Marriage imploding

[BurnieSW]

NC for this as previous threads would link and possibly out me IRL.
DH and I have been together for 10 years married for 2. Whirlwind start, had our DC very quickly (unplanned) and in hindsight I didn't know him as well as I should have done before committing.
He is overall a decent person but our relationship has been tainted throughout by his alcohol and drug abuse. Not a constant feature, but due to binges where he will go out, drink and drink, then add cocaine into the mix and all bets are off as to when he will come home and in what state. This has happened every few months throughout the relationship and has essentially turned me into a nervous wreck when he goes out due to the length of these binges which can see him not coming home til the following night if I'm lucky.
He is someone that changes completely when he drinks and the version of him that has let me down over and over, has chipped away at any romantic feelings for him to the extent I feel repulsed. He has been incredibly selfish and reckless when having these episodes and usually, apologies follow which become meaningless when he continues to do it again. This has led to me detaching emotionally which I think is some sort of self preservation. He then can't understand why I wouldn't want to have sex with him!
We are in our 40s and I just feel I want a peaceful life and some predictability. It's also a shocking example for our DC who has been protected from this (by me) as far as possible but is becoming more aware as the years go by.
I feel horrifically guilty for splitting the family up and he will be devastated. But my own mental health is at rock bottom due to the hopes he will change, which are repeatedly dashed.
I'm Catholic and we married in church. I take my wedding vows very seriously hence why I've clung on but I don't know if I can do it any more. I've told him I don't think I can go on but I feel so bad to throw away a marriage when I went into it for better or worse.
Not sure what I'm asking really but hoped for some advice from others who may have been in a similar position.

You're not throwing anything away. And he's the one ignoring his vows.

If your children are becoming aware then it's right that they're exposed to his behaviour as little as possible.

I don't know how you've lasted this long.

And from a pragmatic point of view., how much money has he wasted all this time? Money that could have been spent on his family

You need to put your children first here, and that means ending this marriage. It's your husband who has thrown it away with his behaviour, not you. Your children deserve better than a father who goes on alcohol and cocaine binges.

Hi, I’m not in a similar position, so I hope you don’t mind my comments. I don’t see you are throwing a marriage away, as from what you say you have one in name only. I truly don’t say that to hurt, he sounds a nightmare and many would have walked long before now. I can see all trust is gone, this man is selfish, irresponsible and thoughtless. What is there left in this marriage that sustains you, that gladdens your day, that lifts you up. I do wonder tho, how long , you can shelter your children from the reality that is their father. Bearing in mind your faith, you have a difficult decision ahead. You so very much deserve peace and predictability after what you’ve endured, so do your children. This isn’t about to happen with your husband. Remember the old saying…‘ nothing changes, if nothing changes’. Wishing you only the best.

I think it’s time you’ve put some boundaries in place and given him an ultimatum, either he changes, or your relationship is finished. No one wants to be in a relationship with a drug abuser and heavy drinker and no one should have to tolerate it, or the behaviour that follows.

You need to protect your child from this awful environment.

He doesn't give a damn about his vows.

You have married an addict.

Your loyalty should be to your childs childhood, which will be destroyed having an addict for a father.

Time to own your mistake and protect your child.

Get out.

It might help your guilt to se that the best thing you can do for him is leave him as alcoholics only attempt to get help when they reach rock bottom so look on it as doing him a favour!
But remember it's him who is breaking up this marriage by his behaviour not you. The marriage doesn't end the day you get a divorce but has ended already by him breaking his vows. So absolutely no need to feel any guilt.

