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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Help me find some solace

22 replies

trulydeeply · 15/11/2021 22:53

Twenty years ago I had an interesting encounter. It was early summer, I was in a car at the traffic light, windows down, when a nice young man/boy cycled by, stopped and chatted me up. He quickly wrote down his number on a piece of paper and gave it to me, before I had to drive on.
I called him and we met maybe once or twice before he invited me to his parents' country home. I agreed to go, he said he would pick me up and drive us there. He never came. I waited and later that day some friends of his I didn't even know somehow found me and came to tell me he had a fatal car accident the day before. He went to the country house to prepare for my visit and he was driving without having his driving licence. He died on the spot.
I was in shock. Went to put some flowers on his grave before the funeral and then just went on with my life. Never looked back. I did remember him sometimes but I had some turbulent years, was very young and somehow supressed and blocked these events.
Recently I thought of him and went to look for his grave. I'm deeply ashamed to admit I even forgot his name. I searched by the year of his death and found it. I remembered him instantly. There was even his face engraved in stone. It hit me like a ton of bricks. It took me back all those years. I realised that this lovely young man would still be alive if it weren't for that fateful meeting.
He is alone there, no other relatives, which means his parents must be still alive, still missing their son. He would have been 40 two weeks ago. I felt such sadness for him. I had mostly a great life, while he was denied one. He would probably have children, a family.. I barely knew him, but he will now be a part of me forever. I've decided to cherish his memory like he deserves. I feel I failed him in not remembering, not thinking about him, not visiting his grave..
I would appreciate some words of wisdom, a philosophical view maybe so I could gain a new perspective on this sad situation.

OP posts:
Jesskir89 · 15/11/2021 23:56

Wow op thats such a sad story. I wouldn't call him meeting you a fatal meeting though. I believe when your times up its up. There's a plan for us all. Sadly and for some strange reason we will never understand, this lovely young man's time was up. Remember him and visit his grave if you're local, this would be a nice thing to do

GreenLunchBox · 16/11/2021 00:00

Aww, OP, that's such a sad story. Flowers

Sakurami · 16/11/2021 00:01

That's a sad story and I can understand how its affected you. But it was an accident and not your responsibility ot fault. You were young and hardly knew him so you can't be held responsible for not remembering.

Withgasoliiiiine · 16/11/2021 14:53

What a sad story OP. You absolutely haven't failed this young man in any way by not visiting his grave until now. In fact it's really thoughtful of you to do so now, so many years later. It sounds as though the life he had was wonderful from the details you do know, young, happy, good friends, confident enough to carpe diem with the young woman who caught his eye at the traffic lights, a permanent tribute from his family in the form of the statue.

I am fortunate enough not to have much experience of untimely bereavement (well, not extremely close friends or family) so don't know if this is a good suggestion but I wonder whether his parents would be glad of a note if you could track them down locally? Just saying how you knew him (just that you had a couple of dates before his death and he was a lovely guy, and that you were thinking of him and his family coming up to his 40th).

Withgasoliiiiine · 16/11/2021 14:55

Oh, and you don't know that he was only going to the house that day because of your visit. He might have wanted to go anyway for some reason Flowers

trulydeeply · 16/11/2021 20:29

Thank you all so much for your kind words. I really wanted to make him some kind of tribute or homage. To tell the world about him. For you're alive as long as somebodys thinking of you.
It's very likely that he was truly blessed and very much loved, he had so much confinence and such positive energy. He seemed like such a good guy. He was only 18.. I would like to think he sparkled like the brightest star in the sky and then it was time for him to go. It may really be that his time on Earth was done. And maybe if he was enthusiastic dreamer like me, then his last days were full of adventure and possibilities.. a prospect of love or friendship.
I think I'll visit him more often, maybe light an eternity lantern at his grave this Christmas with a little note. I'm pretty sure his parents will visit then and see. I just really wish I could hold his hand for a brief moment and say goodbye..

OP posts:
Jesskir89 · 16/11/2021 20:33

That'll be lovely to do that at Xmas op. Would it maybe help if you called on his parents to let then know you still think of him? They may appreciate talking to someone else knowing their sons memory is still alive in others? I truly do believe when it's your time, its time. I'm not religious but do believe everyone has a purpose Flowers

category12 · 16/11/2021 20:44

I dunno, I think it's a bit encroaching and like you're have a mawkish fantasy.

You hadn't thought of him in years and you had even forgotten his name. You in fact barely knew him - and now you want to make him into some kind of mourning project? I think this is more about you and displaying your narrative than it is about him or his parents.

trulydeeply · 16/11/2021 21:11

category12 I don't know either. It just came out of nowhere, this memory of him and this burden on my soul. Maybe it's to do with me being older, realising we're not here forever, trying to make amends. I agree it's not about his parents. I wouldn't contact them directly and risk opening old wounds. But I wanted some guidance, some thoughts o this from strangers. It's like I just deleted this for a very long time and now its come back to haunt me.

