Relationship - am I being gaslighted?

[Askingadvice92]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year now. He used to have bad anger problems but he’s working on them now. Not physical angerness but would often shout and call me names.

But whenever we argue, I’m always the one that’s caused it. Although he admits that he is the one that has turned it into an argument, it’s always my fault the reason why it’s been started because I said something or I created an awkwardness. Our last argument, I got a little insecure and needed some reassurance. This caused a major issue and I shouldn’t be feeling insecure or need any reassurance as he says he’s my boyfriend and he always tells me he loves me. He says it’s not right that I have these feelings especially because we spent a day together lovingly. He says it’s not normal to have these feelings and I shouldn’t even be thinking about them.

I’m not an insecure person or someone that needs reassuring but it was only the day before where he was asking me all sorts of questions about whether I want to be with him or if my feelings have gone away as he feels a change with me. He says that’s fine for him to ask as it’s been building up for a while whereas mine was out of the blue

Is this a form of gas lightening or could this be his anger problems?

No lovely

This is called flogging a dead horse , get rid get some boundaries in place
And start the new year as you mean to go on, demanding respect for yourself

He'd a common all garden abusive wankbadger they don't change,

Relationships aren't supposed to be like this.

What you have here is toxic and emotionally abusive. Why do you feel you need to stick around to endure his "anger problems", his manipulation and his double standards?

Love shouldn't be painful or confusing, and while couples argue sometimes, it shouldn't be like this.

The very basis of a loving relationship is that you respect the other person's feelings. He is fully disrespecting yours by saying you shouldn't even be having them. That's a rejection of the core of you, of your heart, of the true you.

Who cares if it's called gaslighting or abuse or anger management problems? What difference does it make? If your partner shows signs of any of these... if you're even asking the question... you need to take care of your feelings by leaving him.

Nobody has the right to tell you how you should feel, and least of all somebody who doesn't know how to keep their own feelings in order. Because that's what's happening here; you're being asked to reel your feelings in, because they make him feel things that he can't reel in. Spectacular double standards, and look who's worse off.

@Guiltypleasures001

a common all garden abusive wankbadger

Fantastically phrased!

Spectacular double standards, and look who's worse off.

This OP.
It's not your fault. You can ask questions. You can ask for reassurance. You don't have to stay quiet in case you rock the boat.

Don't waste another year.

So, you're playing by his rules, which he makes up as he goes along, to suit him and you trip up constantly because you're not psychic. This he can ask for reassurance cos it's been building up but your thought isn't allowed cos it's out of the blue is a prime example... Wtaf. He's the thought police and the goal post setter all rolled into one. You'll never win. One year in should be easy peasy, all delighted besotted fun times but this on your toes nonsense. Save yourself and run for the hills, you'll feel relief.

Lifes too short for that crap whatever it's called.

At one year into a relationship I wouldn't expect to be arguing at all. Let alone consistently. Let alone those arguments making me question my right to my feelings. And no one, ever, has the right to tell me my feelings are not OK.

He is a knob op. Relationships should for the most part, be as easy as breathing. They should add happiness and security, not drama and insecurity. There doesn't need to be abuse for you to say 'this isn't working for me' and move on. But, in this case, it does sound like a is a gaslighting prick into the bargain.

But whenever we argue, I’m always the one that’s caused it. Although he admits that he is the one that has turned it into an argument, it’s always my fault the reason why it’s been started because I said something or I created an awkwardness.

Okay, what's happening is he's making you responsible for managing his reactions and feelings, and expecting you to fix them for him.

It can be quite difficult to understand how this works without examples, so could you give me an example of how one of your arguments went, so I can show you where the problem is occurring and how to understand it?

He's making you feel there is something wrong with the relationship which is quite true. He is what is wrong.
A loving relationship should not be like this.

I think you would be better off without him. He will always do this to whoever he is with.

Oh sorry, I just re-read the message and saw you did give an example.

Basically, in that particular argument, he's telling you how you should or shouldn't feel and what you are and aren't allowed to think. What he's doing is called "defining reality" for you. In this case, from his point of view, his insecurities, feelings and thoughts are 'real'/allowed/right and your insecurities, feelings and thoughts are 'not real'/not allowed/wrong.

Telling someone else how they should think or feel is the mark of a person with control issues, and people with control issues usually have anger issues too, because every single day in life things happen that we didn't expect (eg traffic jams) or don't like (eg our partner expressing doubts about our relationship).

People who operate under the misguided expectation that they should be able to control what happens to them – and specifically, that they should not have to deal with anything that they find uncomfortable, inconvenient, confusing or hard –generally find it unfair and feel wronged and angry when life, or other people, do not play along with their expectation of a difficulty-free life.

So the bad news for your boyfriend is that he does not actually get to choose the value or realness of your thoughts and feelings on your behalf and tell you which ones are okay and normal and which ones are not. God/The Universe did not put him in charge of that – he is trying to appoint himself in charge and I urge you not to agree with his self-appointed role as 'decider of what you should think'.

Because YOU are actually in charge of deciding the value and realness of your own thoughts and feelings. Not him. Never lose sight of this, because controlling people really, REALLY rely on you doubting yourself and putting your trust in them instead.

You've wasted enough precious time on this abusive arsehole. Don't give him another day.