No friends as a 38 year old mum of 2

[IWasFunBeforeMum]

I'm sure there's lots of threads on this but curious to hear the opinions of strangers..

I'm 38 and moved back to my home area shortly before having my first born (she's now nearly 4) so didn't know any school people anymore. By the time she was 9 months I was pregnant again with my son.

I don't regret having 2 so close together one bit but I felt the couple of mum friends I made with my first child didn't understand the strain of having a newborn so quickly after and juggling the two. I went out with one particular 'friend' (I use the term loosely) and my son had a bit of a meltdown and she literally walked off and made it clear she didn't want to be around me with kids behaving like that (my daughter is an angel and so is son for the most part!). It made me feel like crap and I don't feel like I've ever really got over that, which sounds terribly dramatic I know..

Fast forward through lockdown and I've found myself with no friends at all. I always had a very good social life before with holidays, weekends etc with friends who I've lost contact with after having kids unfortunately as they don't have any. I see plenty of my family (no other kids) which is a blessing.

When I've been to a couple of baby groups I don't feel like I can ever really concentrate on a conversation with 2 crazy toddlers running about. And anyway none of the convos ever evolve into anything more. I feel like I've given up even trying to be honest which makes me sad. My partner is great but works funny hours so I'm alone in the evenings a lot.

To add insult the woman I thought was a friend when I do see her tells me all about the friends she has and the stuff they do and it feels cruel, like she's enjoying keeping all her friends in little boxes and keeps them for herself whereas I've always been the more the merrier in life!

The kids go to nursery and love it but there's never an opportunity to properly speak to other parents - people are in a rush to drop off/collect so I've never managed any links that way.

I'm not sure while typing this what answers I'm looking for... Perhaps to know I'm not alone or confirmation that my only so-called friend is acting a bit mean. Do I completely cut ties with this woman? Any other mums with very close in age struggled?

Apologies for the high-school sounding politics - I think I'm in a rut and don't know how to break my thought process of it all. Sorry for ramblings.

Maybe it's worth broadening your net for friends. Mum-friends can be great, but sometimes it's a struggle as really all you have in common is pushing out a baby at around the same time.

Can you try a hobby group or something like MeetUp to find like-minded people?

I only have one child so can't really comment on the 2 close together thing. However, I moved back 'home' after living away for a decade when DC was 1. I did it for family support which I got but Christ I was lonely. I didn't make any links through nursery but I've gradually built up some good friendships via school now DC's a bit older. And through my job too. I haven't really got any advice but your post kind of resonated with me and I thought I'd give it a bump for you.

As a PP said , join a group for like minded people.

I definately found it quite easy to join a couple of groups doing activities I enjoy and then of course you've got things in common with the other group members and then it just grows from there.

Can you see this friend without the children there?

She may not realise that you want her to introduce you to her other friends, have you asked?

Try some exercise classes on the weekend? Join the WI?

When your 4yr old starts school, you will have opportunities to get to know lots of school mums. There a lot more hanging around, plus parties, at school than at nursery.

I would ditch this 'friend's how rude of her?! Kids sometimes misbehave she should support you not walk away from you. I'd rather have 0 friends than one like this op. Can you join so.e gym classes? I met some people at my local gym and lost weight and felt good at the same time :)

It’s so hard to make friends when you get older. I’ve found making friends with people just because our kids are the same age is not a recipe for lasting friendships

Your friend is an arsehole.

Do you work? All my friends are from work or past jobs.

Those women you meet at school or playgroups are not friends. I always found it excruciating making conversation with women at these playgroups when the only thing we had in common was our children.

I am like you, a little older, and not really a fit with the younger mums. I quickly realised what the playground dynamic was and stopped trying.

I used to be a parent helper and made friends through school with like minded mums, but I was never close to any of them. As my children got older and made friends with other children I got to know some of the mums that way.

It is not easy

Thanks for the advice about a hobby outside of the family. Evenings are out really and weekends again my partner works so it can be hard to commit to a regular thing. I do have a lovely part time job with 5 employees, all older than me but I get along with them well but no real scope for friendships outside work.

I haven't asked the other woman to include me no. Thanks for all your advice.

