Is my bf bi?

[Covidtrap]

I have this gut feeling something is a bit a miss with my bf. Im just asking for advice as not sure if im paranoid and overlooking things or if u also think this behaviour is a bit strange. I have directly asked him before if he is gay/bi stating i would rather he was honest i wpuld understand and he has strongly denied it. He is quite a soft spoken smaller guy, did ballet and was a professional dancer as a child, always seems to attract male attention in particular gay men and its like his persona changes. A few examples:
At my friends wedding we both dont know anyone. He us say beside this couple with their kids i was at top table. The guy comments he has a lovely soft voice. I then notice my partener casually glancing over alot at his table in the evening do when we swapped tables. He would then get up to dance when he did. My partener then asks me do u think hes staying over tonight too? I responded by saying idk he hasnt spoke to me. My partener then goes missing for ages and i find the guy in question he approaches me and says oh.. mikes (my bf name change) a lovely guy isnt he tell me a bit more about him whats he like. I just looked puzzled and got a bit angry like sorry u havent spoken to me all night who are u and why do u want me to tell about my bf.
Next we are at a restaurant the waitor is very smiley with him doesnt even acknowledge or make eye contact with me looks directly at him and i found this rude as even when i was ordering him and my partener where just smiling at each other. He then goes off to find this specific waitor to to order another drink rather than call someone over and walked past closer ones. The waitor then takes the food of the waitress that was bringing our food over to take it himself and again asks my partner how he is hows things going. So we pay and are about to leave and he says hold on we should go say bye and thank u. I just looked at him puzzled like just say a general thanks. He then insists on waiting for this on guy to say bye.
Another similar incident in a restaurant pretty sure i saw him check out the waitor. He was then cleaning the table behind and bf just sat staring for a while then did a swift side glance as he walked by. The waitor did the same thing just made eye contact with partener never acknowledged me when ordering or if food was okay just asked partener. Bf then insisted on going back in to tip him with money he had in the car and was gone for 5/10 mins.
Last incident we where at a petrol station and i hear this guy say 'wtf r u looking at'i then hear parteners voice say just checking out ur car. The guy then says hmm yh well look somewhere else next time.
Idk maybe i am overthinking. Ive never had this strange feeling or vibe though with previous parteners. I do seem to notice him looking at guys or commenting hes a good looking guy isnt he. Not sure what i should do about this i cant seem to get over it as more and more little things make me think. Am i massively over reacting? Would u stay?

I'd leave purely because you don't trust him. He could just be friendly.

He is quite a soft spoken smaller guy, did ballet and was a professional dancer as a child, always seems to attract male attention in particular gay men and its like his persona changes.

Surely the question is not whether he's bi but whether you trust him not to cheat?

Being bi isn't a reason to dump someone.

@TaraR2020 i trust him not to cheat but ive never had this strange feeling about a guy before. What would bother me more is if someone is being honest with me or not about themselves in general.

It sounds like it from his behaviour around men, yes. He also sounds very disrespectful to you to be doing this when he's in a relationship with you. I would find openly checking out and flirting with other people, either men or women quite sleezy, and would not continue the relationship.

@TaraR2020

Surely the question is not whether he's bi but whether you trust him not to cheat?

Being bi isn't a reason to dump someone.

Checking them out and flirting when with OP is though.

OK so its fair to feel unhappy if you feel your dp isn't being honest with you, obviously. But if he is bi (or gay) maybe this is something he hasn't come to terms with himself yet? He might be figuring things out, in which case it's unfair to push him into a corner.

As to his behaviour, regardless of sexuality do you feel its respectful to you or not? Would you feel the same way if the other men in your examples had been women?

How you answer I think is telling about how your level of trust and security in this relationship.

[quote Covidtrap]@TaraR2020 i trust him not to cheat but ive never had this strange feeling about a guy before. What would bother me more is if someone is being honest with me or not about themselves in general.[/quote]
Maybe he doesn't know himself if he's bi?

