Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this a case of work on it or is it done?

6 replies

Grimupnoorth · 14/11/2021 17:01

Please be gentle.
We have just moved across country for my career. His job is super stressful and he can't move because there are no jobs here. He's having to travel sun-fri. He is unbelievably angry at this, at me, at moving, at his career stopping, at his unreasonable bosses and finally at the kids for being kids. It's hidden most of the time but sometimes cracks through.
To add to it he's staying with his narcissistic parents. He doesn't have to but chooses to. (Says money but possibly Co dependence)
I've asked him to go to counselling, I've suggested anti anxiolytics. There's always reasons why not.
There's pressure on me externally from work and businesses. And pressure from him that this is indirectly all my fault.
To cap it all there's more support here but it's still negligible and he has few friends in either place, I suspect a part of this is due to his inability to forgive or make new friends. There's always a reason why he doesn't like people. Some valid, some not.
There's possibly depression present and he hasn't bonded with our youngest.
I feel like I'm carrying the load and I just feel like if he can't be positive at all, if it's always overwhelmingly negative then he can bugger off somewhere else.
On the positive side he is fiercely loyal, kind, does at least half the mental load albeit not the house stuff, talented and good company. I love him very much but I'm so angry at him.
Any thoughts?
Please be gentle to both him and me as we are both on here.

OP posts:
NowEvenBetter · 14/11/2021 17:50

Not sure what the question is? Your husband is angry, sometimes exposes the kids to his anger, and refuses to do anything to remedy it?

MrsWooster · 14/11/2021 18:10

As it stands, it sounds like it’s on a downward trajectory.
What options are there for him finding work, even if in a different job/career near your home?
With some easier logistics, you could see how you actually feel about each other and if there’s enough left to save; as it stands, the logistics are untenable and it’s hard to see how a relationship can be salvaged.

CinstonWhurchill · 14/11/2021 18:16

I could have written yr post Op but, from yr husbands perspective.

I mean this with kindness but i eventually left my now ExDH and divorced. I was fed up of putting mine ( and our children's) needs secondary to his. I wanted my own freedoms to make my own decisions about where i live,my career, as did my DC. We were miserable for yrs, where he moved us to. It suited him, not is.

With respect he (yr husband) does not have to make friends anywhere, if he does not want to or fails to. There is no law saying that. If you want him to make friends you cannot force that. He is travelling Sun-Fri, that is totally unreasonable. I am not surprised he is stressed and depressed.

With kindness, this is why i will never marry or be in a long term relationship again. I will never ever again move, to accommodate the wishes, desires/career progression of another. I stay single so i please myself and make my own choices ( with my DC in mind always) about where i live and work. This kind of example you have written about, shows exactly why long partnerships can negatively affect one in that partnership, if they are tied and decision making is joint. Inevitably someone will come off worse somewhere along the line.

You say his bosses are being unreasonable but do you mean they are not happy he has now moved miles away from his role/office? Do you mean they are not accommodating his needs/requests , so that they fit in with yours?

"And pressure from him that this is indirectly all my fault.
To cap it all there's more support here but it's still negligible and he has few friends in either place, I suspect a part of this is due to his inability to forgive or make new friends. There's always a reason why he doesn't like people. Some valid, some not".

It kind of is indirectly your fault.

He is allowed to feel as he does. Negligible support is irrelevant. If he has had issues with friends in the past and does not want new ones he may be using and implementing boundaries. That is his right. You seem to be mistaking this for mental illness.

He has moved miles away from all he knew and is now away from his children, during the week , staying with his parents, all to support your career.

He is not ill, he is fed up and having to compromise what he wants in his life to support your career. He is most likely staying at his parents as, a studio or 1 bed flat 5 nights a week on yr own can be lonely.

He is unhappy and frustrated. How would you feel being away from yr children 5 nights a week?
Why are you not the one staying away? How was this decided? Why don't you move away 5 nights?

"There's possibly depression present and he hasn't bonded with our youngest".

Lots of women suffer from depression and do not bond with their children as do Dads. This is not uncommon. What help have you put in place/asked for to help him? How have you addressed this and helped yr husband?

"if it's always overwhelmingly negative then he can bugger off somewhere else".

Yes, this may well be what is best for him. Allow him the freedom to live within a reasonable distance of his work and see/have his children 50% of the time.

With kindness OP, this post smacks of, he is not doing/behaving how, what suits me so he is some how faulty . If you want to move to peruse yr career then fine. It is unrealistic to expect another grown adult and shared children to share your vision and move with you. It sounds to me like you are on a solitary path and perhaps marriage/long term relationship does not fit with your personal life goals.

He is not ill, he is fed up. There is a massive difference. Persue yr career by all means but do not expect yr husband and children to make such large life sacrifices to enable that. You may well be suited better on your own Op.

Personally i found yr suggestion for yr husband to " bugger off" hugely disrespectful and dismissive. Maybe you leave and travel 5 nights a week?

Frazzle76 · 14/11/2021 19:09

I did the travel for the first two years. I would actually have been happy to continue to do that but he didn't want to continue to be solely responsible for childcare as his job wasn't supportive of it. When we planned the move a while ago his bosses were supportive of WFH - they now arnt. Overall all the circumstances we based the move on have changed - that's neither my fault nor his. But it means there's no WFH and also no jobs at his level anymore. Right up until the move day I was offering to pull out but he wanted to go ahead if only to take us out of limbo.
Regarding friends : he's certainly lost friends (and rightly so) by setting boundaries with several. However it's also good to have a support network that isn't me - and you can see by my posting on here this is something we both lack.
I can't remember some of the other points right now.

CinstonWhurchill · 14/11/2021 19:19

"he didn't want to continue to be solely responsible for childcare"

Nor should he be. It is 50/50 you and him.

"When we planned the move a while ago his bosses were supportive of WFH - they now arnt".

Times have changed. Was this during pandemic? His employers can reasonably expect him to return to the office now.

"but he wanted to go ahead if only to take us out of limbo".

What is this limbo?

CinstonWhurchill · 14/11/2021 19:21

"didn't want to continue to be solely responsible for childcare as his job wasn't supportive of it.".

What professional independent paid childcare did you both have in place?

New posts on this thread. Refresh page