Am I expecting too much

[Orangetractor]

Will try to keep this brief

Me and DP have been together 11 months. I have always struggled with relationships, I was neglected and emotionally abused in childhood, come to some big realisations about that this year and am currently on the waiting list for counselling. Tend to go for men who abuse me in some way.
Another thing that has been mentioned by the therapist who assessed me is Borderline Personality Disorder and without going into too much detail about what that is, when I read up about it, it was like reading the story of my life and I could make sense in my head why certain things in my life may have turned out the way they did due to this.
So anyway, DP is very juvenile although 5 years older than me has zero life experiences, no partner before me for 10yrs and in his words - spent most of his 20s hid away playing computer games. I feel like he is not emotionally ready to go through this process with me, I'm going to have a lot to work through when I start counselling.
So on Friday night I could not sleep, I had to get up for work at 4am and spent from 10pm to 3am awake. I left the bedroom and went downstairs because I wanted silence and thought if I was alone maybe I would sleep better. I didn't. The next morning I was foul, I was in such a bad mood and got ready for work silently (not angry at him). Later in the day I apologised to him for causing an atmosphere and explained sometimes I really struggle to regulate my emotion and that I was struggling with my mh recently and really feel like I am struggling to cope. I am struggling with who I am, all my life choices, relationships with my parents whilst trying to Co parent with an ex. I feel sometimes the only reason I am still here is because I don't want my son to think he wasn't good enough.
He made all the right noises about supporting me and he's there for me etc. I haven't seen him in person since then but he's texting me useless small talk and not even acknowledging this conversation happened and I don't know if I am being unreasonable or if I am expecting too much of him to ask how I'm feeling etc. It's just "How's work" "what did you have for tea" "what you up to". This has been an issue for me for a while he texts me like a teenager, and I have spoken with him about this. He won't ring me either.
So I guess what I'm asking is if that was your DP, would you carry on like this conversation hadn't happened? Or would you be having more in depth conversation? I'm not sure if this is just the straw that broke the camels back tbh as because he has no life experience (never been on holiday, never even been out for a meal with a partner before, or gone to a safari park, or a Christmas Market, or a garden centre, etc) it feels like we have nothing in common and nothing to talk about. But the fact I am struggling so much and he carries on like nothing is happening is really bothering me.

Have you raised the subject with him?

He possibly just thinks you slept badly and were a bit grumpy.

Yes, spoke with him the next day and explained the reason I could not sleep was because I was thinking about everything, and that I was feeling unable to cope at the moment

So anyway, DP is very juvenile although 5 years older than me has zero life experiences, no partner before me for 10yrs and in his words - spent most of his 20s hid away playing computer games.

I could have stopped reading right there. Why waste your time like this? You have a child's well-being and future to consider, your standards should be much higher than this.

I'm not sure that I would want to carry on that discussion OP, so perhaps you're expecting too much there. However in general it sounds like you have a lot of emotional needs, which will require a highly perceptive and empathetic partner. Other things you say as well make me think this guy isnt emotionally mature enough to deal with your situation.
(Also the computer games would make him a no-go for me.)

@LalalalalalaLand123

I'm not sure that I would want to carry on that discussion OP, so perhaps you're expecting too much there. However in general it sounds like you have a lot of emotional needs, which will require a highly perceptive and empathetic partner. Other things you say as well make me think this guy isnt emotionally mature enough to deal with your situation. (Also the computer games would make him a no-go for me.)

This. Though I was wondering what you meant by lacking life experiences, until you said — how come he’s never gone out for a meal? I can’t say I’d be bothered about whether or not someone had ever gone to a garden centre or a safari park, though?

I would also just think the conversation was over and that was that. I wouldnt bring it up during the day it carry it on over text.

I'm pretty sure I've had similar conversations with my DP. I didn't sleep, was up over-thinking all sorts of worries/stresses, I tell him about it and then that's that. As long as he acknowledges me in that moment I wouldnt expect him to bring it up again unless I instigated.

Thanks for the perspectives, in terms of the garden centre ter and safari park etc, my point was just that any time we go anywhere or do anything he says "oh wow I've never done this" and is like a child with big wide eyes when to me, those things are just totally normal? Iyswim.

I’d think the ‘useless small talk’ messages were a kind gesture of ‘thinking about you’ so you didn’t feel so alone.

It doesn’t sound as though either of you are really ready to be in a relationship

Yeah many people would be tentative about asking how you are over text and instead do small talk and possibly see if you brought it up. A highly empathetic partner as someone else said is more likely to ask directly how you are. For many it might seem intrusive if they themselves prefer to deal with issues by themselves.

That aside. It sounds like there's more than this issue, as in, he sounds like he lacks maturity and experience. Given what you're going through and what you're going to have to do (bpd is not a walk in the park to reslove) is he really right for you ?

You don’t sound like you particularly like him much so not a great foundation for a relationship. Also as much as you are allowed to be different so is he. I don’t see the big deal about the garden centre etc, how old is he? I’d say this doesn’t sound long term anyway. All the best op.

As he lacks life experience I would guess he doesn't really know what to do or how to help. That's not really his fault and doesn't sound malicious so I think you need to consider whether getting yourself worked up about it is really helping anyone.
Even someone very empathetic and caring would probably feel a bit daunted and be nervous about putting their foot in it.
My advice would be to tell him what you need from him and if he can't or won't you have an answer.
Think carefully about what you need before you talk to him.
I wish you all the best and hope things get better.

@Orangetractor

Thanks for the perspectives, in terms of the garden centre ter and safari park etc, my point was just that any time we go anywhere or do anything he says "oh wow I've never done this" and is like a child with big wide eyes when to me, those things are just totally normal? Iyswim.

See, it just sounds to me that you don't really like him. My DP has much less life experience than me, and I absolutely love experiencing those firsts with him. I get so much joy from those moments when he is all wide eyed and excited about something that is just normal for me. It has never bored me or made me feel weirded out.

Same with the small talk text messages. As other people have mentioned, I would think that was kind and his way of checking in without bringing up big emotional subjects in the middle of the day.

It just sounds like you really arent that into him, which is fine. It happens in relationships and just might mean it's time to move on and find somebody who fits more in to your life and expectations.

Who makes the rules about how much you'd be 'right' to expect?