By the way you would find Alanon very helpful

Thank you all so much for your thoughts.
I have given ultimatums in the past. There was a particularly bad time around my birthday a couple of years ago where he went missing and I laid out to him in full, that the marriage was on the line as I simply couldn't take it any more. Our plans were ruined and I had to take dc out the house and stay with family til he sobered up, he came in beaten up after having had a fight with a doorman on a club and yet stayed out for many hours after that. He was literally bouncing off the walls in the house and I whisked dc out so they didn't see him in that state. He was full of apologies then, was on 'good behaviour' for a few months and then covid hit so that calmed him down for a while as there was nowhere for him to go. Then as things gradually opened back up its ramped up again.
It's the thought of untangling our lives and selling our home (I couldn't afford to stay). Despite his binging behaviour, he manages to hold down his job as he works for himself and can be quite flexible or get his employees to pick up the pieces he's dropped.
Just a devastating situation all round.

@BurnieSW I think there lies your problem OP, you’re giving him ultimatums and not following through with ending the relationship.

I can fully appreciate that you made your marriage vows before God in all sincerity - but at the risk of stating the obvious, your children were never consulted (I know that sounds ridiculous, as they were future beings).
It might help if you framed it in your own mind that you were doing what was the best for innocent children; you might be physically and practically separated from your husband for their good, while considering yourself "married in the eyes of God".
He has trampled all over his vows, and Jesus expressed some fairly trenchant opinions about anybody "who causes one of these little ones to stumble."
And as PP's have rightly pointed out, it may well be sadly trued that he has to hit rock bottom before he takes his addictions, and the problems they cause, seriously.

@BurnieSW

Thank you all so much for your thoughts. I have given ultimatums in the past. There was a particularly bad time around my birthday a couple of years ago where he went missing and I laid out to him in full, that the marriage was on the line as I simply couldn't take it any more. Our plans were ruined and I had to take dc out the house and stay with family til he sobered up, he came in beaten up after having had a fight with a doorman on a club and yet stayed out for many hours after that. He was literally bouncing off the walls in the house and I whisked dc out so they didn't see him in that state. He was full of apologies then, was on 'good behaviour' for a few months and then covid hit so that calmed him down for a while as there was nowhere for him to go. Then as things gradually opened back up its ramped up again. It's the thought of untangling our lives and selling our home (I couldn't afford to stay). Despite his binging behaviour, he manages to hold down his job as he works for himself and can be quite flexible or get his employees to pick up the pieces he's dropped. Just a devastating situation all round.

I had an ex who used to do this. Go on massive benders and come home high as a kite with black eyes! I was always scared he'd die in this sleep as his heart rate used be through the roof on whatever drugs he was on. I asked him to leave. I didn't want my kids seeing their dad off his face on cocaine. God only knows who he was with and what he was doing on his nights out and I was like a fool at home minding his kids.

Im 100% happier without him.

Please know that you'll be doing the right thing by the kids. If he wanted to fix this mess he'd have gone to counselling or rehab and taken the impact of his actions seriously but he hasn't.

Leave him - it's good for you and for your child. The hassle of untangling your lives will be amply rewarded by the peace and happiness of life without him.

Just a note - no-one who does drink and drugs is a 'decent person' in context of marriage. Their commitment is to their substances, not to their family.

Thank you so much all. Yes @sparklingstars10 you're right that I've made ultimatums before. I've thrown him out in the past etc then have ended up forgiving (and never forgetting). But yes he hadn't taken the impact of what he does seriously enough and to an extent he has definitely normalised it. He will apologise but in the next breath defend it ie. I'm not addicted, it's not that often, I just needed to blow off steam and I won't do it again, ad infinitum.
In a way it would be easier if he did do this on a weekly basis because it would be so much easier to justify leaving even to myself (I know that sounds ridiculous). He can be a good person in the interim periods which muddies the water and makes me hope. Only to be let down again.
I really do appreciate all your input.

OP, I'm also Catholic, married in church and take the vows seriously, but you should remember that the Church does not ask you to stay with your spouse if there is substance abuse involved, especially if you weren't really aware of the extent of it before you married. It is grounds for an annulment, so it is more than okay for you to protect your child and self by leaving.

Best of luck with getting the ball rolling