What do I do? All advice appreciated.

[LuckyLinda3]

Hi, I'm 2yrs separated from exh, 2 kids 21 and 16. Daughter lives with me, son works away all week back at weekends. Exh had left many times in past but I decided when he left this time that was it. I'm in a new relationship, have been taking things really slow and introduced him to the kids after 6mths. I see him on a sat night and maybe one other eve for few hours. Exh lives nearby but makes zero effort with kids. I do everything and work full time. Last night my daughter was upset, exh had let her down again at weekend and she said she feels stressed because she sees how stressed I am and how I've let things slip at home. To be fair I don't get everything done. My kids and their happiness is my primary concern. I am happy in my relationship but finding time and being relaxed enough to enjoy it is tough. He is so patient with me, kind, respectful and very considerate of the kids and their feelings. He is more than willing to step up and do the things with my daughter that her father wont but doesn't want to cross the line. I cant see a solution at the minute, my time is limited and theres only so much I can do. My sister who is separated 14yrs and single says I need to step up for and focus on my kids. I do understand that our separation is so tough on them so I want to be mindful at all times of their feelings and needs. Any advice greatly appreciated and sorry for the rant.

Your sister says you need to step up???
Cheek of her! Being a single parent , regardless of kids ages it s a whole new level of shit.
Deadbeat dads are twos penny... the mother normally has to compensate which again is shit but we do what we can for our kids.
YOU also deserve happiness.YOU also deserve help around the house and if your kids won't do that, get outside help if you can afford that.
Your partner sounds lovely. Hold onto him. It sounds like the one area of your life at the moment that brings you joy/ peace and freedom.
And don't forget to ask your sister how she feels she can help you out if she is willing to do this , due to her concerns.

@poorkate thank you for taking the time to respond. You are right this is a whole new level of shit. I feel guilty for taking time out but equally enjoy being with my partner where I can relax and zone out of my reality for a bit. I was so hurt by her reaction as I genuinely believed I was doing an ok job. Money is tight as I pay mortgage and everything myself but I do have a fair bit of leave to use up so I might take those days and get on top of my chores so I'm more freed up at weekends. I had booked a night away for us for my partners birthday this Friday. We havent been away yet but feel I cant now with all this going on.

she is 21 not 2

With all respect, you need too start giving yourself a break. You need to get away. You are doing a wonderful
Job compensating for a deadbeat dad but does that mean you surrender your happiness ?
I've never come across any adult children who come hime every weekend to make sure their mother is kept company and entertained .
My point is that while your children are number one , you need to start having your own life too. Your youngest will be gone before you know it and I don't imagine you will get any sympathy when you are alone and regretting losing a lovely
Lovely man .

Your kids aren't babies...ones an adult and the other will be in a couple of years. You're doing nothing wrong imo.

I take it the daughter is the 16yo?

What kind of things has her father let her down with, and what can your new beau do to help?

Xposted with a few. I think people underestimate the effects on teens/young adults when ttheur parents split. Mine split when I was 11, I took it in my stride. My best friend's parents split when she was 16, and she took it harder, and it was harder for her to adjust, especially with GCSE exams looming. Teens and young adults still need lots of love, support and guidance.
That said, you too need to build a future for yourself, and your new guy sounds great. It's early days, don't sweat the housework (maybe use one evening to blitz the worst of it), and enjoy your kids and new man.

sorry daughter 16?

a bit difficult age but still shouldnt be so needy.

One of your children is 21, the other is 16.
I don't understand how the house is slipping. Doesn't everyone just chip in and clean up for themselves?

Why's there so much stress?

@RainbowTomte, yes my daughter is 16. Exh lives 10 mins from us and she has never been asked over for tea, dinner, sleepovers. He will agree to do stuff with her or take her places then cancel at last minute. The kids dont expect me to sit in but I still feel guilty when I go out. I agree that because I'm stressed its obviously creating an atmosphere at home but it's tough juggling everything. I talked to my daughter last night and she wants me to be happy but less stressed. We agreed to try to work together to achieve this by helping each other out a bit more and taking dedicated time to spend together as well. It's just tough. My partner has 3 sons but loves my daughter to bits because she loves football and sports and they matter away about this stuff. He wants to take her bowling, out with us to eat and days away. He just doesn't want to come across as trying to replace her dad so we havent done any of this yet.

