I have social anxiety because of my childhood; how can I undo it?

[sociallyanxiousss]

I have been doing a bit of self-reflection about my lifelong 'shyness' which I realise is actually social anxiety and a deep sense of shame. I think it comes from my childhood.

My Dad has a lot of issues, potentially NPD. He was completely disinterested in me as a child. There is a video I found of me excitedly telling him about something that happened at school and he's just going 'Ok.' and ignoring me. It still happens now, I don't think he even knows what job I have as I have given up talking about myself/my life. He also liked to threaten/pretend to abandon us, lots of memories of screaming and running down the road chasing the car as he drove away, telling us he was never coming back.

I also have a younger sibling with autism. They were very unpredictable and one minute could be fine and then the next could be having a meltdown. I often got blamed for these meltdowns, when really to expect a young child to be able to navigate the complexities of what can trigger a meltdown is an impossible task.

My extended family are/were completely disinterested in me and never really spent time with us. I don't get how both sets of grandparents and aunties and uncles can both be so disinterested and distant when it seems like everyone else has/had doting grandparents and close relationships with their extended family.

Finally, my Mum is very shy and self-conscious herself, so I had a lot of that modelled to me from a young age.

Not blaming anyone or anything, just I've realised in this kind of environment could I have really expected to turn out any other way?

Now I just need to try and figure out how to undo the damage. Does anyone have any advice?

Is it possible that your father was difficult and the extended family distanced themselves? That happened in my family - mum and dad were seen as tricky and people just stayed away. Perhaps seeing a counsellor would help. Dysfunctional parents often set up their kids as 'the problem' when in fact it's them the adults. You are not to blame. Working through this with someone could help to increase your self-confidence.

The answer I found was to read a lot about different health conditions. I found that being able to label the issues meant that I could find a solution.

I would recommend: The drama of being a child by Alice Miller. It is not for the faint hearted and I found it to be brutal in places. I would say that it really helped me more than any other book.

Brain lock by J Schwarz. I listened to this on audible as it is a big read. It is all about OCD which in itself is an anxiety. He has a 4 step method that I find very helpful

The brain that changes itself by N Doidge was a revelation. It gave me great hope at the time and is all about neuroplasticity.

In addition there is a great youtube series called Therapy in a nutshell which I highly recommend. She also does podcasts but they are cut down versions of YouTube

Finally Conquering shame and codependency and The codependency recovery plan

Sorry its a long list but it has really been a great journey for me. I also had one on one therapy for around 8 weeks.

Good luck OP

I would find a good counsellor and start to unpick your childhood scripts. You'll always carry them with you, but they don't need to dictate your behaviour. Both my parents are extremely socially timid and generally afraid of the world, and had far too many children with not enough time, love or money to go around. As the eldest, the first lesson I learnt was 'don't be a bother', because there were always younger ones needing to be fed and changed and supervised etc, and I certainly had some deeply peculiar and unhelpful messages about friendships given to me that bit very deep. My mother, for instance, strongly dislikes confidence in anyone, and thinks that the way to get people to like you is to perform shyness and self-deprecation.

But it's possible to break out of these childhood scripts, with work. I am a socially confident adult, as are my sisters. Good luck.

Thank you for mentioning therapy in a nutshell - it looks great.

sociallyanxious it sounds like you have made a start at understanding the root of your social anxiety which will go some way to helping you unpick some of why you are struggling.

Learning about the how’s and why’s of the issues you have faced and trying yourself to change your thinking, your beliefs and reactions can really help. I found reading and therapy really helped.

For me it was to do with recognising that although it was caused by my history (backwards looking), it was my own responsibility to sort it out (forwards looking)

Start to be guided by your feelings, which you have been conditioned to put to one side and minimise. That's the thing that needs to change; your feelings need to come to the forefront now. They will be your guide. Only do things that feel good to you. Don't do things that trigger the anxiety; this is basic self respect: respecting the signs your feelings give you about where you should be/shouldn't be, who you should(n't) spend time with, what you should(n't) be spending your time doing.

You don't need to pick apart the past; the reason people have to do that is to reach the conclusions you've already reached, with regard to how the past is affecting your current life. You can leave the past behind you, now. What would make you feel good, today? Do that. What would make you feel good tomorrow? Plan that. Got anything planned that will make you panic? Cancel it. This is basic self respect, and the very simple key to a happy and easy future.

As an aside, and not to be patronising, but it sounds like you've done really well in working out your triggers. I mean, really well. I'm a bit jealous, actually; it took me a year of expensive and gruelling counselling to get to the point you're at!

You're on a springboard, now. You've done the hard bit. Stop looking back, there's no need. The past isn't here unless you actively bring it here.

And good luck!