@IWasFunBeforeMum

Thanks for the advice about a hobby outside of the family. Evenings are out really and weekends again my partner works so it can be hard to commit to a regular thing. I do have a lovely part time job with 5 employees, all older than me but I get along with them well but no real scope for friendships outside work.

I haven't asked the other woman to include me no. Thanks for all your advice.

It would be a good idea to carve out some leisure time for yourself - it's not that healthy to have nothing outside family life and work. (Plus it doesn't make you that interesting to spend time with.) Can you really not have a couple of hours an evening a week, or at the weekend?

Does your partner have any leisure time for hobbies or socialising?

I would let the one friendship you have slide - she's not bringing you joy. All she's doing is drawing your own anxieties about your lack of a social life into sharp focus. I know this because I have a friend like this too!

I would try and volunteer somewhere or get a job. Then, you will be around people regularly and this will help. Especially if it's a client facing position. As your life fills with people, you will become less conscious and worried about this false friend and your life will hopefully begin to fill with more positive people.

Good luck, it is hard - I could have written your post this time last year!

Ah, sorry - I've just seen your post about already having a job!

I do have hobbies (that I do online such as reselling) and without sounding defensive I'm definitely not a boring person! If anything I think being fairly outspoken is why this woman isn't keen on me - she wouldn't say boo to a goose. Perhaps I'm too much when I meet people! When I do get a couple of hours it's so precious I don't bother involving anyone else in case it's just stifled conversation. My partner has a season ticket for football so he escapes a few times a month for that which is never begrudge him.

Evenings are out really and weekends again my partner works so it can be hard to commit to a regular thing
Your partner needs to step up and make sure that you can have a social life, or time to yourself. My exh used to work constantly, leaving me to do everything and acting as if he did not have a family. Now I have a partner who is less selfish, and it has been eye-opening. I wouldn't want to be put last again, and I'm sorry that's the experience the children had too.

Do you think you were upset at the criticism of your children/parenting because everything is down to you and you never get any help? Or is there another reason why that got to you especially?

Can you instigate something at the nursery. Like leave a note with your number at the door. Just saying you're keen to meet your children's friends. I strongly suspect there will be others at the nursery in your position. Then organise a very casual park meet up one afternoon. Judy Just to set the ball rolling. You could ask the nursery staff of your children have a particular friend they play with, then invite them over for a play date.

@IWasFunBeforeMum

I do have hobbies (that I do online such as reselling) and without sounding defensive I'm definitely not a boring person! If anything I think being fairly outspoken is why this woman isn't keen on me - she wouldn't say boo to a goose. Perhaps I'm too much when I meet people! When I do get a couple of hours it's so precious I don't bother involving anyone else in case it's just stifled conversation. My partner has a season ticket for football so he escapes a few times a month for that which is never begrudge him.

But online selling isn't going to make you friends. Or isn't so far.

Part of the purpose of carving out a couple of hours a week to go out for a hobby or socialising, would be to make friends. Lack of whom is what you're complaining about. And yes, sometimes stifled conversation would happen. But if you're not trying, then nothing is going to happen.

If you want parent friends then nursery is your best bet, but I agree it's hard to strike up conversation at the door (especially with covid restrictions etc). Is there a WhatsApp group for the room your DC are in? If there isn't, you could set one up? Nursery should be happy to pop a piece of paper with your number in each bag (that's what one parent did at our nursery - and we were v grateful for the initiative, didn't think she was pushy or anything). And now people will drop a message on their days off, asking if anyone wants to meet up a the park or softplay, or shares links to playgroups/classes that they're going to. I think everyone with toddlers has struggled to make the 'usual' connections over the past year or two. We've now progressed to planning evenings out

But I agree parent friends and friend-friends aren't always the same thing. Your old/childfree friends will be happy to hear from you if you reach out, I reckon, and you're allowed an evening out every now and then.

@Jesskir89

I would ditch this 'friend's how rude of her?! Kids sometimes misbehave she should support you not walk away from you. I'd rather have 0 friends than one like this op. Can you join so.e gym classes? I met some people at my local gym and lost weight and felt good at the same time :)

Wow that's great! Sadly I'm not a gym person 🤣 I was hurt when she just walked off. I didn't even want to catch up with her. I think it's best I cut her off, the way she treats me doesn't seem good for me.