OP posts:
category12 · 16/11/2021 21:23

You're turning it into the great lost romance or something in your head but you barely knew each other. He was driving without a licence, he was an accident waiting to happen.

It just seems like you're wanting to perform your emotions for the parents - I'm pretty sure his parents will visit then and see.

It's tragic that a young man died and what could have been for him, what opportunities he could have had and who he could have been - and the loss for his parents and the people who loved him, but - that wasn't you.

And I don't think turning his graveside into the you show is the right thing to do.

category12 · 16/11/2021 21:28

Ugh, that came off really harsh and I'm sorry for that. I think it's fine to think about him and grieve for him privately, and think about what it means and what he represents to you, but the public stuff seems misplaced to me.

Suzi888 · 16/11/2021 21:29

I don’t think there’s any harm in visiting the grave, taking flowers and spending some time there. I’m not sure I would leave a note, I wouldn’t know what to put in it. Is the grave tended to? No one may visit anymore.
Such a sad story OP.

Moonface123 · 16/11/2021 21:40

We are all standing in line, no one knows when our time is up, the biggest mistake we make is believing people only die when they are old.
The best thing you can do is live your best life, that's what he would have wanted, he never got that chance.

trulydeeply · 16/11/2021 21:43

By note I meant a philosophical thought for example, not a message to parents or to him. That would be creepy. The grave is tended to. Candles lit etc. Lantern was an idea instead of a candle. Wouldn't be strange at christmas time. I thought it would be pretty.
I actually don't think of him in a romantic way as we didn't even kiss. More like a boy I once knew. And I don't think it's wrong if another person, even if just an acquaintance, remembers him or thinks about him. It doesn't take anything away from his loved ones.

OP posts:
SilentPanic · 16/11/2021 21:48

I think that category12 has posted some incredibly unkind and insensitive comments here. Although you didn't know him well, he would have thought about you a lot in his final days, and would have enjoyed that lovely feeling of hope and excitement that we get before a first date.
You have every right to your grief, however delayed it is. You DID have a connection to this person and I can understand how you would carry this with you for the rest of your life.
Big hugs to you OP.

Suzi888 · 16/11/2021 21:59

I think it would be a nice thing to do, I have loved ones who have passed on and I wouldn’t be offended by what you intend to do at all.

Sonaftersonafterson · 16/11/2021 22:49

@category12 you nasty woman. Have a word with yourself.

OP, the very fact you are writing this post shows you are a caring and thoughtful person. Some people wouldn't care at all. What happened to the young lad was tragic and as he was preparing for your visit when it happened, I can fully understand how connected you feel to it.

You have no reason for guilt, obviously. Just think of him warmly and pay your respects as you have been. I'm sure his parents would find it of comfort that their son is in someone's thoughts. Who wouldn't.

Bless you Flowers

category12 · 17/11/2021 06:59

Meh, I already apologised for coming off harshly.

But I stand by not feeling it's quite "right" to start regularly attending the grave.

If op bumped into his parents at the cemetery, she can't genuinely say "I thought of him often" or anything like that - she forgot him for 20 years.

Of course, op can do what she wants and it's not harming anyone, as such.

Pinkdelight3 · 17/11/2021 11:13

I was going to say don't go and see the film Mothering Sunday as there are some similarities, but on reflection perhaps it might help you to see it. There's a book too by Graham Swift. These brief encounters in our youth can stay with us for a long time, but it's really more about you than him - which isn't a criticism at all, it's about you being older, reflecting on mortality, lost youth, moments vanishes, paths not taken and so on. Light a candle to him if it helps, but put your energies into your life now, the people around you, being in the moment. Like you were at the traffic lights that day. It wasn't a fateful meeting. It existed and you both lived it and took the chance. That's all you can do.

Withgasoliiiiine · 17/11/2021 11:58

Just my point of view but i'm not sure I'd start leaving notes on the grave if it looks like his family visit regularly. By all means visit occasionally, light a candle for him in church etc. But regarding putting pen to paper, I would be inclined to either contact the relatives directly or not at all. I'm sure they would just assume it was an old friend but I wouldn't like to think of them potentially worrying about a cryptic message, or it even being a mystery to them who has suddenly started writing notes after all this time.

CharityDingle · 17/11/2021 19:10

I agree with the previous two posters. By all means, light a candle quietly somewhere. Think of the loss suffered by his family, and wish them strength, or say a prayer for them, if that is something that you would ordinarily do.

I definitely wouldn't put anything on the grave. It would be intrusive in the circumstances, imo.
Put your energy into your own life, and into those around you whom you hold dear.

MissAmbrosia · 17/11/2021 19:18

What do you need solace for? Absolutely intrusive what you are suggesting. It like an episode of Our Tunes. Just remember him quietly at home.

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