If you found out your DD had selfharmed...

[AwkwardPaws27]

How would you react?

My mum found out when I was 14/15. I was doing the washing up, she spotted a mark on my arm and grabbed it, yanked up the sleeve and saw more shallow cuts.

I remember her screaming angrily at me over and over "why are you doing this to me?!". Lots of crying (her). She called my dad (separated for years), couldn't get through so called his brother & wife (aunt and uncle). Not a clue why, I only saw them twice a year, so I can only think she did it to punish me by sharing what a "naughty ungrateful girl" I'd been.

No counselling was sought or suggested. No trip to the GP. Just a very stern warning that I was never to do it again and why would I do that to her after she "bent over backwards for me".

I don't think that was normal, was it? I had a lot of MH problems in my late teens, threw myself into the first (awful, coersive) relationship that came along, kicked out at 16, and still have self-esteem issues. She talks about how my brother and I had everything as kids but I don't remember it being like that.

Well, you clearly know your mum got it very, very wrong.

Both my DDs have self harmed, DD1 still does occasionally though she is working through it in therapy - she's 20 now. When I found out it was happening, I just asked if there was anything I could do to get them help and support. We were going through extremely stressful times at home so I wasn't surprised. I was able to stay calm and supportive, but then I was working in mental health in a non-clinical role and couldn't help picking up a lot of useful information. I think a lot of parents would react with shock at first.

But your mother went beyond that and failed to offer you support. I hope that you are looking into accessing support and counselling now, because it sounds as if your teenage years were very tough indeed.

Most caring parents wouldn't act like that. I'm sorry that your mother was like this with you.

My dd self harmed. We were very upset but we didn't get angry with her. We stayed calm and talked to her and asked her why she was doing it (school / anxiety) we asked if she'd like to try talking to someone / taking antidepressants. She said she did so we took her to see a psychiatrist; antidepressants didn't help but we then relocated so she could go to a different school and she's now much happier.

I don't know anything else about your mother but based on this she sounds unkind and lacking in empathy. But maybe she just didn't know how to react. How was she in other ways?

Well, you clearly know your mum got it very, very wrong.

I didn't. Not until very recently when I reconsidered it. I thought I was a bad person.

Yeah, my mum did similar.

When my son self harmed I did basic first aid (superficial harm) and ensured he got to his therapist meetings.

I also told him I loved him.

I don't know anything else about your mother but based on this she sounds unkind and lacking in empathy. But maybe she just didn't know how to react. How was she in other ways?

A very stressed single mum. I often felt like I was walking on eggshells not to make things worse.
I don't remember her telling me she loved me - I can get her to say it sometimes now by saying it to her and then waiting.
I didn't feel like she enjoyed having children; we were the reason she had to work so hard, everything she did was for us, we should be more grateful etc.
Money was always an issue - I knew by about 7 not to ask for book fair money or anything like that as it caused more stress. We had good shoes, clothes, educational school trips (not extracurricular stuff like the end of Y6 trip).
She says we never went without, but most days out (museums etc) were with grandparents.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

Yeah, my mum did similar.

When my son self harmed I did basic first aid (superficial harm) and ensured he got to his therapist meetings.

I also told him I loved him.

You sound like a wonderful mum. I'm pregnant at the moment so I think I'm thinking about a lot of stuff from childhood that I don't want to repeat.

I'm so sorry you had to go through that on your own. When school told me that my DC was self harming, I did what others here did. Got her into therapy and told her I loved her. You sound like you very much have your priorities right. Congratulations on your pregnancy

I am currently not reacting until I can figure out if the lines of blood inside sports socks mean what I'm afraid they mean. And if they do, it will be reassurance and trying to help. Definitely not giving out to her.

It sounds like you had a difficult childhood. It also sounds like your mum struggled to cope with everything and so took things out on you. Her reaction sounds callous to me and I can understand why you might feel sad about your childhood. Have you thought about counselling to try to pick it all apart and try to make sense of it all?

Sounds like she panicked and called the aunt. It's so hard parenting alone.

I can't look at my childrens self harm. You love them so much it's really really hard to see them hurt themselves.

My parents did similar. When my mum saw the cuts she looked at me in disgust and told me to never do that again. At one point I cut myself really badly, my dad just sneered at me and said ‘you’ll regret that when you’re older’. Money was also an issue for us which I found strange as both my parents worked full time, my dad was on a decent wage, we had a very cheap council house (which they bought for 8k), and we had no luxuries. They were both very heavy smokers and drinkers though, they just pissed their money up the wall. I was like you in that I didn’t even bring up anything school related that required money. In my class photos (which other people post on fb because my parents never bought any), I was the only child without a school uniform. I was also never allowed a book at the book fair. Back then they didn’t have the rule that school trips had to be all inclusive, if you didn’t pay you didn’t go. On two occasions I was the only person in the class whose parents wouldn’t pay, the school didn’t know what to do with me so put me in isolation with the naughty kids and I had to do work all day whilst my classmates were on the trips.

@OldWivesTale

It sounds like you had a difficult childhood. It also sounds like your mum struggled to cope with everything and so took things out on you. Her reaction sounds callous to me and I can understand why you might feel sad about your childhood. Have you thought about counselling to try to pick it all apart and try to make sense of it all?

I've had quite a bit (including about a year when I was 19/20ish that really focused on both my parents and essentially lowering my expectations in future). I accept them as people, who like us all gave flaws, but theirs got in the way of their parenting. Just sometimes a memory like thus surfaces and I wonder how other parents would react.

@TowandaForever

Sounds like she panicked and called the aunt. It's so hard parenting alone.

I can't look at my childrens self harm. You love them so much it's really really hard to see them hurt themselves.

