Lonely in marriage

[Marilynrose]

Lovely people - just looking for some support/advice really. I feel so lonely in my marriage. My husband doesn’t talk to me. It’s been going on for a long time but feels worse I think right now because I had a baby 5 days ago. He was reading a newspaper earlier today and I asked him if he’d talk to me for a bit. He grunted so I remarked that what he was reading was more interesting than me and he replied yes it was. I felt very hurt. I have friends I text and call but it’s just not the same. I don’t know how to move this forward… kind of feeling it loads more since stopping work for maternity leave. It’s going to be a long 6 months ahead if I have nobody but my children to talk to in the house… :( I know there are single mums out there, how do you cope with loneliness? Xxx

He sounds incredibly selfish and unsupportive. How long has he been like this?

Oh years really. His phone is more interesting than me. We talk only about practical stuff mostly like what the dinner is, or the logistics of stuff and sometimes even then I have to tell him I need to talk to him about X please could he listen. He does stuff round the house etc but emotionally I just feel like he’s not there. I resent him for it. Xx

I'm sorry you're at the receiving end of this. It's awful.

If you were to give up all hope, right here and right now, that he would change, what would you do next to remove yourself from this?

This sounds so hard. I know you have only had a baby, and it’s tough at the start especially but can you do the stuff like the mum and baby groups to get out and have social interaction elsewhere without him? Maybe if you can get that, it will put in perspective if you even want to stay in the relationship. You need support after having a baby and adult company that is fulfilling. I would definitely raise it with him again but only after having a baby it’s very hard in general when you are healing to have to deal with that!

Sorry my last line didn’t make sense I too am holding a baby now! What I’m trying to say is basically if you don’t want to be with him, don’t make any solid decisions till you have had a chance to heal up and have a clearer head!!!

Don’t know. Leaving him would be so difficult in every sense. Would mean so much change for my children, like changing schools as we couldn’t any longer afford school fees with paying for 2 lots of accommodation. I can’t imagine not having my children with me some of the time. My dreams for my family would be shattered. Maybe I can develop strategies to deal with it…

Yes, planning on baby groups when we’re able to get out of the house etc. Yes, I need to raise it with him but he gets defensive. And says stuff like he doesn’t want to talk to me about stuff I’d want to talk about. He’d want heavy conversations about Middle Eastern politics… not something I know much about…

Sometimes you have to revise your dreams. And then you slowly come to realise that the new future is going to be oh-so-much-better than what you originally had in mind. x

Bloody Hell. Leave. Leave now while the kids are tiny and you'll get the most financial support.

My DH is quiet (and it gets on my nerves) but he'd never be rude or dismissive.

You are lonely now so it can't be any worse.

Go easy on yourself, you've a very young baby. I'd be making plans to leave though

Reading your other threads, this man sounds awful. Congratulations on your new baby. Enjoy this special time with your baby and your other children. Such precious time that never comes back and don’t let it be ruined by this man. See him for what he is and stop thinking he’s a nice dad and husband because he isn’t. When you are stronger, make plans to leave. In the meantime, sit tight, snuggle to your baby, eat and drink well and get strong on your feet.

It’s my birthday on Thursday and I said I wanted to invite a few people round in the evening, also because we’re registering baby that day so a bit of a celebration of that. I asked if he specifically wanted to invite anyone and he said no. Then said he’d just end up being a butler while I chat to people and he was really negative and miserable about it. Just want to arrange some company… and not have w miserable birthday.

You need to leave him.

A family member of mine is in the same situation as you staying purely so her DC can attend private school. She is completely miserable and the situation has never improved.

Leave. Public school is just as good as private. Your children need a happy mum, not a depressed one.

Maybe I can develop strategies to deal with it…

Maybe think about how much of yourself you’d be sacrificing to do that - in my experience the lack of connection is utterly soul destroying and I’m now leaving after 30 years of living with so little emotional support and connection.

Hard as it is, you shouldn’t need to develop coping strategies for living in your marriage.

Leave. He sounds hideous