Not sure what to do

[Adviceneededplease1234]

Don’t know where to start with this but need advice.

Been seeing someone since June, known him for a few years socially. Initially I approached him and said I was looking for a casual thing and neither of us wanted a relationship. He was not keen as he’s been single for years, be said it would be weird as we were friends and in hindsight I should have just left it.

So we had a casual thing for a while which was just sex then after 3 months he had a huge family crisis which I helped him through, this meant meeting members of his family. They all assumed I was his girlfriend which made me feel uncomfortable as we had not had any sort of relationship defining chat. We had a silly disagreement and I said I wanted to end things which then I think out of panic he asked me to be his girlfriend which I agreed to.

We are now 3 months on from this and I am so confused. He messages and calls me all the time but 90% of the conversations are about him. I don’t feel like a girlfriend at all. There is no intimacy, no romance. I have stayed over once at his house and he was on the other side of the bed and ignored me.

When this all started out it was very much a non-intimate style of sex which was what I wanted. I still enjoy that but it’s not what I want all the time. I don’t have the confidence to even know where to start to say that my needs are not being met (for example he gets oral sex but has never shown an interest in reciprocating). I know I should just bring it up and discuss it but after being in an abusive marriage previously, it means I struggle to put my needs first or speak up. Also I think if he wanted to do that then he would have initiated it as he’s not a shy person at all especially in bed.

I say “in bed” but we have never actually had sex in bed it’s always been from behind as I say all very non intimate. I have convinced myself it’s because he doesn’t fancy me or want to be intimate with me which is destroying my self esteem.

Writing it all down it seems so obvious but if I said I wanted to end things I think he would be upset and try to make me continue things.

I don’t really know what my question even is. I don’t think I want to be his girlfriend anymore but not sure if I should give him the chance to fix things…but where do I even start with a conversation about this. I know will just clam up.

I was single for 4 years before him and was happy. I do want to be in a relationship but I don’t want to feel like this.

Please be kind I’m so down about this and don’t know what to do. There is no one I can ask in real life. Sorry this is so long.

"I don’t really know what my question even is. I don’t think I want to be his girlfriend anymore but not sure if I should give him the chance to fix things…"

Look, by the way you recount it, you never actually wanted to be his girlfriend. Circumstances put you in a tight spot and you might not have been assertive of your needs or wants then, and now you sound like you're kind of stuck in a situation that snowballed out of your control and which doesn't suit you.

Especially if you've been entrenched in a toxic relationship before this, it can be hard to shake off old behaviors where you always had to be the giver and the fixer of all things.

Ultimately, you don't owe him a chance at fixing anything. You weren't after a relationship in the first place, and the situation you still ended up in has never been what you wanted, so you were probably right from the start that you and him weren't relationship material.

You're letting things happen to you, and then you pile guilt on top of it by feeling it's all on you because you haven't been outspoken enough or something. This is BS. A dude doesn't need a fucking memo to remember to go down on his girl or that tenderness is a thing. If he's not totally socially inept he doesn't need you to spell it out for him. He doesn't do it because he's a prick and he's not treating you as his girlfriend.

But that's fine, cause you didn't wanted to be his girlfriend anyway. It doesn't look like he gave you any actual reason to change your heart about this. Don't look at it like you're failing anything or anyone because you're not. You don't have to throw yourself into this just because the dude asked you to be his girl 3 months ago on a misunderstanding...

At least with it being a casual fling you didn't have to feel like shit. So either get back on those terms or drop it altogether, don't you think ? In any case you don't have to give out so much of yourself, neither entertain high expectations just to end up hurt and disappointed.

Thank you so much @mirabelle04 that makes so much sense to me.

I have been making plans for Christmas that don’t involve him (going away to my favourite place on my own) and was worried about telling him as I know he was expecting us to do something together over that time.

I have never had to end a relationship before, apart with my ex husband and I don’t have a clue how to go about it. Do I just say I don’t feel it’s working out and I want to be on my own? That is the truth. He will say “oh no we have to talk” etc and try to change my mind.

I think because it’s not all bad then I just carry on with it but due to my abusive ex husband my bar must be set very low and that needs to change.

Just say "I do want to be in a relationship but not feel like this" to him and see where the conversation goes from there.

Be honest with him. Either he wants to travel the full relationship journey with you or he doesn't, either way you need to know.

It's not my place to tell you what you should be doing, I'm just going off of what you say. And it sounds like the only thing keeping you by his side is that he has and will keep on somehow convincing you to do so, but that it's not what you want. You're making other plans for yourself because that's what you want. You're saying you don't think it's working out and that you want to be on your own. This is what's true to you. So this is what you need to listen to. I don't think you would settle for "not all bad", at least that's not what it sounds like. You seem to know what you want much more than you realize.

As far as how breaking up goes, yes, you tell him it's not working out and you don't want to take it further. That's how those things work. You know when someone is manipulating you into caving in to their wants and needs I bet, you've been there before didn't you ? So remember : he can tell you how he feels, but he cannot tell you how you feel. Don't allow him to do this. And no, you don't owe him a try at a relationship, especially when you have in fact already tried for 3 months.

Thank you @mirabelle04 I really needed to hear this.

Thank you also @frozendaisy

@Adviceneededplease1234

Thank you so much *@mirabelle04* that makes so much sense to me.

I have been making plans for Christmas that don’t involve him (going away to my favourite place on my own) and was worried about telling him as I know he was expecting us to do something together over that time.

I have never had to end a relationship before, apart with my ex husband and I don’t have a clue how to go about it. Do I just say I don’t feel it’s working out and I want to be on my own? That is the truth. He will say “oh no we have to talk” etc and try to change my mind.

I think because it’s not all bad then I just carry on with it but due to my abusive ex husband my bar must be set very low and that needs to change.

Not all bad?

Where is it good?

Are you sure you haven't stepped into another abusive scenario with this guy?
What are you actually getting out of this anymore?
Dump him, you can do better

The fact he talks about himself all the time is enough to end it. You're basically his emotional offload. And sex from behind.
Sounds pretty crap to me

Thank you everyone we have talked about it today and I have ended things. He took it well but said he hopes I will change my mind. I have not heard from him since but our paths will cross later in the week as we go to the same weekly event (where we met). I just feel weird now but it’s for the best.