I need a life.

[Tadmadruby]

So, in my 30's, mom and nothing else. Years ago i ended my marriage but my obsessive ex is still in my life playing the kids card all the time insuring that i even gave up the idea of being with someone. He is GREAT dad but obsessive, controlling and manipulative person, very toxic and i think he have dependency issues. One of my kids have a disability so with all the help i get i sadly need his help (part financially/kids money and part physically to look after the kids EVERY NOW AND THEN as i have no family around who can take on the challenges of my son.. thus, this all leaves me trapped in a corner.. i have been single for about 3-4 years now but ex wont help with kids at all if i had any kind of life, even meeting friends mean guilt tripping me for months after.. point is, this is the situation.

Few months ago i moved homes and experienced the oddest weirdest attraction to a neighbour..i dont really get it, he is just sexually appealing for me, seems full of life, good fun vibes and he makes my knees shake🙄🙄. Anyway, this have caused me stress, i want him but cant even try and have him (ex is in my house most days if not everyday to see the kids) and also i am suddenly hit with confidence issues, i suddenly feel so out of touch, like i am way too old to even know how people date or talk about nowadays 😬 ! That neighbour doesn't know about my super complicated life and must think that ex is still my husband so he is usually pretend like he doesnt see me but to my surprise he talked to me randomly and i can tell there is defo a vibe from his end too..

But due to the drama i didnt want to add more internal twists to the already twisted plot that is my life and i have up on that nice feeling i had for a bit (me wanting someone is in it self a feeling i missed).
This have made me feel like i need to slap myself hard in the face and shout the loudest and most angry "WAKE THE F UP" and correct this broken rollercoaster sad excuse if a life.

Bottom of my heart.. i need a life, good one. Fun friends and a plan.. "bloody self motivation" go get them..

On a more pathetic note.. i just dont know how to do F all. It doesnt seem doable.

Your Ex should have dcs at his place only on set days. Your business what you do when he is parenting.

So difficult isn't it, Tadmad, when you need the extra support and you have to get the help from someone who is also toxic .

Just re. your neighbour first! I think you could somehow make it clear to your neighbour that your husband is your ex and is only round to help with the kids. Well thats what I would do. See what happens.

Apart from that, I honestly don't know what to suggest. Perhaps you could just create stronger boundaries with your ex? Not tell him your plans? Grey rock? Make sure help and visitation takes place only at his home? I don't know how feasible all this is for you.

What kind of other things would you like to do to get more of an outside life? Are there possibilities you could try? When I was a single parent I went out only 2 evenings in 5 years as I simply could not get any help with childcare from anyone voluntarily and I had no money to pay. It can be tough ...

But agree with Atoz's short point. Is that feasible to arrange?

Your ex has a hold on you despite the fact that you've broken up and what he's doing is not cool. The fact that he guilt trips you for seeing a friend, that's none of his business. I agree with other posters about setting clear boundaries with him, and instead of him coming over pretty much every day, have set days where the kids either go out with him or over to his. It's definitely time to take back control, he doesn't need to know who you're seeing or talking to, he is acting like he owns you but he does not.

Good luck, it seems like a tough situation but you can deffo get your life back.

a) make boundaries with your ex so that he takes the kids at set times on set days, and isn't in your space
b) make a list of things that people do that makes you respect them. All of the things, right from being polite to shop staff through to setting up an international charity to support worms in need (or something) Your list is YOURS, it can be as ridiculous as you like, but start it today, and keep adding to it as you think of new things. I started mine years ago and still add to it. Then, start doing the manageable ones, and learning the learnable ones, and saving (a penny a day maybe) towards the expensive ones. Don't worry about looking for a partner for a bit. Within a year, you'll be a trumpet playing worm saviour who makes all their own clothes, donates blood, and is training for a triathlon. And you will have created a life for yourself that's amazing, and keeps getting more amazing. You won't be short of things to talk about if you've ever got time to go on dates!

But for today, just start making the list. Your life changes there, with that forward looking action. Got a pen handy..?

Anything he says is hot air. Literaly, hot air.
He has no power over you. He is not a husband or a Judge or your father or a lawyer or your guardian or your Priest or your Doctor.
He has no power or rights over YOU.
Tell yourself that 100 times a day.
Take a baby step this week. Say 'no' to something, anything.
Don't argue, don't justify, don't explain, don't reason, don't beg, don't back down, don't crumble, don't backtrack just to shut him up. Don't give in on something else to 'balance' saying 'no'.
One 'no'. This week.
I can recall the look of absolute incredulity and shock on my ex's face the first time I said 'no', first time in 18 years. The second time was easier.

It is so, so hard to break the habit of compliance.
I am sending you virtual strength and much love. I know how hard that first baby step is.