I would have totally understood her calling my Nan (who was like a second mother and very involved) for support. Phoning my dad's brother, who I saw twice a year, was a bit bizarre.

My mum sounds very similar to yours, she was also a psychiatric nurse all her days yet really struggled with her own MH and eventually mine and my brother's. Some of it I put down to her on/off depression and also partly because I think that's how society patented at the time maybe?

I'm now NC, but when you have your own child and start to consider what sort of parent you'd like to be etc, it can bring up a lot of things you'd repressed. I highly recommend The book you wish your parents had read, and that your children will thank you for reading by Phillipa Perry.

Not self harm in my case but similar in that my mother was a nasty, shaming cow over my (very much non life threatening) eating disorder. Shaming, making it all about herself, blabbing to relatives.

I have teen daughters now. I cannot imagine treating them like she did me. But then my other evicted me from the family when I was an adult for speaking out about abuse, so that sums up her maternal instinct.

Sorry, Op. sounds horrible.

I don't know how long ago it was, this reaction from your mother. But I'd say that society's attitude to mental health has changed massively in a very short period of time. Expecially since the pandemic. It was becoming more of a thing before that, but still not a topic that was widely acknowledged. It was not acknowledged openly. Families kept it secret. And if a family member died by suicide, it was talked about in hushed tones. They wouldn't want to admit there was "mental problems" in their families.So in that light, it's not surprising your mother's reaction was as it was. Of course it was not a helpful reaction from your point of view, but it might help to understand where she was at. Self-harm was not seen as anything other than suicide attempts. It wasn't widely understood that it can be a coping mechanism, and actually can signify the person wants to live, rather than wants to die.

If my child (nowadays) disclosed they had self-harmed, or if I discovered it by accident, I think I'd be very sad, but like to think I'd react in a way that put the child's interests first.

@CaddieDawg

My mum sounds very similar to yours, she was also a psychiatric nurse all her days yet really struggled with her own MH and eventually mine and my brother's. Some of it I put down to her on/off depression and also partly because I think that's how society patented at the time maybe?

I'm now NC, but when you have your own child and start to consider what sort of parent you'd like to be etc, it can bring up a lot of things you'd repressed. I highly recommend The book you wish your parents had read, and that your children will thank you for reading by Phillipa Perry.

Thank you, I will definitely check out that book.

I do get worried as sometimes when I'm very stressed I've snapped at DH or the dog. I've felt absolutely awful and apologised immediately but I don't want to become my mum. I don't think pregnancy hormones are helping!

@Changethetoner

I don't know how long ago it was, this reaction from your mother. But I'd say that society's attitude to mental health has changed massively in a very short period of time. Expecially since the pandemic. It was becoming more of a thing before that, but still not a topic that was widely acknowledged. It was not acknowledged openly. Families kept it secret. And if a family member died by suicide, it was talked about in hushed tones. They wouldn't want to admit there was "mental problems" in their families.So in that light, it's not surprising your mother's reaction was as it was. Of course it was not a helpful reaction from your point of view, but it might help to understand where she was at. Self-harm was not seen as anything other than suicide attempts. It wasn't widely understood that it can be a coping mechanism, and actually can signify the person wants to live, rather than wants to die.

If my child (nowadays) disclosed they had self-harmed, or if I discovered it by accident, I think I'd be very sad, but like to think I'd react in a way that put the child's interests first.

2003/2004. Not that long ago.

I had friends with MH problems who were shepherded to counselling and other support.

I tried accessing an afterschool counselling service but got lots of questions when she found out and stopped ("what are you going to that for then? I don't see why you'd need that. I bend over backwards for you..." etc).

Some mums are caught off guard because they're still in the mindset that will tear anybody limb from limb who so much as breathes on their 'baby' - but suddenly, there's all this instinct screaming 'my baby is hurt, I must protect her from this attack' when there isn't anybody else doing it. And their reaction is horror and anger and pain because they've spent the last 14+ years doing everything they can, then they see some of the worst injuries done by the child they tried so hard to keep safe, warm, fed and happy. So they've failed, their child is hurt, but in a way they can't protect against.

That's where I think the 'doing this to me' comes from.

When I've had to give first aid, I don't feel that panic and pain and fear, because it's not my child. But when mine did it, it was absolutely visceral. I didn't show it (had been well trained) but it still felt it. her father called me a psychotic bitch who needed locking up for not losing my shit at her though

My mum kicked the shit out of me when she found out I was self harming at 13, continued until I was 26. She also said they were only scratches so I ended up doing it a lot worse and am now badly scarred.

So sorry to everyone that’s suffered not only the self harming but having shit parents that couldn’t deal with it.

We’re currently going through this with dd2. She’s only 12. Can’t really believe that she would want to do this. School are aware and she’s been talking to a lovely nurse who’s been really helpful. Had one letter from the health authority and then radio silence so assume no further help from that quarter.

Was an utter, awful shock. The thought of my lovely little girl being driven to do that to herself. Outwardly she’s her usual bubbly self so it’s hard to reconcile. We’ve respected her boundaries and told her we love her and we’ll support her however she needs us to but that obviously we hope she won’t do it anymore. We’re not really sure why she started, could be a combination of small things becoming too much but we know she got the idea from social media. It’s become the norm to be proud of your mental health scars which unfortunately just seems to normalise the self harm.

Apart from that we deal with it by not dealing with it, really. We don’t mention it, unless to check she’s alright. The advice is not to do anything; not to demand to see it or that she has to stop etc. She says she’s promised her best friend that she won’t do it anymore. We just have to hope that that’s the case.

Sorry, that was rambling! That’s how we’re dealing with it anyway. I’m so sorry your parents were so shit.