The house is slipping? Time for her to muck in, then.
Tell your sister to butt out

@girlmom21, thanks. I get your point. I think I'm the problem because as others have said from day one i was trying to compensate for their dad leaving and tried to do everything.

I'm a bit confused about the housework and chores...if there's only you and your DD, it should be fairly manageable? Do you work very long hours or something?

Stop being so hard on yourself, you don't have to do it all on your own.

Separation of parents can be tough on children of any age. It sounds as though you have been very considerate and caring about how you approach this. Unfortunately your ex sounds as if he has let your DC down and if he is either too lazy or selfish to nurture his relationship with his grown children that is his problem. It isnt something you can or should resolve or facilitate.

If your partner has developed a good relationship with your daughter and wants to support her and she is happy and comfortable enough to allow him to support her then I think she is of an age were she can choose this. The issue of "line crossing" is a bit moot as if her father is wilfully opting out of parenting duties and letting her down frequently. As you say he is making "zero effort" so he really doesn't get to play the victim if someone else other than him steps up.

Your son is an independent working adult man and you will always be his lovely caring mum, however unless he is struggling in any way then he will not need or expect you to prioritise and focus on him at this time. Of course you will always be there for him but as he works away all week it sounds as if he is self sufficient in the practical sense.

Your daughter is at a tough age where anxieties can peak with the stress of exams and peer pressure etc. Given the previous 18 months adolescents have had a really rough time. However at 16 she will understand that you are not just mum but also a person too. You can support her without being there 24/7.

It sounds as if you have a busy life, full time job, teenager at home and new(ish) relationship. When you say stuff has slipped at home do you mean housework/maintenance stuff? If so are your son (when home) and daughter helping out? You are a team and that requires effort from all the household. It is unfair and unreasonable for everything to fall to you.

Your sister sounds as if she has her way of living life and that is fine for her but she should not try to impose her belief that her way as being the only way on you. To be honest I don't think that making adult/young adult children the centre of your universe and making them your complete focus is healthy for a parent/child relationship. They will always be your priority but your relationship will evolve as they grow up.

@Comedycook fair point. Yeah I do work 9 hour days mon to fri. My daughter has several sports activities, some during the week and one on sat morning. Maybe I need to look at my time management.

@SunburstsOrMarbleHalls, thank you so much x

Why are you so stressed?

By all means take a few days off work, but why not spend them doing fun stuff with your daughter, instead of cleaning and other chores .

You kids are old enough to do a large part of the cooking and cleaning.

You deserve a life of your own, especially the relationship with your wonderful man. Don't even think of canceling the night away for his birthday!

My son is now 18 - we’ve always talked openly about relationships and yes understood that not every boyfriend will last forever, it’s actually been a great life lesson as he can meet and adapt to people from all walks of life.

I’d say go for doing the hanging out things between your boyfriend and your dd - why should she be missing out on doing fun stuff? It doesn’t have to be a replacement father type thing, again it’s great for them to learn to hang out with people as friends :)

@FlowerArranger thank you so much x. I do think I have let the kids away lightly where chores are concerned.

@Arabelladrinkstea, thank you. Great to hear different perspectives, you're right.

You sound as though you are a great mum. You do need a life of your own. Your children will go and have their own lives. Of course our kids always come first but you need a little bit for yourself too. Don't feel guilty. Your sister is not very nice for saying that

Your kids are old enough to have their own lives - they may appreciate you giving them some space.

Why would you cancel a night away? They’re not babies that need looking after . Tbh if you come across as this stressed to your new boyfriend he probably will get sick of it soon enough .

@cherrypie66 thank you for your kind words x

@Fidgety31, thank you. You are right and I have thought that myself. He has been so patient but everyones patience can run out over time.