@ravenmum

Evenings are out really and weekends again my partner works so it can be hard to commit to a regular thing Your partner needs to step up and make sure that you can have a social life, or time to yourself. My exh used to work constantly, leaving me to do everything and acting as if he did not have a family. Now I have a partner who is less selfish, and it has been eye-opening. I wouldn't want to be put last again, and I'm sorry that's the experience the children had too.

Do you think you were upset at the criticism of your children/parenting because everything is down to you and you never get any help? Or is there another reason why that got to you especially?

He steps up 99% of the time - his job is basically on call so he could be called out at any time so he does that best he can. I get plenty of help from my parents which is a blessing. I think it upset me because I thought me and her were friends and the walking off hurt me because there was no attempt to stay and help or make light of it etc. I would NEVER leave a parent I'm out with while they're dealing with that. I'd say can I do anything, or try and distract the child. I think she makes me feel similar feelings to that of a toxic partner - I feel used. She sets stuff up when it suits her then drops me. And then behaves like that when we were out. I think typing this it's clear her treatment of me isn't healthy for me.

@TellMeSomeGoodNewsPlease

If you want parent friends then nursery is your best bet, but I agree it's hard to strike up conversation at the door (especially with covid restrictions etc). Is there a WhatsApp group for the room your DC are in? If there isn't, you could set one up? Nursery should be happy to pop a piece of paper with your number in each bag (that's what one parent did at our nursery - and we were v grateful for the initiative, didn't think she was pushy or anything). And now people will drop a message on their days off, asking if anyone wants to meet up a the park or softplay, or shares links to playgroups/classes that they're going to. I think everyone with toddlers has struggled to make the 'usual' connections over the past year or two. We've now progressed to planning evenings out

But I agree parent friends and friend-friends aren't always the same thing. Your old/childfree friends will be happy to hear from you if you reach out, I reckon, and you're allowed an evening out every now and then.

Yes, this happened at our nursery and we were grateful.

I think typing this it's clear her treatment of me isn't healthy for me
Glad that you've realised it! I was wondering more why her criticism seemed to have hit a sore spot, with you feeling really hurt (as if she was right) rather than annoyed at her for being unpleasant for no reason. These things hurt more when you're overstretched. Maybe that's it?

Being on call is a pain, and takes a very patient partner - my MIL used to do it, and it really helped that her dh supported her. But they both had their own time. Support your dh, yes, but do make sure that he supports you back! If he can't offer regular support, then use the time he has your back to do irregular activities, and maybe try to get your parents to help you at regular times a hobby would fit into?

I didn't use to be a sporty person, but now I have a running group I meet up with - they are not sporty people either. Maybe try something new for a change, rather than giving yourself a label?

@AngelicaElizaAndPeggy

I would let the one friendship you have slide - she's not bringing you joy. All she's doing is drawing your own anxieties about your lack of a social life into sharp focus. I know this because I have a friend like this too!

I would try and volunteer somewhere or get a job. Then, you will be around people regularly and this will help. Especially if it's a client facing position. As your life fills with people, you will become less conscious and worried about this false friend and your life will hopefully begin to fill with more positive people.

Good luck, it is hard - I could have written your post this time last year!

Yes I agree. She just makes me feel used and rubbish. And I think she is making my attitude towards other women/mums bad because I assume any links I do make I'll be treated the same. It's very very nice to know my position isn't rare and it's hopefully not a way I'll feel forever 🤞

I cannot believe your friend walked off. To be honest I would of told her and then cut ties!.

Once your DD starts school you are likely to meet mum friends, its taken me a while to make just the 1 mum friend. (Covid has not helped). Make an effort send d party invites even if it's just a small gathering and attend others.

As you get older I guess it's hard as other people have usually established long term friendships at 38.

I have struggled to make lasting friendships since having children. I realised recently with my mum friends it’s always me suggesting and arranging meet ups and coffee. Would wait weeks and weeks for them to text me and suggest meeting up. I’ve found it really difficult at times and been quite sad about it. 💐 it’s not easy.