Plus it's really none of your business.

Not flirting when he's with you and remaining faithful throughout your relationship is your business and that has nothing to do with whether he might/might not be bisexual.

@5128gap i think thats it its making me feel a bit uncomfortable. If he behaved the same way around a woman i would be annoyed and of said its disrespectful and probably ended things but because hes not openly told me he is bi or gay or whatever im thinking am i over reacting in my head. Its a strange situation to be in

I end up seemingly flirting with men and women, it's a personality trait I guess? I'm heterosexual. I'm not attracted sexually to these people, but find I usually hit it off with someone and there's a sort of chemistry there, if that makes sense? Again, not sexual, not inappropriate, it's really difficult to explain as it's friendly conversation and interaction, but I can see why it would look strange if you didn't know me. I thoroughly enjoy meeting new and interesting people, and because I am so interested in learning about them/different walks of life I absolutely see how it could look like I was interested, more than what I am. Sit me next to someone at a wedding, and by the end of the evening I'll know their third cousins dog walkers name, and we will be having a dinner party next Friday.
I met my very best friend by being stuck together as strangers with absolutely nothing in common - 8 years later and I'm her maid of honour in January.
He may just be a people pleaser, or an outgoing person. I don't think the fact he did dance or speaks softly is anything to do with anything at all. I have a lot of gay and bi family/friends, they don't all fit a stereotype 🙄

Then I think that's your answer op. If its behaviour that's the issue, remove any questions about sexuality from it and deal with that.

Cya

OP you are totally justified feeling the way you do.

Two issues:

1. What sounds like inappropriate flirting with men
2. Unresolved issues in relation to his sexuality possibly

Tired of this rhetoric that OP has to be happy dating someone bi even if her boyfriend isn't open about it. People can have whatever dating preferences she wants and if someone is confused about their sexuality still, they don't typically make a good long term partner as they are still exploring & finding themselves. That's the main reason it's not a good idea dating someone who seems unsure about their sexuality.

[quote Covidtrap]@5128gap i think thats it its making me feel a bit uncomfortable. If he behaved the same way around a woman i would be annoyed and of said its disrespectful and probably ended things but because hes not openly told me he is bi or gay or whatever im thinking am i over reacting in my head. Its a strange situation to be in[/quote]
The situations you describe sound like interest in the men. Clearly the man at the garage felt that way too. I would be very unhappy if a stranger male or female called out my partner on staring at them. His behaviour is embarrassing.

I understand what you're saying. It's not to do with whether he may be bi or gay but that by explicitly stating he isn't you don't know how to interpret the behaviour. Ending a relationship if he's just being very friendly would seem like an over reaction but if his behaviour is actually flirting you would end the relationship because the behaviour is disrespectful.

I think you have to follow your gut whilst acknowledging you could be mistaken about what's going on.

He doesn't sound bi he sounds closeted gay to me. I would dump him based on your suspicions anyway he doesn't sound very trustworthy.

So, aside from the ridiculous and offensive stereotyping of men who aren't heterosexual ("soft spoken smaller guy, did ballet", come on!), your partner:

1. Was friendly to some people at a wedding
2. Was friendly to hospitality staff
3. Briefly glanced at another member of hospitality staff, then went back to tip them
4. Looked at someone's car

I mean, yeah, maybe your husband is conducting bisexual affairs with waiters and wedding guests and people on petrol forecourts right in front of your face, but it seems a LOT more likely that you've got a weird idea of masculinity stuck in your head and because he did ballet as a kid you've become hyperaware of things you think might point to his bisexuality, to the point where you're now mistaking basic friendliness for him apparently blatantly hitting on guys in front of you.

Do you trust him, or not? If you don't, break up with him. It's irrelevant whether he's bi (and he has said he's not).

If you do, stop analysing every tiny interaction he has with people in public, because you trust him not to cheat anyway.

