Bit surprised with Answer with Dd in hypothetical conversation

[Basilandparsleyandmint]

So DD almost 12 were chatting earlier regarding her best friend. Her best friends parents are divorced both parents have new partner and shared custody of her.
Dd was telling me how her best friend does t like staying at her dads and much prefers to stay at her mums.
I don’t know what prompted me to ask but I did (stupid I know but 🙈) but Asked Dd how she would feel in the same situation.
She said she would care as long as she lives with the person closest to her school.
I guess I assumed as we have always been so close it would be an automatic me comment. All the years her dad has not been around at weekend doing his sport. All the years I have done everything with her and her Db.
Their DF loves them absolutely and the acts wonderful.
I guess that puts me in my place.

I think that was an inappropriate question to ask an 11year old. You were essentially asking her to choose a favourite parent to boost your own ego. That’s remarkably self centred.

And ‘all the years you’ve done everything with her’ - that’s parenting. It’s what you signed up for. You don’t get a medal.

Yes you are right - and I like I said absolutely put me in my place

I think it was a very tactful answer from an 11 year old! You put in her in a really horrible position by asking her to choose between her parents. I think you’ll also have made her feel worried about the possibility you and her father are thinking of splitting up.

She sounds like a good kid, that's an answer to be proud of.

I am very proud of her. She is a great kid. Her dad and I are happily married. I don’t know what prompted me to ask - we were talking about her friend, she had lots of questions. I was being age appropriate. Silly really and wish I hadn’t. I can’t really explain the conversation really as it was just an in the moment conversation about her friends parents and her friend situation. I was sort of trying to explain about relationships. Parents loving each try child and not each other.
However I was very silly and do know that - ugh 😩

We all fall into little traps now and then. Don't beat yourself up.

My oldest would say the same. He rolls out of bed 5 minutes before leaving. Deep down though he couldn’t live with just dh they would kill each other.

Ask silly questions though op and you’ll always get hurt.

Oh don't beat yourself up OP, we've all said silly things. Also it's very likely she just answered with an answer like that because she knew it wouldn't happen. Don't read too much into it.

to be fair she is only doing what her own parents are would be doing in that situation: thinking of no. 1.

If you two were to divorce, your child would have to put her own needs before either of you two.

Don;t do the pick me dance to your child and then be surprised when she doesn't pick you.

I don’t think you should feel put in your place, OP.

I can understand you must have had a bit of a shock, but I think your dd just gave an answer that means “I don’t want to choose.”

You should not have asked her the question, as you have said yourself. It would be tremendously upsetting for her to even think of the possibility of you and her dad splitting up.

I think I'd be trying to look at it that you've raised her to be diplomatic and independent, it's normal for teenagers to want to be where their friends are.

It sounds to me though like there are some issues with your husband that you say you love, that he is out playing sport all weekend and you do the grunt work of raising kids and then don't get any credit for it...maybe it's a wake up call not to be a martyr