought for the sake of it or something generic.

But if your OH knows there are things you would like or that you rarely treat yourself to frivolous stuff then no gift at all does seem a bit mean, unless he’s struggling financially or you’ve a preference for expensive things.

Original poster
Casualbrowser21 · 16/11/2021 16:21

Thanks all - it’s a two year relationship (just thought OH was easier to say!) so feel like we’re not passed the stage where we no longer need to “impress” each other… suppose I’m just questioning his overall feelings towards me. Seems a little like he couldn’t be bothered?

But then, I know adult birthdays tend not to be a big deal! (We’re both early thirties).

Worried I’ll come across petty hence why talking about my disappointment here

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 16/11/2021 16:23

What happened last year and for his?

Original poster
Casualbrowser21 · 16/11/2021 16:23

Also should add I don’t care for expensive gifts but would rather something personal - but appreciate that can be challenge if you don’t know what to buy! Suppose at least it was acknowledged

OP posts:
Original poster
Casualbrowser21 · 16/11/2021 16:28

@SleepingStandingUp

What happened last year and for his?
Since it was lockdown it was relatively chilled… he cooked me dinner and I got a card (didn’t say anything though which I suppose is my own doing!) - for his, I bought him a cake and a little something
OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 16/11/2021 16:48

Well it sounds like it's appropriate within past history. If you want a proper present on top of being taken out you'll have to be more direct with him

Cloudfrost · 16/11/2021 16:50

2 years in he is nit a OH, he is a DP.

I think it changes expectations when y are still in a relatively "new" relationship. Yes he should have given u a gift too.

SleepingStandingUp · 16/11/2021 16:53

@Cloudfrost

2 years in he is nit a OH, he is a DP.

I think it changes expectations when y are still in a relatively "new" relationship. Yes he should have given u a gift too.

So how far into my marriage could I use OH? Cos we'd been married 6 months by then
ravenmum · 16/11/2021 16:57

My dp gets a bottle of whisky or similar. This is quite personal, as he knows I like whisky ... but at the same time, he doesn't have to rack his brains every year and then risk me not liking it; and it's also a consumable, so no clutter.
Maybe suggest something similarly nice and easy to buy?? It's no fun when you feel under pressure to get an amazing, personal gift or feel like you've failed as a partner.

Cloudfrost · 16/11/2021 17:01

@SleepingStandingUp well then he is your DH? Hmm
2 yrs, of which the majority was plagued with lockdowns and covid, makes it a relatively new relationship. I would use OH to describe an established relationship with someone u see urself longterm.

But also HmmConfused at marrying someone u only knew 1.5 year? But that's not the topic of this thread... I was expressing the opinion that my expectations would be different in a new relationship vs longterm committed relationship

Original poster
Casualbrowser21 · 16/11/2021 17:02

Sorry for the confusion! I’m relatively new to mumsnet and forgot the correct acronym - meant DP not OH

OP posts:
Cloudfrost · 16/11/2021 17:06

Op don't worry about it, it just might affect the replies u get, as some people don't bother reading anything but the first post, but i think the expectations regarding presents can differ depending how new/casual/ commuted a relationship is.

Original poster
Casualbrowser21 · 16/11/2021 17:06

Also thank you for the further comments - I’m not the most direct person so yeah maybe I do need to just either accept that he did make an effort or maybe suggest things in future - like perhaps an activity on top of a meal, as I do value quality time and memories.

I’m guilty for thinking just because I’d do something, it would naturally occur to the person I’m with to do the same. Realise not everyone views birthdays in the same way - in fact he’s not about “fuss” at all!

Christmas seems to be different for some reason though and I actually get a gift around that time of year

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 16/11/2021 17:08

@cloudfrost.. My only point was that we didn't know how serious it was. Lock down meant lots of people moved in together earlier and so would potentially have a much more serious relationship than they might otherwise because as you rightly say it makes a difference.

Cloudfrost · 16/11/2021 17:11

Not getting u a gift could be a variety of different reasons why, but I think maybe u could have a chat about how u like giving and getting gifts for bdays and such and ask him what about him. Maybe a casual chat instigated on how u were thinking what gift to get for a friend of yours or something. This way u can establish his general views about gift giving and hopefully he will get the hint that u like presents and not just cards.

Cloudfrost · 16/11/2021 17:16

@SleepingStandingUp I understand your point, but surely u can see marrying in under 2 yrs is not that common, and when someone on here talks about someone they are with a couple of years, the norm would be to call DP. Often OPs have their ass handed to them if they call a relationship of a few months a DP, its always pointed out that that is a BF not a DP lol

SleepingStandingUp · 16/11/2021 17:40

I'm in my 30s (holding on by my teeth) so would expect a 2 Yr relationship to be cohabiting with a view to other stuff tbh, not seeing each other one night a weekend for a sleepover and dinner mid week. Horses for courses though

Original poster
Casualbrowser21 · 16/11/2021 18:24

@SleepingStandingUp

I'm in my 30s (holding on by my teeth) so would expect a 2 Yr relationship to be cohabiting with a view to other stuff tbh, not seeing each other one night a weekend for a sleepover and dinner mid week. Horses for courses though
Not sure if this is related to my post but in case anyone was wondering we’re moving in together in January and do see each other more than once a week.

I let the bday thing slide last year because it was lockdown but did think we’d do something slightly more special this year.. will mention it and go from there

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 16/11/2021 18:34

I think if it's a serious relationship op then yes, have the talk. Agree if you do presents or not because forever is a long time to be at odds over this

mewkins · 16/11/2021 18:57

He should have bought you a gift however small.