Guide me in the right direction

[soulsearch]

I had to name change for this sensitive topic.
I am not sure how can i support my husband and myself who is getting very angry after getting drunk and calling me names etc.

The reason i have chosen to support him rather than leaving as this behaviour started since he started new job in senior management which I can see is very stressful and he had fallen out with his parents/ siblings because of some money problems between them around the same time he got this job. They owed him money but looks like he wont get anything back now, might be out of inheritance/will etc too.

I was carry on ignoring it but it starting to bother me now . I don't want to separate and be there for him just to make sure I tried everything to support him before filing divorce etc.
I talked about counselling and he laughed. He does not believe in such stuff apparently and does not think nothing is wrong with him.

We got three children and he adores them. Taking them to clubs, private tutions ,doing school runs , walks etc.

I can't believe how quickly he gets so angry and irritable on small things and then blame on me that I am inciting all this.

I am not sure whether I am dealing this properly at all . I mean i get angry , upset and sad when we argue but in the morning everything gets back to normal and feel like nothing is happened. This is not normal.
If i am that upset and worried now that I have to write here and then why am i not holding any grudge , anger anything next morning.

I must admit when he calls me something bad and then i call him same thing back so its back and forth.
we both work full time.

His drinking: He drinks on four days a week and carry on drinking until he get drunk ( roughly 16 big beer cans and one/two wine bottles weekly )and dont start drinking till 6 pm . I dont know whether I am ok to call him alcoholic or not. I dont drink so i dont know whether I am worrying about his alcohol, carry on bickering about his health , liver etc making it worse for him.

Background on our relationship:I look after family finances , laundry and do cooking etc. He does the cleaning ,school runs etc. I never feel that he is controlling and I have the freedom to do whatever I like with my life etc as I belong to ethnic minority group where controlling husbands s are considered to norm , but that's another cultural issue .

If I dont say anything about his drinking and behaviour then there is no argument. I can see why he believes that I am the one who initiate conversation on alcohol, his behaviour but how am i supposed to tell him how i feel ?
Sometimes I also feel like may be I am getting overly worried about his health.

I would appreciate any guidance, please be kind and I might not sound perfect

anyone ??

Think about the horrible, damaging example all of this is setting for your children. Being raised in a home with an abusive alcoholic will tarnish their lives forever.

There is nothing you can do to help or fix your husband, that's all on him. The only responsible action is to leave him.

This sounds a difficult situation. On the one hand, your DH seems to be doing his fair share within your partnership but you should not be living your life on eggshells in case his temper is aroused.
So do you only argue either when he has drunk alcohol or you are criticising his drinking? Certainly some would class him as a functioning alcoholic but with 3 days a week of no drinking, it sounds like he feels he has his drinking under control.
Having pressure from work and his family is likely to make him short-tempered but he needs to find other ways to cope- not alcohol or arguing with you.
Explain that you empathise with his situation (and that you still love him?) but ask him how things will be in six months/a year... Explain that, if nothing changes, the only option is to separate. If this conversation only leads to a row, write it down and let him read and absorb your opinion in his own time.
Maybe he will then consider counselling. Something has to change and he needs to understand that.

That sounds awful for you.

He shouldn't be responding to you like this. I don't know if he would respond differently if you approached it differently but that's for you to decide as he doesn't sound like he deserves to have you in his life.

Have you considered counseling for yourself? I think that would be more helpful than anyone suggesting that you do this or that, not that talking isn't always helpful.

yes arguments only happens when he is drunk or I criticise his drinking, otherwise no arguments at all , he gets agitated that I am controlling him by asking him to cut his drinking.
I don't understand his drinking , I will look into functioning alcoholic.

I will try different approach and speak to him and explain if he does not change I will be looking to separate. I looked at counselling options so will book one , if he decide to go with me thats fine otherwise I will go myself.

The reason I want to be there for him as he was not like this before. He is introvert.He was there when i had my ups down with post natal depression, mood swings etc. we are married for eleven years , I love him so trying my best to be there for him when he needs me. Hopefully it explains this why I am trying to fix it.