“ Being bi isn't a reason to dump someone. ”

Checking them out and flirting when with OP is though.

Well, quite. He’s being disrespectful with these actions, whatever his orientation.

@scarpa i applogise if you think i was creating some sort of sterotype i am well aware that doesnt exist. I do trust him i dont believe he would cheat but like @daffodils123 explained its if someone is unsure or confused about their sexuality they may not make good long term partners as could still be exploring and finding themselves. I have dated many friendly people before but this to me just feels different and i cant put my finger on it.
I may well be over reacting, my ex was a secret drug addict and i was constantly having gut feelings until everytime i found substances and eventually that ended after multiple chances. I do worry i have altered my mind set from that relationship where i do now worry to much and i am worried about being lied to after that 5 year experience and find myself more suspicious of behaviour.

@TaraR2020

Surely the question is not whether he's bi but whether you trust him not to cheat?

Being bi isn't a reason to dump someone.

Yes it is, you can dump someone for any single reason you like, it doesn’t need to be justified. And I say that as a bi person.

Naunet yes of course can, but if you read my other posts you might see that I was looking to get at the heart of the issue.

Speaking as a bisexual woman married to a man, I think that a lot of this stems from you feeling insecure in the relationship from the way you've worded things. All of these situations sound like someone who is just naturally friendly. In the politest way what is the chance that all of the men in this situation would have also been interested and flirted back hence him going back for further interaction with this motive? You sound a little over suspicious and guarded but it's hard to gauge whether this is due to your BF actions or past experience from your OP.

I think its important to realise if he was in fact bisexual, it is unlikely he'd be flirting and exploring this in front of you. Especially if he hasn't come to terms with it or is trying to hide it.

I would never flirt with any gender in front of my DH (or behind his back for that matter!).

However, if you truly feel like he is bisexual and it makes you uncomfortable I dated a man who I had suspected of being bisexual who was adamant at the time he was not. Like you it was odd little things, like his interactions around other men and his way of responding in certain situations. He is now openly bisexual and I am happy for him. At the time I ended things as I recognised that he was struggling with this and wanted to give him room to work out how he felt about things. If he had been openly bisexual it wouldn't have bothered me at all!

How long have you been together? How old is he?

Despite a lot more public acceptance than previous decades, it can still be hard for young men to come out, especially if their families are "traditional" and/or religious.

Everything you've said would ping my gaydar.

The over attention to men when out with you is really disrespectful. "staying to say thanks and goodbye" nooooo. Ime this always translates to "I want to find a way of getting their number" - sorry.

I'm bisexual. When I was young and not out (back in the last century 😂) I used to flirt with women while out with male partners. I'm not proud of it - I think I probably came across as a creep on more than one occasion. I was literally trying to come out. In public. It's awful behaviour but speaking to my bi and gay friends, it's not unusual.

@OnlyaMummy thank you for ur input. I am aware i may well be over suspicious due to past experiences which is why i appreciate everyones opinion. I think like u said u just know when something is off. It just seems more than being friendly id catch him looking back over his shoulder looking around the room a few times until he seen the person then a little smile. I dont think he realises how observant i am. I have dated multiple partners and something just sits differently with him. @EvenMoreFuriousVexation we have only been dating 10 months. Hes recently divorced and myself out of a bad relationship. I would much rather someone being open i hate feeling paranoid and i know i will end up ruining the relationship.

Also hes mid 30s

Is he just like this with men he says are good looking, or is he equally friendly/flirtatious with everyone? It sounds more gay than bi/curious behaviour, but then if he's bgay then you'd think it might show in the bedroom as a lack of passion with you.

Whatever is going on, he shouldn't be perving on other people, male or female. You're obviously picking up on it, and so are the blokes he's eyeing up, so there must be something to it.

Or maybe he's in some kind of Fight Club thing where he gives other members a nod and a wink but isn't allowed to talk about it?